Author's note:
Okay, I hope you are all reading this. I wanted to separate the stories into smaller chunks that I hope are easier to read! I'm intertwining all six stories, adding stuff, changing stuff around so it's not exactly like the originals. I'm especially working a little more on Chandler's and Phoebe's...and Monica's. So you aren't reading the exact same stories!
If you haven't figured out who the "narrator" is...you'll probably figure it out in the 80's. It's not Mike and it's not Ben. It's probably someone you're not thinking about.
Oh and I know I've been asked this but I spell G-d without the "o" because I'm Jewish and once at summer camp, the counselors told me I was supposed to write it that way...so I just have.
Okay, let's do this!:
Welcome to the 80's….
Big hair and big changes. I appear in the 80's….well, I don't really appear appar but technically, I'm there. It's not as creepy as I make it sound. I swear. There's also more overlap here as six individuals form The Six. Their lives seemed so different yet as they came together it just worked.
"I think all six of us were broken in someway," Chandler told me. "We were each lost in someway. Six broken people coming together to form a complete puzzle."
"I wasn't broken," Monica argued.
"Why must you ruin my analogy?" Chandler asked.
"Because it's wrong," Monica said.
"No, it's not," Chandler said.
I love listening to Monica and Chandler. There's something about listening to a couple who have been together for so long and know each other as well as they do. They were truly friends first although to the others, they were never truly friends. In fact, very few people think they were ever truly friends. I tried asking both sets of parents if they something. If they had an idea.
"Maybe not at first meeting but as the years went on, yeah, I had a feeling it was going to be him," Judy said.
"Definitely, I know my Harmonica. I knew. I knew from the moment I met him," Jack said.
"No, you didn't," Judy argued.
"Okay, I didn't….but you know, it makes sense," Jack said.
I asked Charles and Nora as well if they knew but Charles didn't meet Monica until they started dating and Nora had only met Monica once. It's funny now because both Nora and Charles are very involved in the lives of Jack, Erica and Sophie, like they're making up for what they couldn't give Chandler and Chandler for so long kept them separate and now, he treasures it.
"It's nice. I mean, I wish they had been a little more involved when I was a kid but I like that they're good to my kids now," Chandler said.
I'm worried I'm giving away spoilers and jumping too far ahead. So, let's begin, shall we?
January 1980
A few weeks before the New Year, Chandler had a visitor. A man dressed in a fancy suit. He had a clipboard and called himself Mr. Johnson. Mr. Johnson was very serious and had a very serious mustache and asked very serious questions. Chandler knew exactly who Mr. Johnson was and where he was from. Child Protective Services. That's where all these serious men with serious clipboards were from.
"Now, Chandler….I'd like to ask you a few questions."
Chandler sat on the couch in his living room across the coffee table from Serious Mr. Johnson who had no room for jokes which Chandler found out when he told Mr. Johnson, that he too liked to go by Mr. Johnson and was sad that the girls in his class didn't want to call him Johnson or look at his johnson. Mr. Johnson clearly didn't like johnson jokes but he did have a very serious pinstripe suit to go with his serious mustache and serious name.
"Yes, what are those questions? Do you want to know about my johnson, Mr. Johnson?" Chandler asked.
"Chandler, I want to know what it's like at home?"
"Why, Mr. Johnson? Are you asking me out? Do you wanna live with me, Mr. Johnson? I don't know Mr. Johnson, I mean you are a very handsome man, Mr. Johnson but I think I'd prefer Mrs. Johnson, Mr. Johnson."
"Do you feel safe in your home?"
"Yes, except for the times when I accidentally stab myself in the heart so I can watch my soul bleed…..or when I stick my hands on a hot stove or shove my head in the oven."
Mr. Johnson let out an annoyed sigh. Chandler was enjoying himself. He loved when the Child Protective Services people came. He felt it was playtime and he could answer and be sarcastic without getting in trouble.
"Do you feel neglected?"
"I feel neglected by you, Mr. Johnson."
"I wanna ask you about Rick Green?"
"Rick James?" Chandler asked.
"Rick Green."
"Rick James."
"Rick Green. Did your mom date him?"
"Define date."
"Have a relationship."
"Define have a relationship. I'm only ten, Mr. Johnson. I'm an innocent child. I don't understand these things," Chandler said.
