A/N: Ah so...I started writing this ages ago but then kind of stopped and when I finally returned everything had been deleted cause I didn't log in for ages - no matter, it wasn't that great anyway, but I couldn't really be bothered any more. But then since season 5 I kind of wanted to tell Sam's side of things, poor baby all that bashing has not made it a good year for him and besides, I always felt like doing a third part to this, will be interesting to see if anyone can be bothered to read it but there you go.
So, if you've been subjected to my rambling nonsense before you should expect the usual warnings, language, misery, angst, chick flicking (often on a humongous scale), no major character death, no slash and most of all NO bashing. So if you're not even a tincy wee bit bi-bro then you might not like it, but then again you might, or you might not like it anyway - but the choice is yours. It might go on a bit though so again if you lack patience or a reasonable attention span then consider yourself forewarned. Hope you enjoy. And thanks for getting this far.
SPOILERS for all seasons up to and including Season 5.
Rated T for language
Characters Dean, Sam, Bobby, Castiel maybe others
All These Things That I've Done III
Summary:
He came back to me. I have him back. I didn't save him, but someone or something else did and I shouldn't really care but I do. It should have been me and I'm trying so hard to feel something; something like joy or relief or happiness but I don't think I can. I can't remember how.
Chapter 1
Even The Bad Times Are Bad,
I have failed my brother for the last time. His blood is drying on my shirt and I can't bring myself to wash it. His body is in the ground now and his soul elsewhere. I tell myself he might be okay, that his soul fought off the dogs and made it beyond their grip into another realm, far from this one, far from the one intended for him but in my heart I know that it's a lie. A lie I tell myself to prevent the insanity from taking hold. The insanity encouraged by screams that I pretend not to recognize, pretend not to hear because just like I know that I will never find peace, I know they are the screams of my own kin. My brother.
I left Bobby to his bottles of liquor, to find his own form of comfort in them and set off to search for my own knowing that there would be none. But it wasn't comfort I needed it was resolution, reversion and return to the status quo or at least a more preferable alternative. An alternative that didn't include my brother burning in Hell while I supposedly continued in his honor, driving his fucking car and wearing his fucking pendant that only ever felt like molten metal on my skin.
The car's always breaking down these days. It's like she's angry with me, blames me for losing her master or maybe she's just grieving. Either way I'm grateful for the car maintenance lessons I was treated to even if I did resent them and their implication at the time. Dean never really had any hope for breaking the deal but I never lost it. Although it wasn't exactly hope more a selfish refusal that Dean would, or could ever leave me alone. It just wasn't going to happen, we were the Winchesters and death just could neither hold or separate us. It was like, I'd read the story and knew the ending but just wasn't sure how we got there. Funny then that the joke was on me, like I'd picked up the wrong book because Dean was always going to die - it was inevitable, there was no escaping a demon deal. Unity told me that and I should have listened just like I should have listened to Ruby. They both had the same lesson for me, that Dean couldn't be saved without something to balance out the scales. A price. A price I would have gladly paid if it hadn't been for the part of me that still couldn't quite stand up to my brother, because it was always him that had to be the damn hero and me the one that got to live. I would have done it but he wouldn't allow it and it's that I can't forgive myself for. Allowing him to take the stand, to make the decision for me, because I was too much of a coward to make it myself and in allowing him the final say, the ship's captain's right, the hero's honor - I failed him. I failed him for the last time.
There is a darkness inside me during these days where I travel alone that slowly devours what was left behind. Like an open wound left from a dismembered limb, ripped away without consent, it leaves the flesh to rot and blacken, spreading like a cancer until all within me is changed. I fight it with very sunrise but the light hurts my eyes and makes me weary causing every step to drag heavily, pulling me downwards into whatever awaits below. And I would welcome it if it would bring him home, if it would restore him whole, unspoiled and sane. If I could take his place and see him go free. But I know that's not what he wants, what he wanted and I have to remember that. I have to remember what he told me, that I have to keep fighting and I can't go down that road, but I will find another way.
I had another setback today, another voodoo priest who told me the same as the last one and the last one and the one before that, that there is no way of freeing my brother. Last week I contacted a witch who knew of someone who knew someone else who might be able to help. I talked to her about opening the gate about what I would do if I could, if it was possible for Dean to get out or if I could go in and get him. She thought I was nuts. She laughed at me and walked out and I ran after her and begged her to help me and she just looked at me like I was certifiable and handed me a piece of paper. I have to call them after 8 and I'm so nervous I can't sit still. I have a good feeling about this one, I'm sure that this will be it, that this will be the one because I have to save him I have to, I promised.
