2/24/07
Dear Diary:
Today Luke told Holden and me that he thinks he is gay.
He can't possibly know that. He is only sixteen. He is just confused; there has been so much going on. I would be confused, too.
He has been through so much this past year with his kidney problems, with me marrying Keith, and then Holden and me getting back together. I can't help but feel responsible for bringing this upon him. And then there was everything that happened with Jade. Finding her and taking her in; discovering that she wasn't Rose's daughter; discovering that she was. Luke really liked her and I tried to keep them apart because I thought Jade was dangerous. I went crazy when I found them in bed in together.
Oh, how I wish now that it had been real!
I remember when he was a little boy and he was running around the house playing with his toys. I remember when he would come home from school and tell me everything that had happened; I never had to ask. He always used to love talking to me. I should have known something was wrong when he started talking to me in two or three word sentences. I remember all those times he came home from school with girls and I was always wary of leaving them alone. I guess that was pointless worrying.
I had such hopes and dreams for him. I had his wedding all planned out in my head. It was going to be a May wedding, sometime around his birthday. The reception was going to be at the Lakeview. His bride was going to be beautiful all dressed in white, her hair half up, the rest of it in curls. She was going to wear the tiara I wore at my wedding to Holden. I saw them having two, maybe three, kids. They were going to be the perfect family. It breaks my heart that Luke thinks his future holds something different for him. A future that is so dangerous.
I am worried for him. There is so much hate out there in the world. He has been through so much already and I don't want him to be living in fear the rest of his life. If he truly decides to be gay he will be facing so many prejudices and obstacles.
I will always love him, no matter what he chooses to do with his life, but my heart breaks for him at how difficult it will be to live the life he has chosen.
Lily
