Pathetic.
Fucking pathetic.
Just look at yourself. What's gotten into you?
I light the cigarette I've been holding for almost an hour now. I hate these things. I hate the way they smell, I hate the way they taste, I hate the way they make you feel. And yet I'm here, smoking one of them.
Fuck it. Fuck all of this. I just don't care anymore.
I blow out the smoke, trying my hardest not to cough.
The air feels strange up here. Might just be in my mind, though.
It's not warm, actually rather chilly. I'm not freezing though. I feel … nothing. Absolute apathy.
Fuck. God fucking damn it. I don't give a fuck. Fuck all of you.
I feel the wetness on my cheeks. Tears. I'm crying. Why am I crying?
Stop crying, you whiny bitch.
More tears.
Wow.
I'm such a pathetic, worthless piece of shit.
I'm not gonna lie, I never was a happy person, I never did care about a lot of things. But now I'm just fucking broken. Like a vase that someone threw out of a window on the 10th floor. And then rolled over with a fucking bulldozer.
I look up to the sky. It seems so close. Closer than the ground. My feet are dangling from the roof, the chilly fall breeze tickling them.
Taking another pull of the cigarette, I close my eyes.
This is dumb. Pathetic. Cowardice.
In a second, all of this could be over. Why am I still sitting here?
Because I'm a coward, that's why. Should've just shot myself. Would've been easier.
Steps behind me. I'm not turning around.
"It's 4 am."
Vi.
She sits down next to me.
"Fancy to see you here."
I scoff.
"Fuck off."
She puts one arm around me.
"Don't touch me."
"Don't tell me what to do."
More tears rolling down my cheeks, expressing what my mind can't feel.
Silence. All I can hear is the occasional car driving by. I can't even hear Vi breathing.
My mind is empty. I feel like I should say something, but my mind is empty.
"Why aren't you arresting me?"
"Why aren't you running from me?"
"I don't feel like it."
I dare to take another look at the street below.
The time is now. Right now. Stop waiting, you pathetic fuck.
I toss the cigarette down.
Then, slowly, I get up.
"Don't."
I'm ignoring her, I keep staring down.
Vi gets up and takes my hand. A stabbing pain in my head, memories. Her face. Her smile. The way she looked at me. Stop. She's in the past.
"I'm arresting you," she says.
"Cool."
I turn around.
"Let go of my hand."
She shakes her head.
"Nope."
I take a step back. I slip, I fall.
My heart skips a beat, but it's good. It's good.
Vi is still holding onto my hand. She's struggling not to let me fall.
I'm so close. Let me go, let me go.
"Give me your other hand," she demands, reaching out for it.
I don't respond. My hand is sweaty, slowly but surely I'm slipping out of Vi's grip.
"No no no," she mutters, reaching for my hand with her other hand.
Just a second too late.
I'm falling, falling, falling. I close my eyes, a smile spreads across my face.
Let me hit the ground.
I jerk awake. It's cold, wet. I've fallen asleep under the bridge again.
Again, this dream. Again, this strange feeling comes over me.
I look over at my weapons. I should just shoot myself.
That would be easier.
