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Chapter Notes: I'm so glad that I'm finally ready to re-post this. For those of you who read the original, this version is going to be a lot shorter than the old one (about nine chapters long in total), and the prophecy has been changed. However, the first few chapters won't be much different other than a few small changes here and there. I feel it reads much better now, and I hope you all feel the same way.
"I know you'll never love me. I know that I'm a monster, but you treat me like a man."
"I'm counting on you. To keep her safe."
"'Till the end of the world. Even if that happens to be tonight."
My room was my destination, so I can get changed into something I feel comfortable fighting in, but instead I end up in another room entirely.
Dawn's.
I sweep my gaze through the room, examining anything and everything. Her posters, newly bought after she tried to burn her old ones; her stuffed animals, a bigger collection than my own; her diaries, mended as much as they can be by a helpful Xander; her clothes, that still smell of her; and her bed, empty and creased.
She didn't have time to make it the morning we ran.
To think that months ago, I walked into this room and found it fading in and out, telling me it wasn't supposed to be this way. It was supposed to be spare; filled with Mom's art supplies and junk we'd neglected to unpack years before. Now I can't imagine it being anything other than Dawn's room.
And if she dies tonight and everything here disappears…
I don't realize that I'm crying until I feel two gentle hands lay themselves on my shoulders, the person behind me making soothing noises in an effort to stop the tears. It's Spike, and he's followed me up. How long have I been up here, just standing in Dawn's room, crying at the thought of her being gone from my life?
From existence?
I hear him speak, but I don't focus on what he's saying. I just let him lead me out of the room and towards my own, my original destination. I shouldn't have gone into Dawn's room. She's still out there, about to be cut open by a God from Hell, and I need to save her. I couldn't save Mom in time – and if I can't save Dawn either, then I'm done with this.
When we reach my room, I finally focus on what Spike's saying. "Need to give your hair a brush?"
I nod. I can still fight with my hair down, but not as well. It gets in the way sometimes. I can't afford to make any mistakes and put Dawn's life at risk.
And yet I make no move to pick up my hairbrush. I don't know why. In the corner of my vision I see Spike fetch it, before I feel him take my hair down and gently run the brush through. He didn't ask, but he didn't need to. I don't care that he's doing it. The weight of the world is on my shoulders – always has been and always will be – and for once I let someone else take care of me.
And who better than the vampire who claims to love me with his last undying breath?
He untangles any knots before he ties the hair up again. It feels nice. Wonderful, even. Soothing. For a moment I can forget that come morning, the world might not be here to greet the rising sun. If the portal opens, so be it. I'm not killing Dawn. But I'm afraid of what I'll do if Giles tries to kill her.
I lean against the cool body behind me. How is he the only person I can trust right now?
I feel his nose bury itself into my hair as he takes a whiff. I let him, and I continue to let him as his head moves further down and I feel his lips on the back of my neck. My Slayer senses are going through the roof, but I don't care. I don't care that there's a vampire at my neck.
Spike's right. Maybe I do have a death wish.
Death is your Gift.
Is that it? Is death just something every Slayer should embrace – will embrace when the time comes, and willingly?
The thought is scary. Conjuring up the image of Dawn in my head is enough to convince myself that I can't die. Not yet. Spike isn't a danger to me right now – chip, head, shocks – but I shouldn't be having these thoughts about him killing me. Not like he wants to anymore, if his feelings really are true. Which I don't want them to be, because that's scarier than when he was trying to kill me.
I pull away. He sighs.
"Sorry. Got carried away, luv. Can't help myself." He takes a step back. "I'll go before you kick me out. Weapons are ready downstairs."
He turns to leave, but I turn faster and grab his hand. I don't know why. He gives me a look of confusion, and I send him one back. I don't get it, either. I should let him leave; let him go back downstairs so I can change in private. But for a reason I can't explain or comprehend, that's the last thing I want to do.
I want him here with me. I want to lose myself in him; forget about the world and my obligations for a moment and let myself just be a normal girl. For once.
And even though I know who and what Spike is, and that what he feels for me may not be real love, I want to give him something. He allowed himself to be tortured in order to protect Dawn and spare me the pain of losing her. And now he's promised that he'll protect her until the end of the world.
If something happens to me tonight, I somehow know he won't leave. Spike doesn't leave.
With this thought, I lean in with all the confidence I can muster and press my lips to his. At first he's hesitant, but when I keep going he kisses me back. I grab his shirt and try to pull him over to the bed, while he tries to pull away.
"Buffy…pet…think…" Spike tries to tell me in between kisses.
I ignore him and any doubt that tries to break through. "Don't think. Just do."
Sometimes, on those dark and lonely nights when I was single and depraved, I fantasized what it would be like to sleep with Spike. I always imagined it would be wild and passionate and that he and I would be covered in scratches and bruises by the time we stopped and settled down.
I never imagined it would be loving and tender. But that's what it was.
When I pulled Spike into bed, I let him set the pace. What I got was soothing and gentle, not the hot and sweaty fucking session I had been expecting.
