Info about Watari's personal life was pretty vague when going through the (English) web, so I've stayed true to fact where I can. On the other hand, this is basically a parody, so I didn't spend too long worrying about details. His house could be completely different to how I described it, for example. Another thing to note is that technically Watari was involved in something other than Oregairu beforehand, a project called Ayakashigatari, but again I bypassed this as I thought it was more entertaining to read (you'll understand in the chapter, hopefully).
I thought it would be fun to reference other Oregairu fics instead of just traditional anime and manga, like in the light novels. So, a quick disclaimer: all the fan works referenced are the property of their respective writers. At most, the nods will poke fun, but they're not supposed to be malicious.
Regrettably, Watari Wataru's Light Novel Series Is Successful
oOo
Chapter 1- In any case, Watari Wataru is corrupt
Essay: The Importance of Matthew C. Perry and the Kanagawa Convention (1854) to Japanese Culture
Watari Wataru, Grade 10, Class E
January 24th 2003,
Matthew C. Perry, Commodore of the United States Navy in the mid 19th century, was the man who took the first steps towards the difficult westernization of Japanese culture. With his first landing at Uraga on July 8th, 1853
Oh, you know what? Go blow yourself up, Matthew C. Perry. It's your fault the stupid society I'm living in is as stupid as it is. Everything about this essay, despite the fact I've only written a sentence and a half, is stupid. Everything about the Chiba Municipal Inage High School is stupid too. Its irregular shape that looks a lot like the kanji for mouth is stupid. Its teachers are incredibly stupid.
But the stupidest, most utterly retarded part of all, is the students. All of them are god-damn typicals. Dirty, filthy, disgusting typicals.
'Typicals' is a derogatory term, coined by me, for every type of student that is not me. One day, I bet you that a term will spread around Japan that adequately captures the kind of person I'm talking about. Probably a joke on the internet, or something (1). Until then, I'm stuck with 'typicals'. Oh, and sensei, you know precisely the kind of student I'm talking about. The kind of person who enjoys their youth, and indulges in the excuse of youth to no end.
Here's the essay that I really want to write: 'The Blatant Superficiality of Youth', analyzed by Watari Wataru. To be young is to suffer. There is no two ways about it. The average young person exists upon crimes. They betray themselves, their friends and their family every day, simply by pretending that they are happy. In other words, they are lying to themselves. They exist on a mountain of lies.
Actually, before I continue my rant, I might write 'mountain of lies' down somewhere. It sounds like a good title for a story (2).
But back to the evils of youth. The 'typical' way of life is to attend cram school like a good little mindless slave. They will work diligently in lessons and then relax accordingly at lunchtimes, perhaps playing on the badminton courts because, of course, they're good at athletics too. Then, they will go home and spend the evening with their boyfriend or girlfriend, who is just as attractive as they are.
Well, guess what typicals? I don't need a girlfriend! I'm married to light novels, thanks very much. One day I'm going to write them myself, and I'm going to be the best light novelist in Japan. And, when I'm still happily wed to them (and an anime voice actress too), at the age of 30 or something, then it will be me who is laughing!
Okay. Rant over.
I'm still gonna have to write this essay, aren't I?
I bet you Matthew C. Perry was a typical, too.
Sixteen years later, and Watari Wataru's marriage to light novels was still growing strong. Or perhaps, put more accurately, his marriage to one light novel series was still going strong.
They do say that most marriages end with divorce.
The thirty two year old was sat in the front room of his house. It was a distinctly average house; large enough to be clearly upmarket but nowhere near interesting enough to be, well, interesting. It had a large front room and a kitchen that was separated from it by a traditional Japanese screen door, though the rest of the house, especially the upstairs bedroom and en-suite bathroom, was quite modern. Distinctly average was a phrase that Watari had used himself when the seller gave him the tour. The seller, an attractive middle-aged woman, had laughed at the joke, and so Watari had repeated it needlessly and incessantly throughout the rest of the visit. Watari had always been verywitty.
