Preview for upcoming story:

Blazblue: Critical Anomaly

Author's Note: Just to be clear, These are just a pair of gag reels for my story, so this doesn't actually have anything to do with the overall plot. It takes place in a semi-AU after the end of ChronoPhantasma.
If you're looking at this story for the second time, the story you already read is now the second chapter.

Gag Reel 1: Uninvited Guests — Part 1
Hat Cat Burglary.

Business continued as usual for several days, but as more and more time passed, a growing sense of anxiety began to weigh upon the residents of the Yabiko NOL Branch.

Izanami had been far too quiet as of late. It could be that she was planning her next move very carefully, or maybe controlling the Nox Nyctoris Gigant had used up more energy than she had expected, but they were expecting an attack at any moment.

But when an enemy finally did show up, it was the last person they expected.


"Whew, that still takes a lot out of me, but it gets easier the more I do it," breathed Noel.

Her face was flushed from exertion as she transformed back to her usual self.

"You really did a number on me, I've gotta admit," Ragna said, breathing heavily, a small trail of blood was trickling down the side of his face from a cut just above his cheekbone.

"I didn't hurt you too bad, did I?" asked Noel, noticing the cut.

"Nah, I'll be fine. I can handle physical injuries. In fact I prefer them to the alternative. I'm constantly on the verge of totally losing my shit because of the way people never explain anything to me. Master Jubei and that rabbit are always so cryptic about everything, not to mention the way people talk around me: either they act like I'm not even in the room with them, or they make sure that I only hear enough to worry me and then keep everything else a secret. It's enough to drive me insane!"

"I don't really understand all of it, but it sounds frustrating. If there's anything I can do to help, just let me know."

"I don't think this is really in your area of expertise. Also, didn't you just tell me that we weren't friends just the other day?"

"Oh. Right… I'm sorry. I kind of got caught up in the moment."

"Meh, it doesn't matter. Besides, you're still a good listener. Thanks for hearing me out. Ow! I think I twisted a muscle in my neck during our spar."

"Sorry…" Noel shrank back a few steps dejectedly.

Ragna fixed her with a half-lidded gaze.

"You know, people get hurt when they practice fighting. That's just a fact. You don't really have anything to apologize for—agh!" he grunted as his sleeve brushed against a cut on his arm. "I've gotta say though, those wings are deadly. I thought they were bad when I fought Nu. On the other hand, at least you don't use them for stabbing attacks, and that's a huge plus."

"I call them my wingblades. I felt like it fit their description. And thanks again for sparring with me so I can learn how to use them better. I don't want to depend too much on my turret ars magus. I wonder if there's a way I could keep more of myself covered though."

"You can turn into a flying death-dealing android, and you're worried about modesty?" asked Ragna "That's either really funny, or really sad."

"Hey, you're not a girl, you wouldn't understand!"

"That's an unfair assumption! I'm far more likely not to understand for a completely different reason."

"Huh, you know, I had more or less given up on either of you understanding anything," came a familiar voice. "I might have to reevaluate that assumption. Hmm, nah, not a chance; one of you's a complete imbecile, and the other is just ridiculous."

Noel transformed into her Mu-12 form by reflex, her booting sequence overclocking to the point that she didn't even have any loading time.

"No! No way! I'm calling bullshit!" Ragna sputtered, almost in hysterics, "I put up with some seriously messed up crap, but I draw the frikkin' line here! You're dead! You're more than dead! That masked creep literally cut your existence out of time itself! You don't even exist anymore! How the hell are you here!"

"I'll have to correct you there, Ragna," Hazama drawled with his usual smarm, "You see, there was a fine line where Hazama ended and Yuuki Terumi began, but that's neither here nor there, because old Hakkie didn't cut Hazama. He pretty much removed Terumi from Hazama. Which I'll just let you know, was the most painful experience of my life, mentally, physically, existentially… you get the picture. I literally would not wish it on my worst enemy. Which is a lie, of course, I'm a pretty twisted person even without Terumi in my head. I was created specifically as his vessel."

"Goddamn you, you sonofabitch…"

"Hey, I'll have you know that my mother was a saint. Not quite so much as your own, but—" he paused, grinning like a fox, "Oh, who am I kidding? I never had parents. For all you need concern yourselves, I spawned from a puddle of swamp mold in an ars magus research facility. Which isn't true either by the way."

"Get out, now, or I'll purée you right here!" demanded Noel, her slightly modulated voice making her sound more aggressive than she intended, adding a fair bit of authority to her threat. Her wings began rotating around her with increasing speed until they resembled a buzz saw.

"Er, if you don't mind, let's not do that. I'm sure you've noticed by now, but in case you haven't, you should be able to tell that something is missing from my usual ensemble."

They suddenly noticed something that would have been obvious had they not already been so startled by the appearance of the Imperator's former pet snake.

Hazama wasn't wearing his hat.

And if he was here without his hat, that meant that he could only have come here with the intention of retrieving it. The only thing in the world that Hazama liked as much as hardboiled eggs and sowing discord was his hat! And there was only one person here with the gall to steal it from him.

Ragna and Noel realized all of this at the same time.

"I see you're catching on. That's good. Less trouble for me. I'm only here for my hat, and then I'll be out of your hair. For the time being at least. Now, if you wouldn't mind calling that kitty cat out here for me, I'd be much obliged."

