Author's Note: Same warning as always... I am not a writer. But I'm trying for the same reason as always - I'm fascinated by Regina. I have to get some of these thoughts out of my head. Filed under SwannQueen because I don't think I could write a male character to save my life. No sexytimes.
The story is complete but I'm not posting the whole thing at once... I'm a tweaker (no, not that kind) and I'm not quite ready to let the next bits into the wild. I'm posting this bit to force myself to STOP making nit-picky changes.
Warning: At some point, there is talk of non-consensual sex and abuse. It's not graphic but it's there because Regina's life has basically sucked balls. Please give this a pass if that bothers you.
Regina stepped out into the cool Maine air with relief. The door to the Town Hall swung slightly ajar behind her but she didn't care; everyone else had gone. She tilted her head towards the sun and let the breeze blow her hair back, just soaking in the quiet and trying to let it settle her nerves. She stood there for quite a while, pretending like her shoulders weren't in knots and her head wasn't pounding. Pretending that she didn't want to curl up in a ball and sleep for a thousand years. Because above all else, Regina was exhausted.
It was a futile attempt though and finally she just sighed and turned to pull the door closed behind her. The tension in her shoulders made her wince at the movement, and she ground her teeth in frustration. She was a grown woman, dammit! A Queen. She'd felled monsters and dragons and witches. How could something as mundane as a budget meeting cause her such stress?
It was a rhetorical question, really. This was her life now. With the Evil Queen behind her, conflict was her enemy. That persona had been the only thing that protected her bruised heart from the pain that conflict caused it. She had no defense now - no way to protect herself. Just as she had when she was younger, she absorbed it all and held herself together as best she could until she could be alone. When she was then she would cry or sometimes drink, or maybe just lose herself in a mindless movie. Anything to quiet her mind so she could rest. Sleep was elusive but sometimes she could rest.
But those were individual conflicts. Today had been bigger. A building full of townspeople arguing with her for hours about money. And who should get it. And why. And how much. And there was no way to make everybody happy. There didn't seem to be a way to make anybody happy.
She'd grown to hate money.
Thoughts of the meeting caused her breath to hitch and she consciously slowed it again, as she had numerous times that day. This was ridiculous! She had to get herself under control.
An experimental tug at the door confirmed that it was locked up tight so Regina started to her car. She tried to walk briskly but the tension she carried with her hampered her movements and the cool air that had comforted her minutes before chilled her quickly. Finally, thankfully, she slid behind the wheel and pulled the door closed behind her, wanting nothing more than the comfort of being alone in her own space. But the effect was less than desired.
She thought about calling Henry, just to talk with him for a minute. Even just hearing his voice was a comfort and she had the number half dialed before she remembered herself and hit the end button. She shook her head at her own neediness and slipped the phone back into her pocket. He was fishing with his grandfather; It was to be a real man's weekend, according to David. She couldn't imagine that a call from his mom would fit in.
Tonight was definitely a whiskey night.
But right now she had to go back to work and somehow figure out how to keep all of the promises she'd just made. Defeated by the thought, she put the car in gear and drove slowly towards the lot exit, knowing that her snail's pace was a stalling tactic. A left out of the parking lot took her home and a right took her back to work and she was going to have to choose. There was so much to do after today's debacle that there was just no way she could justify playing hookey. But even though she was pretty sure she had just decided to go back to work, she found herself taking the left hand turn towards home.
The drive was a blur of familiar scenery and she remembered none of it when she pulled into her driveway. At some point she had stopped feeling guilty about her decision and could think of nothing other than crossing the threshold and closing out the world behind her door.
But there were obstacles to overcome. She had a white knuckled death grip on the wheel and had to work at loosening her fingers before she could do anything. Her muscles had been strung tightly for hours and getting herself out of the low sporty car was another painful and slow task. Then, when she reached her front door her hands were trembling so badly she couldn't get the key in the lock. When it finally slid past the tumblers she almost whimpered with relief.
And then, just like that, she was in her foyer; she was home. The relief was overwhelming and her legs turned to jelly beneath her but Regina didn't really care. She just leaned back against the front door, effectively closing it, and slid silently down against it to the cold tile floor. Her knees pushed up against her chest, making a perfect resting place for her head, which she let sink down until she was resting her forehead on her knees. She breathed.
"Hey Regina, is that you?"
It was clearly Emma's voice and it was clearly coming towards her from the kitchen, but Regina didn't grasp any of that as quickly as she would have usually. The adrenaline seeping out of her system had left her foggy and slightly slow witted. Was she hallucinating the Savior in her kitchen? Surely that was a cause for concern.
"I thought I heard a… Regina? Jesus, what's wrong?"
It was the worry in Emma's voice that got through to her. That tone of voice will always get your attention, even if you think you're hallucinating. But when she looked up Emma was right there, standing in her foyer with brows knit in confusion and worry. Flesh and blood - not a figment.
"Emma?" Regina heard the weakness in her voice and scowled at herself internally. Unacceptable. "What are you doing here?"