In fact, the phrase 'distinctly average' could be used to describe the entirety of Chiba city, where Watari Wataru's house was located. The majority of the Japanese prefecture capital was residential, and boasted virtually nothing of cultural interest. Unless you considered an unnecessarily long monorail as cultural- which, on the condition that you weren't a monorail conductor, you probably didn't. Yet if one were to listen to Watari's perspective alone, they could be misled into thinking that Chiba was a worldwide landmark on the same level as the Great Pyramids of Giza. He had lived there for almost all thirty-two years of his existence, and so viewed the city through some severely rose-tinted glasses.
This house, however, was a relatively new purchase, though now he definitely had enough money to consider an upgrade. He bought it in 2015, only four years after his career as a light novelist finally took off.
Watari Wataru had always known that he wanted to be a writer. In elementary school, he was far more interested in learning to write than he was in learning to add and subtract. By the time he reached high school, creative writing had become his foremost hobby. Well... technically it was his second-most hobby, as any teenage boy will tell you that masturbation takes up the majority of their free time. Nonetheless, if Watari wasn't perusing hentai manga, he would most likely have been found working on his latest light novel manuscript.
By the time he arrived at Meiji University, studying Modern Japanese, he had somehow managed to convince himself that he had writing talent. Despite the intense protestations of almost everybody around him, who told him that writing talent didn't just mean using words as long as the Chiba monorail, he started his first 'real' light novel manuscript while studying. It was about Japan being taken over by a race of aliens who just so happened to all be female and allbe waifu tropes.
It was also terrible. And not just stop-reading terrible- offensively terrible. The kind of manuscript that even Zaimokuza-kun would throw out. But not to Watari Wataru; in his twenty year old eyes, the light novel about waifu aliens was not only a masterpiece, but destined to change the industry for evermore.
In reality, the only thing it changed was the opinion of those around him. Negatively. Thus, Watari Wataru found himself leaving Meiji University with a half-respectable degree in Modern Japanese, a terrible light novel and ambitions so obscenely big that even an actually talented writer would struggle to fulfill them.
That was in 2008. By 2010, he'd planned to be basking in the glowing admiration of his worldwide fan base and the heaped praise of every single critic who read his light novel. He'd planned to be married to a voice actress (the adult Watari wasn't really that different from the teenage Watari) and to have several other voice actresses on the side. Maybe even a harem. Instead, he was working as a taxi driver (3) and just about every publishing house in Japan had rejected his now innumerable manuscripts, calling them things like 'unpublishable' and 'the worst writing to ever disgrace a piece of paper'. Particularly low praise, one would think, coming from light novel editors.
This deeply confused Watari Wataru- for the first few months. Confusion as to why they were rejecting such masterpieces as 'waifu aliens' relied on the over-confidence he had in his abilities. Once this began to fade, anger settled in. The criticism was clearly not down to his lack of talent. No. They're just doing this to spite me! he thought. If this isn't evidence of government corruption, then I don't know what is!
It's probably a testament to his stubbornness that he never gave up, as any sane person would. The damning words were exactly that, but to Watari, also somewhat motivational. He worked harder at making his manuscripts readable. To a degree. He injected more humor into his writing, as many had suggested, and ejected one or two of the needless sex scenes (not all of them). The tipping point, however, came when an editor at Shogakukan publishing wrote back to tell him that his writing wasn't 'personal' enough.
Personal?! How the heck could my writing not be personal enough?! I wrote it! These were the kind of thoughts rushing through Watari's head (only with the excessive expletives removed). Thus, in a fit of otaku rage, he dashed over to his computer screen and began typing away faster than he'd ever typed before, which incidentally wasn't very fast. I'll show you, Shogakukan publishing. I'll write the most personal light novel you've ever seen! Even Watari Wataru can write a personal light novel (4)!