"Uh, yeah, no, I'm not Kokonoe's biggest fan either, but the day I do you any favors is the day Tsubaki takes a job as an exotic dancer."

Noel decided that it would be best not to mention that Tsubaki occasionally took dancing lessons in Orient Town.

Hazama on his part, didn't look impressed. This conversation was a huge drain on his patience. To be fair, he was one of the most patient men he knew, in sharp contrast to his alter-ego, but still…

"What's all the ruckus out here?! I can barely hear myself think, and in my line of work that's incredibly debilitating!"

"Speak of the devil, and she shall appear…" Ragna moaned.

As if intentionally trying to provoke their unwanted guest, Kokonoe was actually wearing Hazama's hat. Ragna didn't need to know anything about fashion to know that it clashed with the rest of her ensemble.

"Oh, it's you," she said as she saw Hazama, as if she didn't already know. Why else would she be wearing the damn hat?! "I figured you might show up around here eventually."

"Well, you obviously know what I'm here for, so if you wouldn't mind handing it over…" he held out his hand.

Kokonoe grinned like a devil.

"Okay, sure. Catch."

She tossed the hat like a frisbee, and Hazama's smirk fell away. He stepped lithely out of its flight path and watched as it lodged itself in the wall behind him.

Any sign of amusement on his face had vanished entirely. When he spoke, he sounded strangely calm. Noel felt a chill run down her spine. She ducked behind one of the pillars lining the hallway and gestured for Ragna to do the same.

"Okaaay…" he said, "Pretending for a moment that you didn't alter my hat… wait. No, that won't work. Pardon me, let's try that again.

"Now, let's run with the completely implausible suggestion that the hat you've been fiddling around isn't mine," the intensity of his voice rose, rather than its volume as he went right up to the mad scientist and looked her in the eye. "Even in such circumstances, there is already a very big problem here. Can you tell me what that problem is?"

Noel and Ragna certainly couldn't. But that was saying nothing of Kokonoe. And she just continued grinning up at Hazama like the cat she was.

"I honestly have no idea what you're talking about," she sneered

"Don't give me this crap, you know as well as I do what you've done. Specifically, that you've gone and ripped off Mortal Kombat, which aside from being set in an entirely different universe, is a 3D Fighter! And it has more playership, which does get on my nerves from time to time. Also, you look nothing like Kung Lao."

"Hey, I don't give a crap about your opinion! And who the hell cares?! The blade is just a pair of interlocking razor sharp blades. They come off with the push of a button. It's a fine hat, I'll say that much. It deserves a better owner than you."

"Too bad. That's my property and I'm taking it back."

As Kokonoe had said, the blades came off by pressing a pair of buttons on each side of the hat. In possession of what he came for, he began to walk for the exit.

"Tager!"

"Right, Kokonoe," the Red Devil hefted up a large gun of some sort, aimed, and fired at Hazama's head, hitting his mark dead on. Noel and Ragna were both dumbstruck to see that the man still had a head.

"What in the world? What's all this?"

Hazama grumbled as the air changed color slightly. Then he sneezed.

"No… it's not possible…" he hissed. "You didn't! You couldn't!"

Oh yes I could! That grenade Tager just hit you with contained cat fur. Cat fur in the form of a gas, at least. It took some work, but I made it possible. I also had to shave a lot of cats, but no biggie."

"And naturally, she fails to mention that she tested the weapon on me."

"Tager's allergic to peanut butter, so I used that."

"So, that's why Tager was on sick leave for the past week and a half…" Noel said wonderingly.

"Peanut butter and cat fur in gas form? Seriously?!" Ragna grumbled, "Who the hell comes up with this sort of crap?!"

"I DO, MOTHER****ER!" cackled the mad scientist, snatching the gun from Tager and shooting two more allergen grenades at Hazama, who took off at a run, managing to kick one back in Kokonoe's direction. But the other hit him square in the face.

"I dod't eben dowh 'ow you…" he took a handkerchief out of his breast pocket and blew his nose violently. "How do you even know about my cat allergies?! I kept that a closely guarded secret."

"Oh, I've always known. Ever since I first saw you. It's sort of instinctual, I think. As a cat, I somehow knew that I was able to kill you just by overexposing you to me. Kinda nifty really."

"I won't forget this. Mark my words, you won't get the jump on me again. Not after this insult."

"Ess Tee Eitch You and Gee Tee Eff Oh," she spat back.

"Uh, could you repeat that in a human language?"

"Okay: Shut the hell up and get the fuck out."

"Ugh… More than happy to," Hazama grumbled, "Don't you so much as think about following me with that monstrosity of a grenade launcher either. I'll murder you if you try, don't think I won't."

"Don't need to. Two hits'll have you sneezing for a week."

Hazama sneezed almost as she said this.

"I'll just remind you that your mom's currently Hades Izanami's bitch. Why in the world are you spending your time finding creative ways to mess with me when you should presumably be trying to rescue her?"

"Isn't it obvious?" Kokonoe sneered.

Hazama's frown told her 'no' without him ever having to open his mouth.

"Because it's fun."

And that was what prompted Noel and Ragna to hide in their respective rooms for the rest of the day.