Dear diary,
No
Dear journal,
Uh, no
Dear…
Oh stuff this, I'll just forego the stupid informalities with my inanimate notebook.
"I'm sorry to tell you this, but you have stage 2 leukemia. It's not too late. There is still a chance you can beat it, but your time is running out."
How do you react to something like this? What can you do when your doctor has practically told you that you are going to die in a short time? These thoughts swarmed my head as the message repeated over and over like a mantra in my mind. I'm dying. I'm dying very soon. I'm too young to die. I don't want to die. Not yet anyway. But what am I living for anyway? I wanted to tell someone but there is no one to tell. It's been a month since I was told that my body had become a ticking time bomb. A month since I was told I was dying.
I opened my eyes and sighed. I had lost hope this past month. I, Namikaze Naru, had lived like a bum in my own condo, surely it is an unhealthy way for an 18 year old girl to live. I hadn't bothered to go out since I get dizzy in the sun and feel faint easily when I walk long distances. I felt like everything was in slow motion. My head throbs painfully all the time as if I had just gotten a bad concussion. I feel nauseated at the very scent of food, and even when I do force myself to swallow it, it goes straight back out. These days my new best friend had been my toilet bowl. Somehow, they had come up with an alternative to chemotherapy that isn't as damaging and that doesn't kill all your cells and make you lose your hair. The down side of course, all the other side effects that usually come with traditional chemotherapy are slightly (much) worse. Even though I'm dying, I'm so glad that I'm not in financial stress, so I can afford the best treatment and buy the hospital's silence. No one but my doctor and nurse knows about it. I'm happy. They've begged me to not burden myself with work and all that, but I can't. I needed to make a will, sort out my funeral costs et cetera et cetera. I don't want to burden others in the event of my passing away. Plus my parents had left me their business empire when they passed away, and made it easy for me to take over the business, making my mourning less miserable. I want the one that takes over the company when I die to be a little more at ease.
Everyone has always pestered me about being too concerned with other people's well being than my own. I always shrugged it away, but now I see, no, I'm now forced to see that what they said was true. Dying changes you. Dying makes you think of what's important to you. It makes you appreciate everything and everyone around you. If I think back now, I think I'm not ready to die yet. The prospect of dying doesn't scare me, because let's face it; everyone has to die sometime, others earlier than most. Am I one of the 'others'? There are still so many things I wish to accomplish before I go, most are impossible for me to accomplish in this condition. However, there is one particular one I can do. But I can't do it. I just can't. Not now. I had lost my chance in the past; I'm the one that introduced her to him. I should be happy for then right? I shouldn't bother them with my petty problems; that is if you can count death as petty. I don't want to ruin their relationship because of my selfishness. I don't want them to pity me. I may be dying but I've still got my integrity intact.
Flashback
We had planned to have lunch together today. It had been a week since the horrible news I received. Of course they didn't know anything about it, not that I plan to tell them anyway. It was the first time I stepped out of my apartment since the hospital visit. I wanted to cancel on them but the kept on insisting I should come. It's not that I don't like them; I just hate being the third wheel all the time.
God, this street seems much steeper than it usually is. Maybe foregoing the car was a stupid idea. But then again, my doctor had told me to refrain from driving. I didn't even dare to ask why. Walking seemed like a good idea at the time. Stupid. A taxi would have been better. But then they'll ask questions. Telling them I wanted a little exercise seemed like a better lie.
I had finally reached their apartment door. And the sounds that I'm about to hear will probably scar me for life. Hey, it's not my fault their bloody walls are so thin. For all I know they're practically shouting by the sound resonance on my side of the door.
"Ah! Sasuke stop it! Naru's going to be here any minute." A female voice shrieked.
"Who cares? Fuck Naru. I want you now." The husky male voice replied.