Not that I'm complaining.
When it's done, we don't linger; we both sit up, and while Spike picks up his clothes to change into, I wrap a towel around me and head over to my wardrobe. As I find something to wear, part of me expects Spike to get up and leave. Head down the stairs, out the door and never come back – or worse, climb out the window. He got what he wanted. He had me in bed. He made me come – repeatedly, I recall, which is a feat in itself.
If he doesn't do that, at the very least I expect him to start questioning me about it; if this is just a one-time thing – which is so is – or if this is gonna be the start of something. If I'm giving him his crumb.
But he stays silent.
I even catch him averting his gaze, giving me some kind of privacy while I slip into my clothes.
Maybe he's not saying anything because he knows it's not the time for it. Maybe he's waiting until we rescue Dawn and things settle down before confronting me about it. In which case, I should probably make myself clear now and save later arguments.
"This won't happen again." I don't turn to him. I can't. I see him flinch out of the corner of my eye, but I press on. "I…needed that. I needed to relieve stress, and just feel like a normal girl for once before the world ends. Which it's not going to, but… My point is, that was a moment of weakness and nothing more. I know it doesn't sound fair, especially on you, and for that I'm sorry. For getting your hopes up, I mean. But I just can't go down that road again."
He has to understand that this isn't just because of him. It's because he's a vampire; a soulless vampire, and my once mortal enemy. I can't do this, and if he understands me as well as he claims, then he should get that. Get why.
I finally turn to him. His eyes are averted away, unable to bring himself to look at me. God, did I do something wrong in bed?
Our eyes meet as he looks up. "Don't beat yourself up. You were incredible." Of course he can read me like a book. When has he ever not? "And I knew goin' into this that it won't happen again. I'm not a soddin' idiot. Knew it was too good to be true." Then he gets to his feet. "Told you once I'm love's bitch, and that hasn't changed. Whatever you need me for, I'll do it. Even if it's just a punchin' bad or a fuck toy."
"Spike…" I try to use a warning tone, but some hurt comes out in it, too. He knows saying that isn't fair on me. True, using him as…those things isn't fair on him either, but that still doesn't give him the right to say it. And I already said this won't happen again, so it's not like he has to worry about the second thing.
"I know," he says, breaking our locked gazes and looking away. "Sorry. Know now's not the time to fight."
"It's not," I say. "I just wanted to make things clear now. Before…before we leave. One of us might not come back, and it's probably gonna be me." The words are out of my mouth before I can stop them, and when they are, I realize that it's true. If anyone's gonna die tonight – besides Dawn – then most likely, it'll be me taking the fall.
Spike crosses the room so fast it doesn't register until he's in front of me, gripping my hand tightly in his. "No, you're not."
"I might not, but…" I sigh. "When I went on that quest in the desert, I saw the First Slayer. She told me that death is my gift. Sound familiar?" I raise an eyebrow as my eyes meet his once again.
"Yeah." He nods. "Every Slayer has a death wish. But you know what? That's not the case with you. Sometimes, maybe; when life gets hard and you just wanna run away and not look back, but everyone has those moments. For normal Slayers, those moments are there more often 'cause they don't have what you have. You, however, have many things to live for, and that gets rid of the so-called death wish even in those moments when you want it. You may not think much of me, Slayer, but I'll keep you from dyin' tonight if it's the last thing I do."
Why do I get the feeling he's just jinxed that to hell?
Everyone's ready. Everything is as set up as it can be. Which is why I'm confused by Willow taking me aside.
"Buffy, I've realized that…they're gonna be people there. Like, human people," she tells me. "The mental patients."
"I know," I tell her. "Try not to kill them, but if you have to hurt them in order to get to Dawn…"
"It's not us hurting them I'm worried about," she says. "It's Spike."
I pause and realize the same thing. Sure, Spike can harm Glory's scabby little minions, but that won't do him any good if he's surrounded by people he can't hurt. How is he supposed to get to Dawn if dozens of people are hitting him and he can't hit back?
"I'm sure we can think of something."
"I have." She opens up a book in front of me and points to some fancy writing I can barely read. "This spell here… Buffy, don't freak out, but it can temporarily disable Spike's chip."
I hang onto the word 'temporarily' and meet her gaze. "How long?"
"For as long as we need, and then I just say the second part to get it working again," she explains. "Buffy, I know you and Giles and Xander would never trust him without his chip – I'm getting a little wiggy just thinking about it – but we need to do everything we can to save Dawn. We can't fail. The very turning point between us winning or losing could be Spike, as weird as that sounds, and if he can't hit people…"
"Then the world ends or Dawn dies." I sigh. As much as I hate to admit it, I know she's right. I tell myself that it's for Dawn as I turn to where Spike's standing by Tara. "Spike, could you come over here for a minute?"
He wanders over and I step back to allow Willow to explain again. As she does I think about what could happen; with the chip disabled, could Spike turn around and kill us? Or at least everyone besides me? Or will he just run off, happy to be able to cause mayhem once again? Would he go and find Drusilla?
