A/N READ THIS!!! Firstly I have to say that before you read this you should know that I based my letter from Sirius strongly around Callum's letter to Sephy in Malorie Blackman's 'Knife Edge'. If you haven't it is an extremely good book and it is the sequel to 'Noughts and Crosses'. However, I have not copied it completely word-to-word. I have used some of the same sentences but most of it is my own sentences and I have altered some of hers to fit in with Remus and Sirius' story. Please don't hate me for doing this it's just I'm not a good enough writer to write a powerful enough letter and I needed the help of an excellent writer to base it around. Thanks, that's all. xxx
The Letter
I felt the large bird land on my shoulder and drop the letter onto my lap. It nipped my ear affectionately and, not looking up at it, I gave it an owl treat from a bag near me. It flew off satisfied. I held my head in my hands. My eyes were red from crying and my head was pounding from lack of sleep. I was so alone and I couldn't stand one minute of it. Because ever time I shut my eyes I saw his grinning face looking back at me. And each time I wanted to scream at him YOU BASTARD! But I couldn't. Because I would never scream at my Sirius like that. I loved him too much. That was my problem.
I took a hand away from my face to reach down and pick up the letter. My heart leapt to my throat as I stared at the all-too-recognizable extravagant handwriting. Sirius Black. I pondered whether I should open it. What would he have to say to me now, that I didn't already know? Apart from that he's sorry and that he's innocent. But I don't believe either of those so what's the point? But curiosity got the got the better of me and with trembling fingers I ripped the envelope and pulled out the letter.
Dear Remus,
The first thing I want to tell you is that however much you detest me right now, I am innocent. I did not betray James and Lily to You-Know-Who (I am not allowed to use his real name, the Ministry of Magic forbids me) and I did not kill Pettigrew. I am not allowed to tell you anything else on the matter of my case because someone from the Ministry of Magic is going to read this before I can send it to you. They told me that if I said anything to anyone who is not in the Ministry, that I will get the kiss from the dementors.
However, the main reason I am writing to you is because I want you to know the way things really are. I don't want you to spend the rest of your life believing a lie.
I don't love you. I never did. I felt sorry for you, that is the only reason. You were depressed because you were a werewolf and I had nothing better to do, so I pretended to love you. And it was fun.
You should have seen yourself, lapping up every word of the nonsense I spouted about loving you and living only for you and being to scared to tell for fear that you didn't feel the same way. I don't know how I stopped myself from laughing out loud as you bought all that rubbish. As if I could love someone like you - a gay werewolf and, worse than that, a half-blood.
Even thinking about it now makes me feel sick. I despised you all. James Potter, thinking he was SO amazing with the ego the size of a house. I can't believe Evans actually fell for him. I was starting to like her, but she was just like the rest of you, oblivious to anything but your 'love' for one another. I detested the way he went on and on about her. SHE'S JUST A FUCKING GIRL, I felt like shouting all the bloody time. And don't get me started on Pettigrew. That fat idiot. He was a waste of space in my opinion, following every thing James and I did or said. Sometimes I just wanted to kill him. And then you. I loathe the very though of you and now when I think of all the things we did together, I feel physically sick. To think I actually kissed you, touched you licked you. You never wondered why I always stopped before we went all the way, saying 'I don't want to take advantage of you,' or 'I'm not ready!' I can't bear to think how disgusted I would feel if we actually had sex. Did you really believe that I could love you? I told you that I loved how you were quiet and geeky and lonely. But I loathed it and everything else about you. You're probably asking yourself why I was friends with you all if I hated you so much. That stupid hat didn't put me in Slytherin but in Gryffindor instead! You were the only boys willing to be my friend and seeing as I couldn't see any other way around it apart from being friendless, I took your friendship. And that's the truth, although I hated every minute of being with you.
I can imagine your face now as you read this and at least that gives me comfort before I have to spend my life rotting away in Azkaban. Once you've read this no doubt you'll hate me just as much as I hate you. You're probably so conceited that you're telling yourself what I'm saying in this letter isn't true. That I'm only saying this so you'll move on with your life, but I never for a second doubted that you'd do that anyway.
Forget about me Remus.
I've already forgotten about you.
Sirius
I stared down at the letter in my hands. My cheeks were soaked with new tears. I had a strong urge to rip the letter into tiny little pieces and throw them into the fire to watch them burn. But I knew I had to keep the letter, to look at it if ever my heart threatened to rule my head again. It would serve me to realize what a fool I'd been. I'd believed Sirius had loved me, all those years ago. But he had been so convincing. That was my defence, but what was the point? The damage has been done. Thoughts ran through my head.
Did he mean it?
Does he hate me?
Or does he love me and was just lying so I would move on with my life?
No, he told me himself. How could he do this to me? All those years he made me believe that he loved me, and it was all just a bit of fun to him. The worst bit is what he called me: 'a gay werewolf and, worse than that, a half-blood' and after all those years of trying to make me believe that none of those things mattered. He hated when he kissed and touched me, yet to me that was the most magical feeling I had ever experienced.
Yet none of it made sense! If he hated us that much then why didn't he stay with his family on all the school holidays? The reason came to me in a flash, because he hated his family even more than use. Merlin that man is so full of hate, I'd be surprised if his heart wasn't as black as his name!
I only had to read the letter once for the full meaning of all the words to sink in. I stuffed it in a box under my bed which had gathered a thick layer of dust as it hadn't been touched in many years and I wasn't planning to go near that box anytime soon.
Whatever Sirius had written in his letter about me getting over him quickly, I knew I never would. Sirius face would always grin back at me whenever I shut my eyes and that was the honest truth.
A/N Ok Sirius is some mean bastard in this! Shall I explain everything by doing another chapter or shall I make it a one shot. I'll probably do another chapter unless I am overruled. Please review because it makes my day and don't hate me too much for using some of Malorie Blackman's work!!!