He knew how to play these games. He knew what to say and what his role should be. What I hadn't mentioned is that Child Protective Services had been called before and yet he had never been pulled out of the home. It was because he knew. "If I was sarcastic and funny, they'd leave. I didn't want to get taken from my home. It was my home and who knows where they'd put me? So…I kinda figured out if I played it up enough, they wouldn't take me," Chandler explained to me when he told me the story about his meetings with CPS.
"Did Rick Green ever make you feel uncomfortable?" Mr. Johnson asked.
"Rick James makes me uncomfortable. So does Rick Springfield and Rick Dees. So many Ricks and not enough…..johnsons, how are you. Mr. Johnson?"
"Chandler-"
"Oh, you know what….Rick does make me uncomfortable."
"Rick Green?"
"Rick Dees. Can we please discuss Disco Duck. I mean, why was that allowed? Disco Duck makes me uncomfortable. Doesn't it make you uncomfortable, Mr. Johnson?"
"You know, we've been called here before and we just want to make sure you're okay. We want to make sure you feel safe."
"I do. I always wear a helmet when I ride my bike and I never run with scissors and I do feel safe. Hey, Mr. Johnson….if you were to marry someone with the last name, Bush, would it be a bushy johnson?"
"Chandler, have you been offered alcohol or drugs or-"
"Why yes….one time a stranger dressed up as a clown drove up to me in a white van and offered me candy if I helped him find his lost puppy. Should I have said no?"
The Child Protective Services people never stayed and Chandler never answered the questions. He would answer them in his typical Chandler way. I should note that when I told the other five about Chandler's responses to Child Protective Services, Ross, Rachel and Joey said "of course he responded that way," Monica asked, "what is wrong with you?" but Phoebe actually seemed to understand it completely. "Look, what if he had answered truthfully and they decided to take him away….then he'd be a ten-year-old in the foster care system and who knows what would have happened? He had home and he was well fed….and rich." Chandler echoed what Phoebe said, "that's kinda how I learned to protect myself. I didn't want to leave. I knew it wasn't right and I wasn't growing up in the right environment but I didn't want to leave. The unknown scared me too much." So CPS would often leave and Chander would be off the hook and that New Year's Eve, he was celebrating the end of 1979 in the club, sitting next to Alex and in his home.
"Dude, you rock little man," Alex said.
"I do rock."
"I mean, what you said to those CPS losers….how does your mind work?"
"It's a question for the ages."
"Well, happy 1980…..motherfucker."
"Happy 1980….motherfuker," Chandler said. "Hey, can I finally have one?"
Alex pulled out his Altoids tin and pulled out a candy that looked like a little white skull in the dark. His tin was filled with those candies.
"Oh, buddy….your mom doesn't want you to."
"Look at what my mom is doing? I mean, I saved her….and me. Mr. Johnson is not gonna make me leave because I did a good job. It's a celebration. That one looks like it has a happy face. I should have that one because we should be happy," Chandler said, squinting in the dark at the little white circle. He could make out the happy face etched on top. Alex let out a sigh as Chandler practically pleaded with him. He so badly wanted to try the candy and he wasn't sure why Alex was strict with it. He wasn't sure why his mom wouldn't let hm. He looked at his mom who was twirling in the foam. She was wearing a gold bikini top, a mini skirt and had her hands above her head. Her eyes were closed as she was swaying back and forth to the music. Chandler let out a snort. In his mind, he had saved the whole family so he should get candy.
"Alright, kiddo. Here," Alex said, handing him a pill.
"Score," Chandler said.
He looked at the pill in his hand and grabbed the beer off the table. He swallowed it down with the beer and looked at Alex.
"How you feeling?"
"Can I have another?" Chandler asked.
"Just have one."
"Whoa."
Suddenly, he felt light headed. The strobe lights were bright and he suddenly saw squares and circles dancing in the sky. He loved this feeling, whatever he was feeling. He walked towards the bar and grabbed a bottle of Jack Daniels and turned around. He felt light, like he was flying. The music felt even louder.
"I can taste music," Chandler said as he drank from the bottle. He looked over at Alex and gasped, walking towards him, "Alex, you got bugs on your face. You should wash it off. That is gross. You don't come to a party with bugs on your face. This is amazing candy. We should buy more. Can I buy it at Ralphs? Ralphs. Ralph….oh, that's a funny name for a person. Oooo, I wanna puppy."
"Oh, you are so wasted."
"Did we ever figure it out, Alex?" Chandler asked.
"Figured what out?"
"Which video killed the radio star? Why has no one been brought to justice? I must find the video….Alex, get the bugs off your face."
"Okay," Alex said as he wiped his face.