I abruptly stopped my hand before it came in contact with the door that I was about to knock. I smiled bitterly. 'Who cares' indeed. My best friend had practically told me to fuck off. Who am I to interrupt their 'beautiful love making'? Eww, I think I just threw up a little bit in my mouth. Double eww. Whatever, I'll just wait outside or something. I'll have enough time to come up with some lame excuse about being late or whatever. I sighed dejectedly as I went back downstairs to wait in the lobby. The apartment receptionist gave me a smile. I smiled back at him. He's a nice person. Umino Iruka. He was my teacher back in primary school. Kind of like a father, scratch that, mother-hen to me, his boyfriend Hatake Kakashi is the one that acts like a father. He was my teacher in primary too. Super pervert, reads porn all the time. How do I know? Well, I'm his supplier since the writer, king of all perverts, is my paternal grandfather. Of course, Iruka, being the kind and understanding person/boyfriend he is, doesn't mind his other half's pervy habits, although Kakashi being the pervert he is, pushes the poor man's buttons too often by asking him to act out the scenes from his porn bible. Poor Iruka.
"Still going at it are they?" Iruka asked.
"Yeah." I sadly replied.
"You should tell them, Naru."
"Huh?"
"About the cancer." I swear, it's like he can read my mind. "Sasuke and Sakura are just going to get angry at you if you wait to tell them at the last minute or even worse…" He trailed off.
"How did you…?" I widened my eyes in surprise.
"Kakashi works with Itachi in the hospital, and they're cousins. You seriously don't expect Itachi to not blab about it right? You're lucky Kyuubi didn't find out though, he would have gone crazy trying to nurse you back to health." He sighed.
Damn that pervert! Yeah, unbelievable isn't it? The bloody pervert is a fricking oncologist. Who would have thought, right? Itachi is Sasuke's older brother and my elder brother, Kyuubi's, husband, seme of course. No way can my brother dominate him. Nuh-uh. Not in a million years. Itachi is also my doctor. Supposed to be sworn to secrecy but apparently he's good at finding loop-holes in people's speeches. At the time I technically said not to tell anyone about any of this, but of course, Kakashi wasn't just anyone, he's an oncologist, and he's Itachi's senior. And of course Kakashi wasn't sworn to any secrecy about it, thus he blabbed to Iruka. Ironic huh? How life can bite you in the ass? What did I ever do to deserve this fate? Not the dying part. I'm just glad Iruka hasn't gone all mother-hen-mode on me.
"Please…" I bit my lip.
"Don't worry Naru, I wont tell anyone unless you want me to. I want you to be happy and take care of yourself though. Of course I'm not happy that there is a chance of you leaving all of us behind, but we don't have a choice do we?" He smiled sadly.
"Yeah." I smiled back, with that fake smile I know he hates. I can't help it. I can't pretend I'm happy right now.
"But even so, just because your time may be nearly up, doesn't mean you should just give up that easily." He grinned widely. "If you need our help, don't hesitate to tell me okay?"
I nodded, "Thanks Iruka-sensei." I smiled back, genuinely this time.
"That Sasuke is not a very bight one is he?"
"Huh?"
"I don't mean to speak ill of someone close and dear to you, but he has no idea what he's missing."
"No, sensei. It was my fault. I didn't even see it until it was too late." I sighed.
"I hope he doesn't make that mistake too." He whispered.
We ended up in a comfortable silence. I like it. The quiet. My life had always been hectic. One meeting after another. It's no wonder I'm dying so young. I had pushed myself harder and harder to get ahead in life, to not burden my brother too much. Even to the point that I graduated with Honors in Business and Law at the age of 16. I had always wanted a normal life. I just had no idea my 'normal' life would start as soon as I get a life-threatening disease. Cancer really does make you re-organize your priorities in life, whether you like it or not. I guess I should be grateful too, everything happens for a reason after all.
I was so engrossed in my mid-day stupor that I didn't notice my phone buzzing in my pocket, or the look of absolute irritation etched on Sasuke's face as I continued to look out the window. It wasn't until he poked me on the shoulder that I noticed his presence.
"Why are you so jumpy?" He raised an eyebrow.
"Huh? Really? Ahaha, I just didn't notice you were here that's all." I lied. Of course I get jumpy when people touch me, stupid. I have bloody leukemia. I bruise like a peach or something even softer. Even the slightest pressure on my skin can burst a few blood vessels and I'll look like I've been in a brawl.
He seemed not to buy the lie. "When did you get here?" He frowned.
"Oh, I just arrived a few minutes ago." I lied again. I hate lying to him, it's like he can see right through me.