It was the most inspired period that his 'writing career' had mustered so far. Though he didn't know it at the time, the prompt of writing something more personal was the answer to all his problems. The boring, generic fantasy worlds were gone, and replaced by Chiba Municipal Sobu High School, which looked and sounded eerily like Chiba Municipal Inage High School. The indulgent writing style was (mostly) gone, and replaced by self-aware jokes about the light novel industry and obscure pop culture references. The generic self-insert protagonists were gone, and replaced by Hikigaya Hachiman, who looked and sounded eerily like an exaggerated version of Watari Wataru.
There were other similarities too. Many of the names for his characters were taken from real, geographical places- the Kawasaki campus of Meiji University became Kawasaki Saki, Yukinoshita town in Kanagawa became Yukinoshita Yukino etc. When rummaging through his old school work, he came across an essay about the 'Blatant Superficiality of Youth', though it should've been about Matthew C. Perry. Watari threw that in as well. If it was personal, it went in.
The waifus stayed though, obviously. He considered them his trademark.
When he sent off his glorified middle finger to Shogakukan publishing, he hadn't really expected a response. Watari had even, with much reluctance, started taking steps towards getting a more stable job. The taxi driver lifestyle was beginning to take its toll. But he did get a response. A publishing deal, in fact. On the condition that they removed some of the more offensive jokes, especially the ones about Shogakukan. And that they were allowed to choose the title and take most of the royalties.
The first volume ofYahari Ore no Seishun Rabukome wa Machigatteiru was published on March 18, 2011. Watari Wataru had, against all the odds, lived up to the words of his essay, written all the way back in 2003. He'd succeeded in becoming a light novelist.
He was still waiting on the voice actress front, though. Where was Hayami Saori when you needed her?
For a long time after his all-too personal light novel series became a hit, Watari Wataru had existed in a kind of fantastical dreamland. Despite all his big words, a tiny niggling part of him had never quite been convinced that he'd get published. The reality of not only getting published but actually being popular was more than enough inspiration for about eight volumes. The anime adaptation, and of course the hype, the fan art, the festivals, the conventions, only made him want to write more. He made money. Shogakukan made money- significantly more than he did, but that's the light novel industry for you. To all intents, he seemed to be making fans happy too.
After Volume 8, cracks in the profitable cycle of write-quickly-publish-faster started to appear. The fantastical dreamland started to crash and burn. For you see, when Watari Wataru started writing about Hikigaya Hachiman's experiences in the Service Club, he hadn't prepared for a multi-media franchise. He hadn't prepared for dragging out a plot. People demanded that he conclude the central romance, and pair Hachiman off with either Yukino or Yui, but his wallet demanded something very different. If he did pair Hachiman off, then fans would have no reason to keep reading. How would he make his money then?!
So, Watari Wataru came up with a very effective solution: delaying. If he kept recycling the same plot points over and over again, then the volumes could carry on! If he kept giving characters vague excuses as to why they couldn't drop the pretense and make out already, then his wallet could finally be satisfied! The 'genuine' arc was the perfect foil. It meant that no matter what a member of the Service Club did or said, Haruno or any other character could simply claim that it wasn't 'genuine', whatever that meant, and he could squeeze another volume out.
But the prosperity of Wallet-chan was not to last. Constantly writing the same repetitive sentences was, believe it or not, quite boring for Watari. He found himself with no inspiration and no motivation at Volume 12's, uh, somewhat belated release date- Writer's Block had struck, and now, as he continued to toddle away at Volume 14, supposedly the final volume unless the overlords at Shogakukan decided otherwise, it was showing no signs of going away.
Not that he was writing Volume 14 this very instant. Don't be ridiculous. Watari Wataru had been thinking about writing for close to a month now, but never enough to produce anything close to meaningful- he'd struggled do that without Writer's Block. The light novelist had always been something of a sensei at procrastinating, but here his expertise was becoming clear. His efforts to avoid writing Oregairu extended so far as to contributing to other projects; perhaps if they were hits too, then everyone would just forget about it? No such luck. If Qualidea Code was any indication, then the success of Oregairu really was just a freak of nature.
That's stupid. I'm the best light novelist in Japan! Saying otherwise is slander! he thought.
