Those months after Wednesday...they happened. I'd like to say that with the rewind, it all disappeared, all went away, but that's just a lie I tell myself that I don't even begin to believe.
I can't tell Dean. He knows about the Groundhog days, but not the months after. He doesn't know how cold I became, how hard. How obsessed. He's already been looking at me funny out of the corner of his eye - as if he's afraid I could snap at any moment. I got very good at killing in those months.
Oh, I get the "lesson" Mr. Trickster taught. Yeah, Dean and me, we're screwed up. We're dysfunctional, co-dependant, too concerned with the life of the other over our own selves. Whatever. Hey, we're family.
But Mr. Trickster messed up on the other part of the lesson he was trying to teach. He was trying to demonstrate that I had no control, that no matter what I tried, I couldn't save Dean, that I would need to learn to live with that and without him. And now I know - If Dean dies for real, for keeps, no do-overs at the end of this year - yes, I can survive, because I have already done so. But that's not life. That's not me. I am defined, in no small part, by my relationship with my brother. And you know what? In the end, I did have control. I didn't lose. I may not have killed the Trickster, but Dean? He lived! I won.
All this nightmare has done has strengthen my resolve. I can't lose him.
I will find a way.
Standard Disclaimer Applies. I do not own Supernatural. I do not, and have no intention of, making any money from this fanfiction.