"Why didn't you call us then?" He raised an eyebrow.
'Us'. I never thought I would hate that word. "Oh, I just wanted to catch up with Iruka-sensei." I smiled.
He knows it's my fake smile too. Damn it, why must I be such a horrible liar?! "Then why aren't you talking to him?" I can tell he's getting frustrated now.
"Teme, he needs to get back to work you know? Why are you asking so many questions anyway? Geez, what are you, the police?!" I feigned to get pissed.
"Hn. Whatever. Are we going to lunch or not?"
'We'. That's another word I officially hate. Gawd, I hate being this jealous. It's so unbecoming of me. "About that…" Just thinking of food is making me queasy…
"What? Don't tell me you have to cancel?" He challenged.
"As a matter of fact, yes, I do." I retorted.
"Why?" Another challenge. Geez, will you just let it go?!~
"Because…" Dear God, someone help me!
"Because she has an appointment to go to which is coincidentally close to this condo complex, Sasuke-san." Iruka finished for me.
"Yeah, what he said." Thank you Iruka for your awesome mind-reading abilities.
"Then why can't you finish the sentence yourself?"
"Seriously, Sasuke, you're being unusually nosy today." What ever happened to 'Fuck Naru'?! "What I do is not your business." Shit, I'm getting a little too angry. I turned my back to him. "Why don't you tend to your girlfriend's problems instead of prying into mine?" I spat the word out like it was venom. "If you'll excuse me, I have business to attend to." I started walking out, but was yanked back by a tight grasp to my wrist, shit it hurts. I can already feel it bruising. He could probably feel me flinching from the grip. I quickly yanked my wrist out of his hand and covered it with my other hand before he notices the bruising.
"What is your problem Naru?!" He spat out. I can feel the dark aura surrounding him with a 5 meter radius. He's clenching his fists so tightly if he did it any tighter he'll probably start bleeding. His eyes are twitching like crazy, a definite sign he's beyond pissed.
"What the hell is your problem, Uchiha? I come here to tell you nicely that I can't attend your stupid lunch meeting and you question me like you're a fucking detective." I took a deep breath to calm myself down. "Whatever. We both know you would rather be somewhere else right now, and I have somewhere to get to. Goodbye Sasuke." I had turned my back on him again and started walking.
"Naru!"
I stopped in front of the heavy glass doors, my hand gripping them for support, I looked back to him one last time, "Goodbye Sasuke." I smiled sadly to him before I exited, there was even a taxi waiting for me outside, courtesy of Iruka of course. He had called for one during our quarrel. Ah, what would I do without him?
I didn't look back to where Sasuke was standing. I don't think I could handle it. As I got in the back seat of the taxi, I discreetly heard him asking me where I wanted to go. I looked at the wrist Sasuke grabbed and lo and behold there was a hand-shaped purple bruise .
"Konoha Private Hospital please." I told the taxi-driver. He nodded and drove me there in silence
End of Flashback
I sighed miserably as I looked at the light blue bruise still covering my left wrist. It had been more than 3 weeks and the damn thing had still not healed properly yet. Sure it had reduced in size, but it was no where near back to normal. The color had changed to a less frightening shade of blue though. I guess I should be happy about that. Kakashi and Itachi had told me that it was a great improvement and that the medication was working, if only a little bit. Usually stage 2 leukemia patients took months to years, if they lived that long, to just heal from a simple bruise.
I guess I should be happy, that my life had extended, if only for a little longer. But why don't I? Why don't I feel happy at all? Hn, I should have probably said that I had been avoiding Sasuke ever since that day. It hurt every time I remember it. What he had said to Sakura. His facial expression as I got into the cab. Stupid peripheral vision. Letting me see his miserable looking face. Tch. Itachi had even asked me about it. Damn, Sasuke must have been desperate to go to his aniki for advice. He somehow developed a grudge towards Itachi over the years. Over what? No one really knows. I don't think anyone dares to even ask him about it. Clearly Itachi had no idea why his brother became so… hateful towards him. Poor Itachi.
