Story: Read Between The Lines
Summary: "Friends? This pain is the only 'friend' I need and can trust to always be there when I need it; it is my only true ally, Shinra, Shizu-chan. Say... do you know what the best thing about this kind of pain is? It lets me feel alive, and it's the only thing I can truly control, so why are you trying to take that away from me?"
Warnings: Dark themes, Self-harm, Semi-contradicting thoughts and POVs, Anxiety and possibly triggering content. Some form of Shizaya, or maybe not...?
Please know I don't know when or how often I'll be writing or updating this, so don't get your hopes up that I'll finish this. Author's block really is horrible for me. I won't promise anything.
However, I will say that (if I do continue this.) I'm going to try to get Shizuo and Izaya to slowly try to get along, yeah? Shinra and Kadota and Celty may play a fair part as well...
Very likely, this will, once again, will be a fairly slow build.
Some people push away others because they don't want to get them hurt, yet when they do happen to make friends, it can potentially turn out multiple ways. Perhaps, it could either turn into a tragedy, or the best possible change for that person's life.
Some push others away, because maybe they just don't like people and never have. Usually in this case, depending on the scenario, it can lead to opening up an entirely new world for that person.
Others, then, may appear to remain emotionally detached from everything around them, but in reality they were just never taught how to, and don't know how to, personally connect to the events that take place, and will often tend to go about trying to 'feel something' in a relatively harmful way. As a result of this, they will often just be shunned by most of society.
Then last, but not least, there are also ones who are somewhat who are actually rather insecure, and-backslash-or have been judged before, or maybe just 'feared' being judged further, as well as self judged, and so to keep people out of their own 'business', they habitually shun people.
Orihara Izaya knew he fell under all of those, except for the second, to some degree. His love and infatuation for the human race had been and surely always would be unilateral. He was as content as he ever would be, however, because that's all there was to life for him.
These 'feelings' he had for his rival Heiwajima Shizuo were no different in that matter. Where he, himself, didn't actually mind the prospect of spending practically every other day being chased and sharing hate or at least something with him, despite what he had said before, the latter had said he would straight up prefer never to see him again.
Not only that, but so many things about Shizuo just absolutely irked him. The fake blonde somehow had, over time, acquired 'bonds', despite the fact that he was obviously 'inhumane', much like himself. They were both just as 'horrible' as one another, as far as he was concerned, yet... his rival somehow was always still able to 'treasure' his close bonds with people, and even hold them 'close', but he, himself had never been able to allow himself to experience what it felt like to actually genuinely 'care' for such things and to cherish someone.
As a matter of fact, Kishitani Shinra was probably the only supposed 'friend' he had, but he had only ever bitterly chuckled at the way they even treated each other. Shinra probably hadn't once probably ever made him feel good about himself, either. While maybe the saying "What one doesn't know one doesn't miss" was true to some degree, he still couldn't help but wonder about it, and somehow still envy both of those two in different ways.
And with that said, and with those thoughts currently in his mind, when Shizuo had actually managed to catch Izaya one day of which luck was most assuredly not exactly 'on his side' at the very moment, he seemed to flinch in irritation at the brute's strong and painful grip.
He squirmed a bit, seemingly trying to pull away, despite how pointless it would have been as Shizuo had too tight of a grip on his arm to do so, and, by the look on Shizuo's face, Izaya could seem to tell that neither one of them had expected said ex-bartender to have actually succeeded in catching the underground information dealer.
"Seriously...? I actually managed to catch him?"
No...
"Tch..." However, Izaya was visibly growing impatient at the fact that Shizuo just stayed silent.
"Well now..." he finally let out a defeated chuckle, trying to hide the anticipation in his voice. "Shizu-chan. Heh, you caught me. Aren't you going to finish me off, already? I don't have all day, you know."
"Say, flea, I bet you let me catch you, didn't you, bastard?" Shizuo then glared in spite at him, in obvious disbelief that this wasn't just another one of Izaya's sick twisted games.
He just had to choose to use his brain now, didn't he...?
