"THE EVILAUTHORS VS THE TITANIC: YOUTH ELIXIR III"

By: EvilSpoofAuthors Cassi & Sven

A/N This is a re-upload Chapter Edited By Cassi. As of 2010, Sven has quit spoof-writing for good. So anything added after the previously posted chapters is by Cassi. Though some help from EvilSpoofAuthors Becca & Amanda will likely be needed as well.

Warning: All Warning labels will be left in the story. (in case you can't tell)

Warning 2: This story contains Character death…however since Chris brought him back, I suppose it doesn't really count. But hey they say to include warnings in the event of a Character death. There was no rule saying to not include the ones we brought back. If there are any other deaths at this time, I know nothing about them. (slips the gun to Archie and holds up empty hands) See? I'm not even armed.

"Um—"

"Shut up, Pet."

"Shutting up, ma'am." Archie replies, dropping his voice to a whisper. "Though you might want to put a jacket on over that great big hunting knife."

"Oh right." Cassi responds, slipping her leather jacket on. "Where was I?"

"Unarmed." Archie reminds her.

"Right." Cassi continues. "I'm completely innocent of any deaths in this story."

On with the original story.


For those wondering, the reason we're doing this is because we are planning to spoof the movie, (Already fully casted) and after intense studying, we decided to visit the ship itself, lock it in a time warp long before it sinks and then use our own methods to completely crack the Officers and have a little bit of fun while we learn the way around the real ship.

Also, as the EvilAuthors have taken a liking to Second Officer Charles Lightoller. (from reading his own account of the sinking-as he was grossly miss featured in the movie) We were planning to completely crack the man before making him a temp. Assistant for the spoof of Titanic.

So most of the mischief was created by us of course with the addition of 2 of the senior Officers (Murdoch and Lightoller) who were in desperate need of a few laughs. For those wondering, we completely disagree with the rumors that Murdoch shot himself as there were two witnesses who saw how he died. [Gracie was with him just before the wave caught the boat deck, and Lightoller saw him get engulfed by it and drown] There is more proof that it was really Chief Officer Wilde who did the shooting, or even the Purser McElroy, but you can come to your own conclusions. (this is just our point of view)

Right, now that all that's out of the way, we, with Amanda, and Becca and their groups get to sack the Titanic...before the iceberg does.


WARNING: Rollerblading in First Class is not often appreciated...too bad we missed that memo. (grin)


PROLOGUE: "RMS = REALLY MESSY SHIP"

SPOOFSET BLUE ROOM

In the blue walled room all seated on the plush blue carpeting, the insane people behind the spoofs were doing research on the Titanic story so they could point out all the mistakes made in the movie. Making it a point to cover anything they could find on the sinking and the people who were involved in some way.

Cassi, Sven, Amanda, Becca, and the other Assistants were seated on the floor around a Television set with a DVD/VCR. Strewn across the floor around them were a pile of books, a couple DVD's, and the two-video movie of Titanic, not to mention the two-disc collector's Edition of the movie which included all the deleted scenes. (some of which we will be adding back in for the spoof as we believe some should have been left in)

Sven sighed and dropped a book on the floor. "This isn't working." She spoke up.

"Tell me about it." Cassi muttered, swallowing two Excedrin. "They had most of the Officers all wrong!"

Romano held up a black hard cover book. "How come they cut the Californian out of the movie?"

He asked, pointedly. "I thought hearing about the Officers wanting to shoot it with a cannon was pretty funny."

"Where is that written?" Elizabeth demanded. "You aren't serious!"

Romano handed her the book. "Boxhall said it while launching the rockets to Quartermaster Rowe." He informed her, smugly. (Yes, this is FACT!)

Cassi held up another book. "Lightoller was thinking it." She replied, absently. "He said so in his book."

"Thus explaining why you wanna make him an Assistant." Cosmo put in.

Riddick dumped yet another book on the floor. "This says there's no evidence that Murdoch killed himself." He added. "The movie messed up a lot."