People have often wondered why I never sound so upset, my 'therapist', a.k.a. Iruka, (but seriously he is actually my therapist, he's licensed and very good at his job, one of many by the way, I'm straying, right back to the topic…) had suggested to put a 'positive spin to grim news' as he put it so I don't become so pessimistic and become uh… 'Sasuke-like'. He gave me this journal so I can record all the things of importance in my life. Coincidentally, he had given it to me only a few days before the hospital visit. Is he psychic or what?
Anyway…
Yes, I'm avoiding Sasuke. Aren't I just so mature? Honestly, I don't dare to show my face to him. Heck, I didn't even dare to look at myself in the mirror. I assure you, it was not a pretty sight. I had briefly asked Itachi to describe how I looked, and he didn't dare to answer me but gave me a compact mirror instead. I have never hated a mirror with such a vengeance in my life. I wanted to break it so badly but I remembered it was not proper etiquette to go smashing mirrors in a hospital. Well, whatever, my face was extremely skinny now, I could see my jaw bones sticking out, my cheeks hollowed, I looked pale, paler than Sasuke (that is serious), my usually bright blue eyes became dull and grey, I had nearly purple bags under my eyes from the constant lethargy and sleepless nights. When I had gotten changed from my hospital robes in the bathroom I had checked the rest of my body, I wanted to know if it was an worse than my face, which was probably impossible since I looked like a fucking zombie. Well what do you know? My body does look as bad as my face. All my ribs had stuck out, my hip bones had jutted out too, my clavicle poked out, my thighs had become impossibly skinnier, although I must say that my chest and rear stayed the same size. Oh how I love my body, being so wonderfully selective of where I lost or gained weight first. I weighed myself on the scale, object of my hatred number 2 at the moment (usually number 1) next to the mirror. 38 kgs. Shit, I'm seriously underweight. Borderline (if not actually) anorexic. God (and my doctors) know I'm not trying to starve myself. It's just that the food refuses to stay in my stomach. I've had to get IV feedings for the past 2 and half weeks, but still my weight went down. Also due to the medication I had to take. 38kgs may not seem a lot for the more petite and small framed typical Japanese female, but due to my German, French, Belgian and whatnot heritage from both sides of the family, I am a full fledged, large-chested (thank God =D), 173cm tall, and usually a healthy 58kg female. I had lost 20kgs in the past 4 weeks, most of the weight came off after the Sasuke incident though. I used to look like the Eiffel tower, as kindly put by some random classmate of mine that I bumped into once. Now I look like a fucking underfed giraffe. Great, isn't it?
I have currently moved to the hospital premises indefinitely while my treatment is still going. Itachi was pissed when he found me passed out on the lawn of the hospital on my way there. He had scolded me over a period of 1 hour, 3 minutes and 47 seconds, not that I was counting. It was the most I had heard him talk in one go. I think I've heard him talk more in that time than I have heard him speak since I had met him, which was when I was only a week old. He said something along the lines of:
"…could have died…"
"…get Kyuubi angry…"
"…how… to explain…"
"…stupid idea… living alone…"
"…stupid otoutou…"
"…left dead on the side of the road somewhere…"
"…dead body… floating on the river…"
"…fucking stupid otoutou…"
"…Kyuubi will fucking kill me… slowly… castrate me with a blunt knife… play with my internal organs… mutilated body… unidentifiable…"
… et cetera et cetera.
Crazy right? After that, Itachi had forced me to live in the private wing of the hospital and proceeded to ask one of the nurses, Ino, to go over to my apartment and get my things. She was the nurse who always took care of me. Lovely girl that one. Strange tastes in men though. I'm not judging but he's not what I had expected someone like Ino to date. She was tall, slim, blonde, the super popular type, sweet and friendly girl. Chouji however, was a little vertically and horizontally challenged, (tell him that and you'll be beaten to a pulp) but he's a super nice guy, I see why she chose him. They make a cute, yet strange couple. Makes me jealous that they have each other. Here I am, dying, alone, yes, I do have many friends that love me and care about me, but having someone dear to you during your time of struggle is… different. I want that. Not the dying bit, but the 'having that special someone' part.