Her voice sounded like her own again, and that was something. Of course, she was still huddled against her front door in a pile on her foyer floor. So there were still some shortcomings to address.
"I forgot my files and I came over to… why are you on the floor? Are you ok? Are you hurt?" Emma took a hesitant step towards her, a hand slightly extended then stopped uncertainly. "Sick?"
"No. I'm not hurt. I'll be fine."
Emma appeared unconvinced and considered her critically, her brows furrowed as she considered the odd situation. Then she sauntered over and slid down the door next to her, just as Regina had moments before. Regina had been thinking about bounding to her feet just to show Emma how fine she was, but this move put an end to those ridiculous thoughts abruptly.
It would be foolish to think that a coincidence; Emma had a disturbing ability to read her like an open book.
With limited options Regina just dropped her head back to her knees and sighed. "I'll be fine dear. Just give me a moment." She assumed that Emma would let her take her moment in solitude but that wasn't really Emma's style. Instead she just rested her hand on Regina's shoulder and gave it a reassuring squeeze, then began to rub gently across her back.
"Sure thing. We've got plenty of time." Her voice was calm, like she was talking to a skittish horse. But even as she spoke her hand faltered in it's ministrations. Clearly Emma had noticed the unusual amount of tension she was carrying in her back and shoulders. But it picked up again in short order and Regina found it to be, quite to her amazement, soothing.
As they sat together on the floor it didn't take that long for Regina to feel the tension start to lose it's grip on her body. She shifted her shoulders experimentally and was relieved to find that some of the discomfort was already gone. Her whiskey plan would have taken hours but just sitting with Emma had helped her in a fraction of the time.
Regina could have wept with the relief of it.
But she didn't. She just let the tension drain from her neck and shoulders with something akin to pleasure. But she couldn't spend the rest of her evening sitting in her foyer and eventually - regretfully - she lifted her head and rested it back against the door. Emma was forced to draw back her hand and Regina felt the loss immediately. Regina shifted her head slightly to the left and made eye contact with the blond; she could see the concern there and she wasn't surprised. Regina's 'moment' had take quite a while.
"Thank you Emma. I'm feeling much better now. I… appreciate you staying with me." The words were inadequate, but their eyes were locked together now, and Regina knew that the depth of her gratitude was showing in hers; she could see it reflected back at her in Emma's startled expression. Emma was well aware that this was more of herself than Regina usually divulged.
The silent communication lasted for longer than Regina was comfortable and she dropped her eyes. It had been a curiously intimate moment and suddenly the blond seemed very close. Regina longed for her personal space back and shifted to her right. It was clear she was thinking about trying to finally get off the floor but her stiffened joints made her movements awkward and ineffective. Her normal grace had deserted her.
The movement pulled Emma's attention and she pushed herself up easily. She brushed some imaginary dust from her jeans and then held out her hands to Regina. "Here. Let me help."
This was not the type of offer that Regina usually accepted but she regarded the hand thoughtfully. Her desperate desire to accept was startling. She placed her cool hands into Emma's warm ones and Emma pulled her gently up so that they were facing each other. This close Regina noticed immediately that Emma's worried look had returned. Maybe it had never really left.
"Emma," Regina soothed. "Everything's fine. I'm sorry I worried you… clearly I thought I was alone."
Emma looked unconvinced and suddenly Regina was on the receiving end of a thorough visual inspection. She resisted the urge to fidget and instead placed a hand on Emma's arm, diverting her attention. "Emma…"
"Regina, you aren't ok. I can practically see through you. You must be losing weight. I could have picked you up up off the ground if I'd tried!" There was no recrimination in her voice, and Regina was listening for it; she was always listening for it. All she caught was a hint of slightly hysterical worry. "Are you sleeping? You can't be eating. Do you need to go to a doctor?"
Emma petered to a halt and took a breath. It appeared she'd run out of steam and her next statement was softer. "Everything's not fine."
It was hard to formulate an argument as Emma had the facts of the matter firmly on her side. And, of course, she was right. But this was starting to take on a life of it's own and Regina certainly had no intention of involving any more people in her personal matters by going to a doctor. But as she looked at Emma, her concern was palpable. She could feel it coming off of her in waves. She owed her… something. Something to relieve her worry. Regina could tell she was in full Savior mode but it simply was not Emma's job to save her. This was Regina's cross to bear.
So she took a step back to gain the distance she'd been seeking to gather her composure then offered Emma a tentative smile which was meant to be reassuring. "You're right, of course. I've been taking poor care of myself lately. It appears to have caught up to me today."
Emma softened but didn't let it go as Regina hoped she would. "Regina, I know you're not taking care of yourself. What I don't know is why."
Regina opened her mouth slightly and then closed it again, trying to speak. She'd already opened up well past her comfort zone and she found that she simply couldn't continue. She wanted to tell Emma about her day, and all the days before it, and how every disagreement she had with anybody caused her pain like a physical blow. How, at the end of the day she felt like she'd been in a boxing match, not running a fictional town. And she simply couldn't muster the will or energy to take proper care of herself when she finally made it home. She wanted to tell her all of that. And how she feared that it would always be this way and how she knew she wasn't strong enough to bear it forever. How she feared that she would turn back to evil to protect herself.