He was sitting at the desk in his front room, where he always did his work, with his laptop screen glaring back at him. Watari glared back rebelliously, and then continued his internal rant. Look at you, stupid computer screen. Tempting me to write Volume 14, as I should be. I don't need to submit to you! I can sponge yen out of my franchise in a different way!
Reveling in his triumph against the inanimate object, he reached into his pocket and pulled out a smartphone. With a few practiced swipes, he was onto his official Twitter account. Shogakukan had taught him how to merchandize well, and Watari was very much in love with it. Often, he wondered whether he'd rather be married to merchandizing instead of a voice actress. Never had there been an easier method of affirming his ego- his representatives organized the deals, usually for dakimakura pillows with a half-naked Yukino on them, and all he had had to do was link them on his Twitter. Every meaningless hate comment about his 'capitalist greed' 'or cynical money-making' were made irrelevant, precisely because he was making money!
Watari eagerly found himself another fan link to a dakimakura and retweeted it. There you go. Take that computer! My third merch tweet today alone! Seven more and I'll have met my daily quota.
He continued staring at the empty laptop screen for approximately five minutes. Then, he succumbed to his urges- the same urges he'd succumbed to almost every day since Volume 13- and gave up. My word count for today was a grand total of... zero. I'd say that's progress! I'd also say it s time for a coffee.
With that, the laptop was slammed shut and Watari headed for the kitchen, just through the screen doors in front of him. Coffee was very possibly the light novelist's closest friend, which is a nice way of saying that he was shamelessly addicted to it. Watari had a very addictive personality. Thinking about it like that, maybe it was best to say that coffee was his worst enemy? He once came up with a plan to get out of his caffeine dependency, but since he still needed at least three before twelve o'clock to survive, it was fair to say that his plan had been suspiciously unsuccessful (5).
He pushed aside the screen doors and entered the kitche-
In a split second, every thought typical to Watari's mind was gone. As most of them were sexually gratuitous, this was probably a good thing.
Though the character of Hikigaya Hachiman was based upon his author, they were clearly not the same. There's a reason the author of this used the word exaggerated earlier. In some ways, Hachiman might've been an image of what Watari wanted to be in his high school days- it is unlikely that anybody could've wanted to be Watari, after all. He had been rather more like Zaimokuza, though ironically the Zaimokuza who appeared in the published draft was a toned down version of Watari instead of an exaggerated one.
But regardless, one of the many differences between them was their coffee preference. Watari absolutely despised MAXX Coffee; he liked his coffee strong, or not at all. So intense was his hatred for Hachiman's favored brand that when he saw an opened can of it sat atop his table, which had absolutely no reason to be there, he instantly recoiled in disgust.
MAXX COFFEE?! N- NO! MY ONE WEAKNESS!
What he failed to notice was that behind the can of MAXX Coffee, a teenage boy was sat at his table. A teenage boy with even less of a reason to be there than the coffee that he d been drinking, completely unbeknownst to Watari, before he came into the kitchen. He had a tall ahoge, a pair of dead fish eyes and clothes that resembled closely the illustrations of Hikigaya Hachiman by Ponkan8. This teenage boy, however, was by no means a 2D manga drawing. He was clearly flesh and blood, and clearly very irritated, if the scowl on his face was as real as it seemed.
Watari still didn't notice the boy for a good while after, due to his preoccupation with the MAXX Coffee. If Watari Wataru had been a character in a psychological crime thriller(6), it seems probable that he wouldn't have lasted very long.
At last, he went still. Watari's eyes met with the teenage boy's. It was the latter that spoke first.
"Yo."
(1): The 'riajuu' joke in the light novels originated from a Japanese internet meme.
(2): I Exist - On the Mountain of Lies by ZeroXSeed.
(3): Our Wedding Anniversary is Wrong, Unexpectedly by GenericOregairuFan.
(4): Even Hikigaya Hachiman Can Write A Love Letter by God Emperor Penguin.
(5): My Stay Over Plan Was Suspiciously Succesful by weewah.
(6): My Psychological Crime Thriller SNAFU by he who watches the world burn.
