I Cry, I'm Cry
A lot has happened recently, and none of it has been good, I've lost contact with so many people I care about, all because I wanted to make people smile. All I had cared about was my subscribers, not the number, but the actual people. I was so busy worrying about how they would think of me that I lost who I was, but they were happy and that's what I wanted, or at least that's what I thought I wanted.
The only thing that never has and never will change is my mask, I won't show my face on camera, my mask, my face, is the only thing I've kept from changing, it's all I have left of myself, it's my anchor, it keeps me in place, the only thing left of my old life.
People around and close to me saw me change, they began to think of me as just another Youtuber, obsessed over a number, but I wasn't I was obsessed with seeing a smile from people I barely knew, but knew me. I dedicated everything to them, I changed everything, the games I played, the way I spoke, the people I played games with… I wish I hadn't done that.
I still care about my subscribers, but there was someone I cared about more, and I ruined our relationship. He was the most popular Youtuber, and the most handsome, but with positive fans, comes negative fans. Those fans kept telling me to stop playing games with him, to stop visiting him, to stop talking to him, and I did, I regret it every day.
I had always held Felix close to me, he was my best friend, my bro. I miss him more than ever now, it feels so lonely, whenever I go online on skype everyone clicks there status to be do not disturb, or just go offline. No one picks up their phone anymore, I can't reach out to anyone, and no one wants me in their life anymore.
I was sick of being lonely, I was sick of being exactly what people wanted instead of being myself. I picked up my phone, I began to dial Felix's number, but I couldn't bring myself to press call, what would I even say, what would HE say. I sat there for what seemed like hours debating what to do, then I pressed the home button. I yelled in anger and threw my phone across the room, tears starting to form in my eyes, I hated this so much.
I stood up and walked over to my phone picking it up I could see one large crack down the middle, I sighed and laid down on my cat hair covered carpet. I heard some beeps coming from my computer, too lazy to stand up I rolled my way to the desk and pulled myself up using the chair for support.
I looked at almost all my open windows but I couldn't figure out what the beeping noise was, I knew I had heard it before, but I didn't know where. The beep came again, then a skype message popped up in the corner of my screen. I stared at it in awe, I hadn't received any messages in what seemed like forever. I hurriedly clicked on it, it came from someone I hadn't ever really talked to, but was still imortan to me, Marzia.
Cry, can we talk?
Cry? Please, I can see that you're online.
I really need to tell you something. About Felix.