But he doesn't want the world to end as much as we don't. Our alliance against Angelus proved that. Of course that won't stop him from leaving after we've saved the world, and if he has to be in the same room as Willow in order to do the second part of the spell…
"Fair enough," I hear him say. He looks at me, unspoken promises in his eyes. "I won't kill anyone, Slayer. But…if it comes down to their life or the Bit's…"
I nod, understanding.
Finally Glory's down, and judging by her turning into Ben, she'll probably be down for a while. I drop the troll hammer and hurry over to the tower.
The battle appears to be winding down. Willow is stood in front of a dazed Tara and keeping the other insane patients at bay, while Xander is still using the wrecking ball to clear away Glory's minions. I see Anya lying injured but not dead while Giles passes me, making his way over to Ben.
I know what he's going to do, but part of me doesn't care. It's Giles's choice.
I hurry up the steps of the tower. I saw Spike head up here earlier, but I haven't seen him since, meaning he's probably still up here. There was someone else up there with him besides himself and Dawn, but surely Spike can handle whoever it is, right?
I make it to the top and gasp. Spike is dangling over the edge, bruised and battered, and trying to pull himself back up. Dawn is whimpering in fear, mostly due to the creepy old demon man slicing her with a knife.
I see red, and it's not Dawn's blood.
The man turns and says something, but his words are lost on my ears as I stride towards him. I push him over the edge without a second glance.
"Buffy!"
"I'm here." I reach to untie Dawn.
"But Buffy! He cut me! My blood-"
Too late I realize that Dawn's blood is dripping. It falls off the tower and stops just below us. A light appears, along with the crash of thunder and the flash of lighting, and my heart sinks as I watch the portal open.
I'm too late.
I pull Dawn away from the edge. We pass Spike, who's finally pulled himself up, and he takes a stand in between us and the widening portal, but I can tell from his expression that he knows it's hopeless.
"Crap." I instinctively duck as a freaking dragon flies out of the portal and soars above us before disappearing into the distance. Bolts of lightning leave the portal and hit various buildings in Sunnydale, turning them into manifestations from Hell.
"Buffy, you have to let me jump," says Dawn, trying to break away from my grasp. "I won't let the world end."
"And I won't let you die!"
"What difference does it make?!" she screams at me. "We're all gonna die anyway! I'm gonna die anyway! At least if I jump, I'm the only one who will!"
"NO!" I tighten my grip, making sure not to hurt her.
A lightning bolt misses us by inches, and she screeches. "Buffy, I have to. Only my blood can close it."
Her blood. I remember what I said all those months ago; that we have the same blood. The monks made Dawn from me, and we have the same blood. Mine may not be the Key, but it's Summers blood.
That means…
"I have to jump."
Dawn's eyes widen. "Buffy, no! You can't!"
"I can!" I tell her. "We have the same blood. I have to jump; I'm the one who saves the world. I'm the one who dies for it." I knew I was gonna die tonight. I guess that's what the First Slayer meant; death is my gift to the world. My death. "I have to do this, Dawn. One of us has to jump, and it's not gonna be you."
"'S not gonna be you either, pet."
Spike. I'd forgotten he was up here. And what does he mean by…? "What?" I turn to him.
In time for his fist to collide with my face.
I hear Dawn's yelp as I fall. I expect to hit the platform – or worse, fall from the tower completely – but instead I feel Spike catch me. I'm not out cold, but I'm dazed enough to not put up a fight as he lowers me down gently.
I can't keep my eyes open. When I try, the blinding light from the portal forces me to shut them again. But through squinted eyes I'm able to make out Spike shifting into his game face. He grabs Dawn before she can jump, and then he kneels down and begins to suck out blood from her cut.
My dizziness fades and I begin to pick myself up, my eyes still fixed on Spike. I watch as he pulls away from Dawn and takes his duster off, which he wraps around my sister in an effort to keep her warm. He says something to her, but I can't make out what.
"Spike…" I stumble a little towards him. He's not turning on us, like I'd feared for a moment, but I still don't get what he's doing. He turns to me, his game face fading, and I notice the spot of blood on his lips. Then it hits me like Spike's fist did only moments before.
Spike's gonna jump.
He steps towards me and lightly rests both hands on my upper arms. I think that he's going to press his lips to mine, but instead, he presses them to my forehead.
"Buffy, listen to me. Listen." My eyes meet his blue ones, glowing as brightly as the portal behind him. "I love you. I'll always love you. And this is something I have to do. It's alright. If I see her – if I'm goin' there – I'll give your love to your mum. You have to take care of Dawn now; your friends, and the world, too. I know the life of a Slayer is hard, but you have to be strong. The hardest thing to do in this world is to live in it. Be brave, Buffy. Live. For me."
And then he turns and disappears into the light.
End Notes: Like before, this is a response to a challenge posted by Tempestt on Elysian Fields.
