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A/N: This chapter is very confusing. Read and Review!

Title: Siriusly Me

Author: SIRIUSly Unsure

Summary: This is a kind of autobiography of the one and only: Sirius Black. It begins in his seventh year, and ends with his death. Read along as our favorite Sex God battles Crumple-Horned Snorkacks, creates his army of heliopaths, and snogs a bottle of sugar!

Chapter One: A Very Sirius Introduction

            Why hello there, good looking! I am Sirius Black, the Almighty Sex God. I believe in pie. Let me tell you a lot about myself.                 

            I am in the last few month of my seventh year at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. I am obviously the smartest kid there. That's just the way I am. Oh, James Potter, my best friend, is smart too. Yeah. And his girlfriend Lily Evans…she's quite the know-it-all. And wow, when they go to together, its like badabing and badaboom!  But this story isn't about them. It's all me, baby. But this story contains a lot of James and Lily, for those two are my best friends, along with Remus Lupin and Peter Pettigrew. So. Where was I? Oh yeah.

            I'm smart. And pretty. I feel pretty, oh so pretty, I feel pretty, and witty…and gay! And I have a wild imagination. I like girls with long legs. I like Quidditch, and I play one of the beater positions, along with Lily. James is a seeker, Remus is the Keeper. The other people don't really matter right now. They never matter. Back to me. Ok. Well, I'm tall. Around six. I'm so proud of myself—I am now taller than James! Whew, I bring James into everything, don't I? Ok. So…I am tall. And muscular. I have a six pack. I have brown hair that is usually gelled back. Gel is good. I discovered it in fifth year and fell in love with it. Don't tell, but I love gel more than Rhonda Clearwater. She's my current girlfriend. Just the flavor of the week, you know? We've only gone out once, and right now my eye is on Lily's best friend, Bella. She's cute. Just the other day, I was telling James that I saw her snogging Remus, and I wanted to hex her hard, but James said we should just prank her, –oh that reminds me. Pranks. I am a  Marauder! Ain't that something? I made that name up. And I gave us—that's the Marauders James, Remus, Peter, and I—all nicknames. Sorry If I'm confusing you. I do that a lot. You need to tell me when I do that. Ok. So. Back to the nicknames. We're all unregistered Animungus, except Remus. He's a werewolf. I turn into this really cute dog, so my nickname is Padfoot. James becomes this unicorn thing that he calls a Stag, so his nickname is Prongs. Peter becomes a rat. He's Wormtail. Savvy? (A/N: hahah I love Johnny Depp in pirates of the Caribbean!)

            There's a lot more about me. But that comes later. Right now I have to go bother someone. Maybe James. He's snogging Lily. I wish I was snogging Bella. I heard she's a nice kisser. She puts on strawberry-kiwi lip gloss…I bet that tastes pleasant. And –no wait. See, there I go again. Getting distracted. You need to tell me when I do that. Savvy? I'm going to put a stop to James and Lily snogging. They're the Head-Boy and Girl. They should leave all snogging business to me.

            "Yo, James, bro!"

            "Mmph!" James was still snogging her. I slapped him.

            "Are you cheating on me, James?" I put on a squeaky voice that sounded remarkably like Rhonda. "How could you? We were so tight? Was it my legs? Was it the fact I never shaved? You player!" I slapped him again.

            "Aw, shove it, Sirius." And he started to snog her again.

            Rhonda came up to me. "Are you implying something, sweetie?" She narrowed her ugly eyes at me.

            "Oh, Rhonda. I'm not implying anything. I'm simply stating things."

            "Excuse me?"

            "You're a bitch."

            "I'm a BITCH?"

            "Yes!" I was glad she grasped the concept so quickly.

            "You are such a—"

            And then I transfigured her. I turned her into a ferret. I'm so good. Woo, go me!

            "Sirius, what the hell didja do that for?" James stared at the Rhonda, the bouncing ferret, who hopped away.

            "Dunno. At least it stopped you and Lily from snogging the night away."

            "Yeah…let's get to Quidditch practice."

            And James, Lily, and I raced off the field. Remus and Peter were already there, as were the other two people: Arthur Weasley and Bella Figg. She looks sexy. She always does.

            "Oy, Black, get your fat arse here and start the practice already!" Bella screamed at me. I love it when she screams my name.

            You see, I was the captain. I beat James to it. Woo. Go me!

            "Ah, Bella, how you are mistaken. My arse is not fat. In fact, it is quite hard. You see, I regularly work out my glutes and thighs."

            "UNNEEDED INFORMATION! Just get your arse down here and let out the balls!"

            Practice went quite well. Rhonda the bouncing ferret even came to congratulate me on my wondering Beater skills. Or maybe she was swearing at me in Ferret. And Snape came too. Ah, I forgot to mention Snape. Severus Snape, more commonly known as Snivelly, is a slimy, long-nosed Slytherin with greasy hair. I hate him. Who doesn't? Just the thought of his greasy hair makes my gelled hair flake. More about that git later. Oh…….……..more about anything later…Headmaster Dumbledore is coming this way with a ferret in his hand…I hope I can get out of this one.

A/N: Woo. I think this is a pathetic attempt. LOL. Review and I'll love you forever.