"Ha? I almost find it hard to believe you'd actually accuse me of letting you win, Shizu-chan~" Izaya smirked wryly.
Shizuo stayed silent, tightening his grip further.
"Ah... I must have underestimated you, though, because who could have expected that the monster of Ikebukuro could ever be so intuitive to something, after all? Anyway, even if I did let you win, I don't especially see why it should matter to you, considering that you do despise me and all. It would such be an easy defeat, after all, and you wouldn't have to deal with me, anymore. The thought of that should be wonderful to you, shouldn't it, monster? Tell me, Shizu-chan - why aren't you just finishing me off already? What are you waiting for, now? Come on, do it already, protozoan monster."
Did Izaya want to die or some emo shit like that? Or did he somehow just not want to lose his cool to this situation, instead opting for a sickened sense of indifference?
"Sorry, it doesn't work that way."
Izaya grew silent, raising an eyebrow in unforeseen frustration. Wait... Was... Shizuo sparing him? What kind of a joke was this supposed to be? He didn't need pity from that beast-in-human-form, if that's what this was.
Ha. As if he'd even dare himself to let Shizuo get the-
"See, even if it is you, I ain't gonna kill someone who so terribly wants and is obviously begging me to kill them, got it, fleabag? So don't even try provoking me?"
Immediately, at hearing that, he was growing agitated and bitter when he saw the look in Shizuo's eyes as they met his. This wasn't right. Shizuo wasn't human by his standards at all, so he refused to let him act it, otherwise... he regrettably realized he'd just be 'left behind in a way' by his own annoying feelings. He would end up losing the only sense of control he'd ever had in the first place. He refused to risk going through whole 'Nakura' thing, or anything even remotely similar, again, even in the long run. He'd swore he would never allow himself to feel that sense of 'helplessness', 'weakness', or even 'panic' again, because, honestly, he had felt pathetic and unable to think straight back then, and he had hated it.
Indeed, Orihara Izaya, the shrewd and cunning information dealer, who had always seemed to practically know everything about everyone else, didn't 'hate' a lot of things, to be frank, but the lack of being able to control how human and troubled he could, and did, feel about certain things gave him a sense of dread which he absolutely loathed, with a passion, even. He absolutely refused to allow people to affect him in annoying ways that he just couldn't allow them to, so he vowed to just simply control them instead of them controlling him, because, down deep, he knew how easy the human heart could be shattered, which was why, quite frankly, he had never really cared to get in the middle of people's supposed 'love lives'. Hell, he wasn't that heartless or cruel.
He, himself, might as well just be his own worst enemy, yet own best friend as well, because he did understand himself enough, down deep, to know that even though he seemed, and constantly acted, (even subconsciously trying to convince himself of it)just cold hearted and unempathetic, he was actually probably far more vulnerable to those accursed feelings and his heart might even more easily breakable than most anybody else out there.
Maybe he was frustrated that he couldn't make up for his weak heart with his strong, where Shizuo was the exact opposite. He didn't quite know why that would frustrate him though. Maybe he was just making excuses was all...?
He hated yet feared the prospect of someone somehow managing to get close to him, despite the walls he'd always tried to put up around his heart. He could the thought of them so damn easily seeing that weakness inside of him(which, once again, he was always trying hide from himself and others) and end up hurting him with said weakness, or just plain pitting his own feelings against him as he had supposedly done to other people, before. To be honest, he would never really admit that he had done such things. He just sort of loved observing them in many different situations, and seeing them squirm as they finally realize that nobody in the world is or would ever be 'flawless', including themselves.
- And he refused to let himself even take belief in the chance that it wouldn't happen, because someone really does never know, after all. Besides, he already had all the attachments he had needed with his humans. In fact, more than enough; so much so, that it made him sick from the excitement. Or at least he had tried to convince himself of that.
He hadn't never once felt like he actually cared or needed even one of them to love him before, but for a while now, the thought of losing himself all because of that once said monster, Heiwajima Shizuo, had been irritating him out of no where as of late.