I hate it. The loneliness is starting to get to me. Everyone I love have someone they love. Itachi and Kyuubi. Kakashi and Iruka. Ino and Chouji. Sasuke and Sakura. Do you know that feeling? When you think of something sad and your heart clenches? Seeing all the happy, healthy couples hurts me. Physically, mentally and emotionally. I hate feeling depressed like this. I hate feeling lonely and needy. I hate dying. But once again I think, maybe dying is not such a bad thing. It's my escape from this pain. It's my escape from the life of sham happiness. I hate lying to everyone I love because I can't genuinely be happy for them. That I've always been jealous of their great lives. I sound like such an angsty emo although I act like everything in my life is great. This is the real me. I figured since I'm dying and all (no I'm not making light of the situation) there is no need to pretend anymore. It's not like anyone would read this anyway.
I guess I should be uncovering my past in this journal and all. Where should I start? I think I'll just make a list.
Age 1 week: Met the Uchiha brothers
Ages 1-4: Nothing of importance happened
Age 5: Met Umino Iruka
Age 6: Met Hatake Kakashi
Age 7: Realised I fell in love with Sasuke
Age 8: Parents died in crash; started cutting, no one noticed (no one cared); moped around for half a year; started going to the shrink a.k.a. Iruka
Age 9: Slapped myself mentally and physically to get life back together
Age 10: Graduated middle school
Age 11: Dated Hyuuga Neji before he turned gay
Age 12: Graduated high school
Age 13: Dated Uchiha Itachi before he turned gay for my brother
Age 14: Dated Sabaku Gaara before he turned gay for Neji
Age 15: Itachi and Kyuubi's wedding, attended as maid of honor
Age 16: Graduated university; took over parent's company
Age 17: Introduced Sasuke to Sakura; began life of constant work to drown out sorrows (better alternative to cutting); began seeing the shrink again
Age 18: Stage 2 leukemia
So yeah, that's basically the outline of my life events. Whoop-dee-do. Not the most interesting life out there. Somehow most of my relationships ended in a break-up where the guy turns gay. Not the best moments of my life. Why do I have to have such bad luck with men? The one I'm in love with doesn't think of me as anything more than a friend. The ones I actually dated hooked up with each other. Sigh. Maybe reminding myself of my tragic past is not helping me in the slightest bit.
3 Weeks Later
The doses of medicine had decreased a little now. Itachi and Kakashi had been fretting over my weight and current physical state that they're force feeding me food in a tube via IV drips to fatten me up a bit while decreasing the dosage of medication to reduce my nausea and migraines. To their great pleasure, I had regained 5kgs. Now a slightly healthier 43kgs. They were still unhappy about it, but at least I'm not anorexic right?
Itachi just told me I needed a bone marrow transplant. He added that he put me on the list when I was first diagnosed and it took nearly 2 months to maybe probably get an identical match. 'Maybe probably' was not exactly reassuring to hear, but hey, better 'maybe' than none at all. I'm an optimist that way. But when he said it'll hurt like a bitch afterwards, I was less than impressed. I had not needed that detail. At all. Now I'm scared shitless of going through with it. Then he continued to tell me that I'd be on high doses of morphine to alleviate the pain. Wow I'm going to be a healthy, yet high on drugs, and may continue to become a druggie, person again. Hopefully. If my body doesn't cruelly reject the transplanted tissue and attack it that is. I'm going to be on medication for the rest of my life. I'd be much more susceptible to getting sick and getting infection, and possibly dying because the drugs suppress and practically kill my immune system.
Err… I really don't like that prospect. There were a lot of 'maybe', 'possibly', 'hopefully' in the explanation. Thanks but no thanks. I'd rather die quickly and painlessly rather than die slowly over long periods of time. Ok, technically I'm dying slowly right now, but hey, months are most definitely shorter than years. So I had told Itachi that I didn't want the operation. And he proceeded to yell at me in an undignified manner, unbefitting to that of a doctor. I would know since I was one before this God-awful disease decided to slowly end my life for me.
Itachi sighed and put his face in his palms. "Naru-chan, I can't do this anymore."
I'm confused. Do what? I'm the one dying here and he sounds awfully much more depressed than I am. "Huh?'"
"I have to tell him."
Shit. "Who?"
"Kyuubi." He sighed.
Fuck. No. "No."
"I cant lie to him anymore. He thinks I'm cheating on him. He thinks you've gone missing. He thinks I'm cheating on him with you."