But she simply couldn't form the words.
Regina had nothing left to dissuade the blond except the truth that she couldn't utter and her shoulders slumped in defeat. Despite her resolve, a tear slipped free to travel down her cheek and land on her blouse. Another one followed.
She heard Emma suck in a breath and suddenly she was engulfed in a tangle of arms. She stiffened slightly but it was an automatic reaction only and she felt herself relaxing into the embrace almost immediately after. Emma was warm and she felt the chill that she had picked up back at the Town Hall start to dissipate. She relaxed even more and let Emma's shirt soak up her few remaining tears.
She let her head rest against Emma's shoulder for much longer than was proper and breathed her first easy breath in months. She wasn't sure when it happened but at some point a weight had settled on her chest and every breath took effort. For weeks and months the stress of existing, the pain of just being, caused her every breath to be an energy sapping struggle. But now, in Emma's comforting embrace, her breaths came more easily and she allowed herself to remember what it felt like.
Regina savored one last deep breath before gently untangling herself from the embrace that she never should have allowed in the first place. She met Emma's eyes, even though her embarrassment made her feel awkward now. Emma just offered her an understanding, though hesitant, smile.
Still, Regina felt exposed, and she wrapped her arms around her middle. She had let Emma take care of her after all, if only just a little, but what now? She couldn't allow it to continue. An Evil Queen did not deserve a Savior and the Savior deserved much better than an Evil Queen. She should encourage her to get her long forgotten files and go.
Seemingly oblivious to Regina's internal struggle, Emma was clearly thinking deep thoughts. This made her next statement rather unexpected. "We should get dinner."
The suddenness of Emma's proposal derailed Regina's self-critical thoughts and she crinkled her eyes in confusion. "Us? Now?"
Emma smiled at her encouragingly. She was clearly warming to her idea very quickly. "Of course now. Granny's is open and she always has something delicious. And I'm starving." Emma paused and her bright smile faltered. "Regina please. You haven't been eating. Anybody can see that."
The thought of going back out into that group of people was unfathomable and Regina paled noticeably at the thought of it. She could feel the blood drain from her face and Emma's expression confirmed what she couldn't see. Emma reached out a hand and grasped her arm, in case she ended up in a heap on the floor again. For all Emma knew, this is how it happened the first time.
"Regina," The grip on her arm tightened. "Please tell me what's going on. And for God's sake, breathe! You're tearing yourself up and I know I can help you." There was pleading in her eyes to match her tone and Regina swallowed hard. Emma was so earnest and her expression lacked any hint of judgement. "Please." she repeated softly.
"I…" Regina had to swallow again past the lump in her throat. "I don't know if I can. Everyone will be there."
"Well, sure," Emma shrugged in her characteristic manner. "Probably. It's finally Friday and that budget meeting was today so nobody's gone back..."
Regina actually heard the click of the pieces falling into place for Emma. She didn't really have the whole picture with what little she knew but she had a better picture than a couple of minutes ago. "Did something happen at the meeting?"
Regina wrapped her arms more securely around her middle but shook her head no. And she wasn't lying. Nothing HAD happened at the budget meeting. Of course people had argued with her about money. That was the whole point of having the meetings in the first place. All of this drama came from her own inadequacies. "It's just… those meetings are hard."
She felt like such a failure; she was clearly broken. Why was she sharing this with Emma? Her internal voice screamed at her to stop, but she just kept going. "The conflict is hard."
Emma still had her hand on Regina's arm and she gave it a reassuring squeeze. Her eyes didn't hold the pity that Regina feared, but they were impossibly sympathetic. "I know it is. I've seen you flinch every time a voice gets raised."
That was an unwelcome revelation to Regina and she felt something cold grow inside her. She thought that, until today, she had managed to keep her struggles and failures to herself. That she hadn't certainly explained why she was having such a hard time deflecting Emma's desire to help.
If Emma noticed the sudden stillness her comment caused she didn't let on. She just forged ahead. "But it's just dinner. And I'm going to be there with you." The blond wanted her to say yes. Everything about her screamed it. "You can do this. We can do this."
Truly, Regina couldn't fathom that the simple act of having Emma by her side could help her through the ordeal that would be dinner at Granny's and she had spent this entire conversation trying to avoid the formulation of a "we". But there was a part of her she just couldn't deny that had to know if being with Emma really could help her. She had to know if there was a balm for her bruised heart that didn't involve hatred and revenge and the Evil Queen.
Even if she didn't deserve it, all she ever wanted was to be Just Regina and not be alone. It made Emma impossible to resist.
Notes:
That's it for this part. Feel free to share your thoughts if you're so inclined but please recall that I am the furthest thing from a writer there is. This is probably the best I can do.