Why? Ha, he couldn't even fathom 'why', so why bother trying? Or so he had thought. Maybe it was just because he couldn't let it go.
"Hah. Oh, Shizu-chan... You know, you're more annoying than I had thought you were. You know I'll never accept your pity-"
"I ain't pitying you, flea."
Izaya raised an eyebrow, knowing his logic was contradicting itself. "Ah? Why aren't you killing me, then? I'm curious; are you keeping me here just to mock me? That's rather amusing and smart if you ask me, but, just so you should know, I've faced and dealt all forms of mocking you could ever even hope to think of so you're not going to-"
"I'm not twisted like you. I'm not mocking you-"
"So, then, if you aren't planning to kill me, why aren't you letting me go, may I ask?" Izaya stared intently at him, rather disturbed and his smile now fading. What was his rival even trying to accomplish?
He needed to know. He hated having no control like this, and that was obvious. Sure, he had had his arms and legs broken before in interrogation from the Yakuza, but, honestly, the possible prospect of being 'forced' into showing any kind of reaction to pain to Shizuo somehow bugged him more than he realized it ever would.
"Because, I don't wanna. That's why. You always manage to piss me off by asking people too many damn questions."
Izaya frowned.
"What the hell is he doing?"
He wanted to say something to the degree of, "Oh, but I'm just teaching them who they really are! Perhaps you and all of them should even be thanking me, ne, Shizu-chan?", just to mock him, but those words won't come out. Instead, he found himself saying something else entirely.
"I thought you said murdering me would've been fun, before, ne, Shizu-chan? Or are you too much of a beast to remember saying such things...? Surely you don't have Alzheimer's? You really are such a proto-" Izaya would almost say he was amused by this, but only in a sick sort of way, and was more agitated at him than anything else him, right now. He was really just saying anything in hopes to simply provoke the beast, but for once, much to his annoyance, it wasn't working. Had he misinterpreted Shizuo's intentions, he began to wonder, when he was suddenly cut off mid-word by said person.
"I may not be that smart, you know, but don't think I'm blind, in the damn slightest, you fleabag. I'm not just going to kill you whenever you aren't even trying to fight me. Wanna know why? For one, if I did so, it wouldn't be fair from my own part and, two, I would still lose to either way, wouldn't I?"
"Fair from your part? Hah, and what 'part' of your brute strength is even fair in the slightest, Shizu-chan? Last I knew, even being hit by a truck barely injured you."
"And how 'much' of that 'brute strength' deters you from still trying to piss me off?" Shizuo challenged, glaring back but rather unaffected by Izaya's comment.
Izaya grew silent, looking a way for a moment, before seeming to smirk. "...Touche. Shizu-chan, it's so fun to immediately be disliked and shunned by most everyone you meet in Ikebukuro and Shinjuku, isn't it~?"
"So I'm curious. What would you call fair, teme? You obviously and immediately had something against me the very day you met me, or am I wrong?"
"Huh, says the one the who simply told me, 'you piss me off', the very second you laid eyes on me. Interesting you would even bring that up, Shizu-chan." Izaya scoffed, bitterly sneaking a glance at him from the side, before looking down at his free, but recently injured arm.
"Can it."
"Oh? So you admit i-"
"I said to can it."
"..." Izaya did not speak further at this point, not particularly wanting to dwell much further into this 'discussion' meant to be left undiscussed.
"You're really disappointing me, Shizu-cha-"
"So, flea, what're these rings you wear for? Got a wife or some shit like that?"
Izaya immediately tensed up. He had an annoying gut feeling about where this was going, and he didn't like it.
"I don't believe I've ever tried to force out information out of you before now, ne, Shizu-chan?"
"Were they some sort of a gift from you parents?"
"No, you brute. I'm actually not too fond of my parents, if you should know. If you will, please stop interrogating me, Shizu-chan. It's annoying."
"Oh? That's too bad."
Now, Izaya was immediately beyond himself in a detached sort of way, how ever that was even possible. Shizuo really thought he'd won, didn't he?