"He couldn't have." Cassi answered. "Lightoller saw him when the wave hit him and Gracie was with him most of that time."

"That guy with the shakes in the DVD said he thought it was What's-His-Name . . . the other guy that did it." Amanda remembered.

"Walter Lord." Cassi corrected. "I agree. I think it was Wilde. They all hated him anyway, because he took Murdoch's place as Chief, and bumped all of them down one rank and he was the only one unaccounted for at the ending."

"He was also the one who asked Lightoller where the guns were." Sven added.

"About those guns..." Romano cut in. "That thing of Lightoller threatening to shoot them like dogs with an empty gun was hysterical."

"NO!" Becca cried in surprise. "The gun was empty!"

"Yep, says so in his book." Cassi answered.

"And the movie." Sven added. "He threatened them and then loaded the gun, while Lowe stood by and covered for him."

"You're right." Mid retorted with a grin. "I do like him."

"So which did you want to bring to the Set?" Haldir asked, pointedly. "Aside of the obvious."

Cassi picked up a list. "Lightoller, Moody, Boxhall, and Lowe." She replied. "I just wish we could see how they really act." (Eventually, we will take Murdoch and a lot of others, but it's decided later)

Riddick gave a sly grin. "So let's go there and find out." He suggested. "Lucy can make a bunch of First Class Tickets."

Lucy grinned. "And we can use the Black Pearl and Dave's talent to get there!" She cried, excitedly.

"I don't know if I want to be on that ship." Sven spoke up.

Cassi shrugged. "So we just get off before it sinks." She argued. "Think of all we can get into."

"We can run around screaming the ship will sink." Emmy suggested.

"Then we can run around screaming the sky is going to fall and we're being invaded by Flying Purple monkeys." Silver added, grinning.

"Not to mention Martian Pigs, Killer Squirrels, Radioactive Mutant Hummingbirds..." Romano quipped, with a sly look.

"Squiggle Worms...Fuzzy Blue Aliens that look like Rabid Hamsters..." Sven went on.

"Eck the Lion..." Fiddles suggested from the doorway. "Fiddles wants to go too, yes he does!"

"This should prove to be very interesting." Sven replied, shortly.

"RMS is going to stand for "Really Messy Ship" by the time we finish with it." Elizabeth retorted, laughing. "I can't wait to see how the Officers react to Fiddles."

Good idea." Cassi snarked. "We'll just corrupt the Officers first then the ship is ours!" ("Snarked": Verb; Invented by the Rocket Sanctuary Yahoo Group; now inactive. Meaning evil-smartass sounding retort)

"I'll get me crew together." Captain Jack replied, smiling. "May as well see who wants ta sack the Titanic."

Pippin pulled on Sven's elbow. "Can I bring-?"

"NO!" Everyone in the room interrupted.

"But-" Pippin began.

"The ship's going to sink as it is." Cassi informed him. "You can play Jumanji another time. The middle of the ocean is a bad idea. We don't wanna sink the ship while we're on it."

Pippin frowned, considering this.

"They have a restaurant." Sven told him, reassuringly. "You can dance on the table with Merry. We'll all have a nice riot."

"Oh...okay." Pippin replied, happily. "Let's go then."

With this, the entire group gathered up a few books and left the room, to call in the rest of the troops.

MEANWHILE, IN THE NORTH ATLANTIC...April 13, 1912

Second Officer Lightoller was making his rounds over the ship . . . [completely unsuspecting] So far, the day had been uneventful. As soon as he finished his rounds, he was off-duty, and it would be time to get a bite of lunch, relieve Murdoch for his lunch and then perhaps get a few winks before his next four hour Watch.

As he strolled down the boat deck, he was suddenly distracted by the presence of a man he couldn't remember ever having seen before . . . not that this was a surprise, as he didn't really get many a chance to meet all the passengers. The man in question, rather well-dressed, suddenly came right up to him.