I called but there was no answer so I left a message. I'll call a bit later.
Bobby just called and I yelled at him cause I was waiting for this dude to call me back. He said that he wanted to meet but I don't have time, why can't he understand that? I have so much to do and every second Dean's getting tortured and having who knows what done to him, I can't waste anymore time. I called the number again but I think I must have mis- dialled. My eyes are sore, probably because I haven't slept much recently, but I haven't time for sleep I have to get him back.
I'm so pissed, this guy called me back and he was no help at all, said I was crazy and he wouldn't help and I got really mad and yelled at him because he was supposed to be my last hope, my last chance and I told him that he had to help me but in the end he hung up. I called him back and he hung up again and then he must have left it off the hook because when I called him again I got the busy signal. I've decided I'm going to go and open the gate. I'll take as many spells as I can find and all the protection charms that we collected over the years and all the weapons that we own and I'm going in there, I'm going to open the gate and I'm going to find him and get him out.
I couldn't open it, I tried but I couldn't do it. I tried everything and nothing worked, I just wanted to get inside and then maybe I could have gotten him out but I couldn't even open it. There's nothing left, I've tried everything, every spell, every witch, warlock, every voodoo expert, everything. Except for one thing, one more thing. I promised him I wouldn't. I promised. But I have no choice, I have to. I have to.
I feel tired. There's nothing left. Nothing. I've been to every crossroads in the area, I've driven miles. I'm so tired. I tried so many and they all just laughed at me. None of them want me. They want him and they won't give him up. I asked for a year, then six months, then six minutes just enough time to tell him how sorry I am, how sorry I am for not saving him before it was too late, before they took him, for not getting him out sooner, for leaving him to be tortured, for not coming for him, for not finding him, for ignoring his screams, his constant screams for me to help him, the screams I hear every single night, my name, he screams out my name for me to help him and I don't and I need to tell him I'm sorry. But they wouldn't, they wouldn't give me a single second so I asked for nothing, I asked for nothing but a trade I told him I didn't want anything just to swap because I thought it was just a trick, salesman tactics like they did with Dean, pretending she didn't want him so she could get him down to a year and I didn't care if it worked, I just wanted to get him out, I didn't care so I told him straight, I told him I didn't want anything. Anything. And he laughed. He just laughed.
And I don't know what to do. What am I supposed to do?
I'm supposed to keep going but I don't know if I can. I'm supposed to keep hunting and I do but for how long I don't know. I know I'm sinking, slipping into the shadows and I don't care. I'm falling little by little and I don't care. I'm getting sloppier and more and more reckless and it's going to kill me and I don't care. And I hate myself because I'm wasting everything, throwing away everything he gave me, but I can't pretend, I can't. I'm trying but I can't do it without him. I can't. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
Today I was given a life line, something to reach for just when I'd about given up. We talked and I was drunk as usual and I asked her if she could save him, bring him back and she said no. She says there is no hope for Dean but maybe if I can kill the bitch that took him then maybe just maybe I can find a way to get him back. I can't bring myself to let him go, to give up, to believe Ruby and accept that all I have is revenge now, because I can't I just can't. I'd do anything to get him back, anything and I'll never give up hope of finding him but in the mean time, I can do this for him because I owe him this, I at least owe him this.
I don't know if what I'm doing is right. Ruby says so but she's a demon and I'm not supposed to trust her and I don't, but I'm saving people. I've saved so many and maybe if I keep saving people maybe it will make up for the people I didn't. The people I failed. Maybe it will bring them back. Maybe it will bring Dean back. I have to keep saving people, I have to, it's the only thing I can do, the only thing keeping me sane, the only thing that makes me feel good and the only thing that helps me forget. It's even better than alcohol because I know that I'm doing something good. Something right. Something noble.
He came back to me. I have him back. I didn't save him, but someone or something else did and I shouldn't really care but I do. It should have been me and I'm trying so hard to feel something; something like joy or relief or happiness but I don't think I can. I can't remember how.
To be continued.
Coming soon: Chapter 2
Waking up is Hard to Do
I thought it would help, thought it would show him how sorry I am, how I don't believe I deserve his forgiveness or anyone's for that matter. But it didn't help. Didn't help at all, in fact it set us back months.