While he knew, as he was, he wouldn't stand a chance of beating him in a physical fight in the, he refused to just stand here and be humiliated by this beast.
"Next question. Why do you always wear long and sleeves, even when it's hot?" Shizuo met his eyes intently.
"Is Shizu-chan a stalker~? And anyways, they're just sleeves, Shizu-chan. Surely, you'd have something better to ask? Like who I like or something?"
"I'd probably just say I'm asexual, or something like that, if he did ask..."
"...If that's so, then you won't have a problem with me if I take a look for myself, am I right?"
"I said they're just sleeves, didn't I? There's no need to be ridiculous." Izaya eyed him, hoping, down deep, that the brute, for once in his life, would take just his statement for what it was.
And, say that as he might, it didn't change the fact that he was 'desperately' protesting against Shizuo pulling up his sleeves and seeing his skin.
"If it what you insist, why do you seem to be so against me seeing your arms, huh?" Shizuo smirked, obviously leaping for joy that he'd finally actually found a supposed weakness in him.
"Got somethin' to hide?"
"Of course not. I just don't want a monster to gaze upon my pure human skin, and form some improbable forbidden love for me." Izaya replied with dry sarcasm, still struggling to hold his jacket's sleeve down.
"You're shitting me. Bullshit." Shizuo finally, with a little more struggling than before, though he still hardly had to try at all, managed to pull Izaya's jacket sleeve back up.
When he seemed to realized that there really was nothing more that could have been seen, both parties fell silent. For a moment.
"See, I told you there was nothing, Shizu-chan. Tell me, are you finally satisfi-" Izaya started to say, but before he could finish, much to his dismay, he was once again cut of by Shizuo.
"Let me your other arm."
"Excuse me?"
"I said to give me your other arm."
"He really is sharp at times like this. Damn him. He really is a true monster. Doesn't he realize that this why I hate him so much...?! Ha."
"You've already seen my other arm. Isn't that enough to know that there is obviously nothing there?"
"No. It's not." And before Izaya could do anything, his other arm had been grabbed and his jacket sleeve jerked back to reveal cut after cut after scar after burn mark which had marred his entire arm over time, from elbow to wrist.
"...Izaya, you dip-shit... You cut yourself?" Shizuo almost couldn't believe what he was seeing. However, considering that this was the unstable trigger-happy nutcase known as Izaya, it all suddenly made sense in all annoying aspects.
Izaya grew agitated by Shizuo's demanding, yet nearly stupefied tone.
"Why, yes, Shizu-chan, I do." He stated as if it was the most obvious thing in the world, oddly letting out an chuckle at the brute's . "So are you gonna laugh at me now, considering you have just revealed one of the oh so many skeletons in my closet to practically the entire city of Ikebukuro? People are watching us, you should know, so thank you...!" Izaya jerked back, snatching his arm away from Shizuo, glaring, and pulling down his fur lined jacket sleeve.
Izaya turned around, and sped off, tuning out everything around him, and leaving the crowd there, hopeful that they would just turn to staring at that monster, instead.
Shizuo had immediately stiffened when he was sure he saw a look he'd never seen before flash in Izaya's eyes. Honestly, he didn't know what to think, and almost even began to feel guilty for doing that to him and revealing something like that to everyone around them. He may have hated Izaya's guts, but they were both still at least somewhat human, and he'd failed to see that before now. Neither one of them were completely one hundred percent heartless.
"Damn that flea..." he cursed, before running off in the direction he remembered that Izaya had.
"Why the hell am I even following him..?! Actually, I always do... don't I?" He ran faster, making his way to find him. "Damn that flea. If he doesn't like himself, in the end, why the hell does he act like that?!"
He regrettably knew that he wouldn't be able to sit still in the slightest until he knew.
A/N: Does this seem like Shizaya? I most assuredly wasn't intending on it, but... Please do review, even though I'm not sure when I'll next update or if I ever even will.
I know I'm a horrible person if I don't, but I will try, yeah?