"Hey!" The man spoke up, grinning. He was an American, like most of the First Class. "You're the Second Officer, right?"

Lightoller, slightly taken aback stared at him a second. "Yes." He answered, shortly. "Charles Lightoller. And you are?"

"Rick O'Connell." The man answered, enthusiastically. "I'm here with my wife and son . . . and a few friends. This ship is completely amazing! How on earth did you learn your way around it? We keep getting lost in here."

Lightoller relaxed slightly. "I believe it took me about 14 days to learn the layout." He informed Mr. O'Connell with a small smile

"Wow . . . you must have been on this thing a while." Rick replied, impressed. "Well, I gotta admit, you're doing a splendid job here." He quickly gave the Officer a light pat on the back. "I gotta go, there's my wife over there. Nice chattin' with ya. Keep up the good work."

Lightoller watched the American Mr. O'Connell walk over to a beautiful woman with dark curly hair. The pair waved at him, then walked off in the other direction. He stood a second longer, then with a shrug, continued on his rounds.

As he walked down the boat deck, there were a few light snickers, and curious stares. The Second Officer eyed the passengers a second, then continued walking, trying to ignore the whispering. It was not very proper for a member of the crew to be impolite to the First Class Passengers.

As he passed Thomas Andrews, who was making a note on something or rather, the Irishman looked up at the Officer as he passed, and an expression of surprise crossed his face. "Mr. Lightoller!" He called suddenly.

Lightoller turned on his heel, and glanced back at Andrews. "What is it?" He asked, impatient to finish his rounds

Andrews walked over, frowning, and much to Lightoller's surprise, he turned him around and pulled a piece of paper that seemed to be stuck on the back of his Officer's coat.

Seeing the other man's face pale slightly, Lightoller took the piece of paper and read it. He stared in shock. Written on the paper in a strange pen were the words, "RMS Titanic: Senior Officer's Designated Sole Survivor." The paper fluttered to the deck as he dropped it and Andrews slammed his foot down on it to keep it from blowing away.

"Do you have any idea where this came from?" Andrews asked, seriously, picking the paper up from under his shoe.

Lightoller frowned. "There was a First Class Passenger that came up to me." He remarked, remembering the whispers had started as soon as the stranger had left. "A Mr. O'Connell."

Andrews frowned. "I don't remember there BEING a Passenger called O'Connell . . . not in First Class at any rate." He answered, quietly.

Lightoller nodded. "Said he was here with his wife and son, and a few friends." He replied. "Then he walked over to a woman and both went that way." He pointed toward the bow. "And they were certainly dressed like First Class passengers."

"This is the same handwriting as the other sign I just pulled off Mr. Hockley in First Class." Andrews informed him, pulling a folded piece of paper out of his coat pocket.

Lightoller stared as he read it. In the exact same pen were the words, 'I beat women. Kick me in the rear.' Before he could give it back he started choking to cover his laughter. "Did anyone try it?" He asked, biting his lip, secretly wishing he could have seen it.

Andrews gave a small snicker himself before he put both pieces of paper into his pocket. "Not that know of." He answered, sounding a bit disappointed.

"Does he really-" Lightoller began.

"I have no idea." Mr. Andrews interrupted. "And it's none of our business at any rate."

Lightoller recomposed himself. "Right. Of course." He corrected himself. "I should finish my rounds."

"If you see any more signs or that passenger again, let me know at once." Mr. Andrews ordered.

"Shall I tell the Captain?" Lightoller asked.

Andrews shook his head. "Not yet." He replied. "Let's keep it to ourselves until we know more. Who's at the bridge?"

"Murdoch." Lightoller informed him. "Are you going to tell him? I believe Mr. Moody is also on bridge duty."

"If it gets any worse, I'll let them know." Andrews answered. "Just go finish your rounds, and let me know if you see anything."

Lightoller nodded then turned back to his original course, thinking about the words on the sign. It was not very reassuring. What could this O'Connell know that nobody else did?