"You are giving into his usual paranoia?"
"I cant lie to him about this anymore. I have to tell him before…" He trailed off.
"Before he finds out the hard way? When he's attending my funeral? " I finished his thoughts for him.
He clenched his hands in tight fists, nails nearly piercing through the skin. Uchiha habit. Really.
"Tachi-nii-san, I can't control how much time I have left, nor can I guarantee that I can fully recover from this illness. But I don't want any more people fretting over this than there already are. I don't need people I love getting freaked out that I might die any more than necessary. I don't want them freaking out and in turn freaking me out that I'm going to die. I haven't lost the motivation to live although death does sound like a nice easy way out sometimes. I'm trying to fight for my life. I'd like for you all to have at least a little bit of faith in me." I stated rather harshly to him.
"Alright."
"If anyone is going to tell aniue, I'll be the one to do it."
His eyes widened comically, "…?"
"Nii-san, please bring aniue to visit me today. I'm ready to tell him." I smiled to Itachi.
His shock was still apparent although his expression slowly morphed into a sad smile. "Okay."
Evening
I was anxious. Super nervous. I've never been this scared in my life. My brother is about to enter my room at any minute and I'll have to tell him about my illness. This is not going to be pretty.
I heard the door slide open, and I looked towards the person standing there. Waist-length fiery red hair billowed in the breeze from the slightly opened window, he stood there holding on to the door handle with a tight vice grip, his golden eyes swirling in confusion, anger, shock and sadness. I can see right through him. He feels guilty. Angry at himself. Shocked to see me in my current state.
I smiled at him and patted on the bed, motioning him to sit next to me.
He comes over warily, as if he's trying to get out of a trance. Once he reached the bed, his shaking arms came up to cup my cheek. He's still trying to convince himself that this was all a bad dream. That none of this was true.
"N-N-Naru?" He stutters.
"Kyuu-nii." I smiled and moved into the caress of his hand on my cheek. Confirming to him that this was all real.
"W-w-why?" He stutters again. Kyuubi never stutters like this. Ever. Period. The question had many different meanings. All of which he was currently referring to but didn't dare to ask.
Why do you look like this?
Why are you in the hospital?
Why are you sick?
Why didn't you tell me?
I could see he was disappointed that I hadn't told him. So many emotions were expressed through his eyes. There's an old saying, 'the eyes are the windows to the heart'. It's so totally true. I've had the ability to read people like a book. Well, some people at least. Except for the Uchiha's of course. No disrespect, but they are a rather emotionally retarded group. That's why most of them are married to people with total polar opposite personalities to them, it balances them out.
"I didn't want to worry you aniue." I smiled at him.
His body began to quiver, I knew he was trying to hold back his tears. My brother has always been emotionally opened, he says it's his greatest weakness, also one of the reason why he's uke. He wants to act strong in front of people though. He would never show his true emotions until he was with someone close to him, like me or Itachi. I think that's why he's trying so hard not to cry.
"What is it?" He said in a shaky voice.
"Leukemia. Stage 2. I've gotten a little better though." I smiled to try to reassure him. This is why I didn't want him to know. But still Itachi was right, if I didn't tell him now and he only found out while he's at my funeral he'd have a mental breakdown again. It took him so long to fully heal from the first one. I don't want that to happen again. I don't want to hurt my precious brother.
He nods shakily. His eyes were already watery.
"Nii-san, I don't want you to worry about me. I'm not a baby anymore." I gently stroked his hair.
"You're not a baby but you're still my baby sister. I don't want to lose you too." He started sobbing onto my shoulder. "Please… don't leave me Naru. Don't leave us." He clung to me like a koala.
"I can't promise that Kyuu-nii." I sighed.
He pouted and frowned. It would look cute if the situation wasn't this serious.
"But I promise, I'm going to fight till the end." I grinned brightly at him. "I'm not going to give up that easily."
He chuckled in the midst of his crying, "That's my girl. I'm sorry I wasn't there for you since the beginning." He sighed, his crying already ended.
"It's okay Kyuu-nii." I smiled and hugged him back.
We had talked for hours, until I fell asleep from the exhaustion the meds were causing me. He stayed with me for most of the night. I had no idea that he took a peek into the journal though…
