Authors Note: If you have this story on alert, you have already read this chapter. I have made a few adjustments, and added in a few things. I joined Project Team Beta, which I heard about on The Lazy Yet Discerning Ficster, and I will be submitting what I currently have written to be beta'd. I will then update those chapters here.
I went ahead and linked both The Lazy Yet Discerning Ficster and Project Team Beta in my profile.
Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight or any of the characters associated with it. I do own 3 laundry baskets full of dirty laundry, a blue flashlight, and cherry cordial kisses.
Song for this chapter: Bound to Happen, by The Spill Canvas
*WARNING*- There is language. Foul language. You have been warned.
I shoved the last pair of socks into the only available space in my bag. I was going to have to sit on it to zip it. Jake would be here shortly to pick me up and drive me to the airport. He wasn't being very understanding about the whole situation, but I didn't exactly expect him to be.
My move to Seattle had come out of nowhere. Unfortunately, Jake didn't understand my need to change everything in my life. I had come to realizations that he just hadn't made it to yet. It was make or break time for us, and we were definitely broken. Getting to this point hadn't been easy for me, and somehow I had managed to get there before him. I hoped that he would get there eventually, but maybe he needed me to leave to do that.
Jake and I had been together since our freshman year of college, and had somehow managed to keep it together until now. I use the term "keep it together" rather loosely here, as Jake and I have broken up more times than I can recall. Normal people would have taken the hint a long time ago that this relationship would end up hurting both of us, but then again I wouldn't refer to either of us as "normal". Jake and I were masters of our own self destruction. We built each other up just to tear it all down again.
The knocking on my door interrupted my train of thought. I was psyching myself up for this, and damn it all to hell if he didn't have awful timing. I stepped away from my bag and moved slowly to the door. I took a deep breath and turned the handle.
"Hey Jake. Thanks again for doing this."
His response was somewhere between a grumble and a sigh. He moved roughly through the door, and I could tell he was hurting. This was going to kill me.
"Would you mind helping me zip my bag?"
Again with the freaking grumbles. When did he lose his ability to form coherent sentences? Oh, probably when I ripped his heart out. I have heard that tends to take a toll on people's speech.
The rest of my things had been shipped to Seattle the week prior. I had been living on the bare necessities for the last week, and I couldn't wait to get back to MY stuff. I was moving in with my best friends, Alice and Rosalie. They had both moved to Seattle shortly after our college graduation, but I stuck around to be with Jake. They were both ecstatic for my impending arrival. The text messages were coming non-stop, but I was glad someone was excited about this move. I could use a little enthusiasm right about now.
"Car's out front. Go ahead. I got this," Jake grunted.
I let out a sigh, but decided not to push this. I didn't want my last hour with Jake to turn into one of our infamous screaming matches. As much as I knew that we were harmful to each other, I loved Jake fiercely. Leaving him hurt in a way that I hadn't expected it to, but it was a hurt I could live with. I had always been a people pleaser. I constantly placed other people's happiness above my own. Jake and I were fooling ourselves if we thought this was happiness. We weren't happy. I decided I was ready to make myself happy; I was tired of living for everyone else. Making this move was the best way to break this habit. My happiness in Seattle depended on no one but me.
Jake's VW Rabbit sat rumbling outside of my apartment building. The door creaked as it opened and I plopped down into the front seat. Jake followed quickly behind me, tossing my bag in the back with more force than was absolutely necessary. He got in the car and we began our road to the end.
The silence was maddening. Typically conversation between Jake and I was easy and flowing. Today wasn't typical, and neither was the amount of conversation. I decided to take it somewhere that I knew would end badly, but as I said, we were masters of our own self destruction. I was out to destroy and leave nothing behind.
"Talk to me. Say something. "
"What is there to say? You are leaving me for absolutely no reason."
"Jake I told you. I have to do this. I am not happy here. I need a change."
"Clearly. More than you need me."
"It's not like that. We both know this has been a long time coming."
"Fuck that, Bella. That's bullshit and you know it! You may have been thinking about this for awhile now, but I had plans for us."
Now it was my turn to call bullshit.
"Bull-fucking-shit, Jake. Don't you dare act like you had plans for us. We have been dating for five fucking years, and this relationship is at a standstill. There is no progress."
I was certain Jake's "plans" involved our Tuesday evening dinners at the local Mexican food restaurant, our Friday evening movie rental and popcorn, or perhaps sex on Sunday afternoons. We were predictable, stagnant, and unchanging. I was tired of it.
"Done," Jake called out loudly, "I am done with this conversation." With that statement he sent the radio blaring louder than I thought it could possibly go.
Jake pulled into the parking garage at the airport, which surprised me. Part of me expected for him to pull up to the departure curb, and tell me to get the hell out, but Jake got out of the car and got my bag. He was already around to my side of the car by the time I had opened the door. Jake's mood had changed since our conversation; his eyes held a pain that I knew very well. I almost gave up right there, but then I remembered feeling that pain every time we fought. It just wasn't worth it. We began walking towards the check in. Jake held my hand gently and pulled my bag behind him.
We arrived at the counter and I checked in for my flight. My bag weighed a startling 49.9 pounds, only .1 away from having to pay for an over-weight bag. Finally something was going to go my way. We reached the end of the security line sooner than I had hoped.
"Alright, Jake. This is it."
Jake rested his forehead against mine, but looked down at his shoes.
"Are you sure this is what you want, Bells?"
"It's what I need."
"I am going to fucking miss you."
I closed my eyes to avoid what I knew was coming, hoping that this simple action would stop every ounce of pain that was about to hit me.
"I'll miss you too, Jake."
His head tilted suddenly, and I opened my eyes.
"I love you. God, you have to know that. I love you." His eyes were pleading with me. Screaming, DON'T DO THIS. I wished for a moment that he could have shown an ounce of this passion in the last five years, then maybe I could talk myself into sticking around. The only time I had seen this kind of passion in him was when he was fighting with me or working on cars. I couldn't evoke that from him, except for when we were screaming at each other.
"I know. I love you too, always will." With those words Jake leaned forward and pressed his lips to my forehead. His lips lingered there momentarily, and then he released me. He backed away slowly now. I moved to take my spot in line. I removed my shoes and placed them in the bucket. I made the mistake of turning back to look at him. It was then that his words hit me. Jake didn't think that I knew that he loved me. His words rang in my ears, I love you. God, you have to know that. I love you. My feet began to move, but my heart stopped them. Even if every part of my body was willing me to go back and hold him one last time, show him that I knew he loved me, and just how much I loved him. My heart knew better. Jake and I had torn each other up enough to know that we needed to let go. That didn't make this pain any more bearable though.
I turned to look in enough time to see Jake walk away. Our fate was sealed, and we were done. As I walked through the metal detector, I left it all behind. Something was waiting for me in Seattle, maybe it wasn't love but it was worth everything I was giving up. I was sure of it.