"Oh….oh, no…."
"What?"
"Are they on me?" Chandler asked. "I don't like the bugs."
"The bugs are not on you."
"Goodie….oh….do you think I should fly? You know what, Alex….I have to tell you something."
"What?"
"I'm Batman."
"You're Batman."
"I'm Batman. Bitch. I cuss. Oh, I gotta kill all the bugs….maybe I need to see a movie and then I'll kill all the bugs" Chandler said as he got up and walked over to the bar again and grabbed a bottle of Russo Baltique vodka and a bottle of Macallan Scotch Whiskey and stumbled back to Alex.
"Whoa, that vodka is like a million bucks and that whiskey is like five grand," Alex said.
"I better drink it fast," Chandler said, stumbling out of the room holding both bottles. He began making his way upstairs and walked into his theater. He decided on The Muppet Movie. He turned it on and began watching as he began drinking. The Muppet Movie was glorious.
"I can taste Muppets," Chandler said as he downed some vodka. "I wonder what a Muppet tastes like. Muppets taste like chicken. Muppets."
Chandler began to laugh hysterically as he kept trying to finish off both of those bottles. He began narrating the movie, yelling and screaming commentary at the screen.
"I love you Muppets," Chandler yelled. "I wanna marry a Muppet and have Muppet children. How about you Mr. Johnson. Mrs. Johnson went away. I should call Mr. Johnson. Mr. Johnson. Yes, I do feel safe Mr. Johnson. It's all smooth. I wanna go play tennis. I should go play tennis. Okay, Muppets….you hurry up. We'll play tennis."
Chandler grabbed the bottles and walked out of the theater and marched upstairs to his room. He found his tennis racquet and a bunch of balls and marched back downstairs and outside. It was freezing with snow still on the ground and he was in jeans, tennis shoes and shirt, severely underdressed for 10 degree weather. He kept drinking from both bottles and walked towards the tennis courts. He began to play or at least tried. The court was covered with snow so the balls sunk into the snow. One ball after the other, sunk into the ice.
"Oh, well that's a pity."
Chandler threw his racquet down, grabbed the bottles and began to twirl in the snow. He began shaking the bottles upward so the vodka and whiskey began shooting out of their respective bottles. He found this hilarious as the alcohol splashed on him, covering his entire body. He gasped and stopped as he realized he had spilled out a lot booze.
"Oh no...it's on the ground. Oh, poor booze," Chandler said as he knelt down into the ice and began to stick snow into his mouth. "Oh, ice is cold...oh, oh...look, oh, there's a star in my ice. That's so neat. Where are the muppets? They would love this. I should go find the Muppets."
Chandler marched back to the house, unaware that most of the alcohol was spilling out of the bottles with each march. He soon returned to the theater where he watched The Rose with Bette Midler and sang to all the songs. Loudly. He danced around the theater with the vodka and whiskey, continuing to shake the bottles upward, getting alcohol all over the floors of the theater and getting it all over him as well. He began singing to the songs until he got dizzy and decided on another movie. Star Trek. He kept watching until the bottles were empty from him either drinking or spilling it on the ground or on himself. He soon did pass out in a pool of vodka and whiskey, having decided he no longer wanted any so he dumped the remainder of it on the floor of the theater.
He wasn't sure the exact time when he woke up but he felt sick. He needed to throw up and he couldn't throw up in his theater. He raced outside, kept running towards a tree and began throwing up. He knelt down, brushed the snow away as he kept throwing up. He couldn't move, he couldn't make it back to the house as he crumpled to the ground. He tried to catch his breath, he felt sick as he just kept throwing up. He curled up in a fetal position and began crying. He had never felt this sick. He was sweating and shivering at the same time and could not stop vomiting. His heart racing as he looked up at the sky.
"I don't wanna die. Please don't let me die...okay, Mr. Johnson," Chandler cried. "I'll tell the truth next time. Please."
Chandler closed his eyes as the vomiting did not stop and he lay there, not moving. Tears rushing down his face. He wasn't sure what had happened, but it wasn't good.
Nora woke up the next morning, with Alex beside her. She had been dancing and drinking all night and felt hungover. She had not noticed Chandler but she felt she should try to find him. She walked into his room but he wasn't there and when she checked the theater, he wasn't there either. She was a little confused and her heart started to race a little. She kept running down the halls of the house, her head pounding. He wasn't in the club, he didn't seem to be anywhere as she ran back upstairs and shook Alex awake.
"Chandler's missing," Nora said.
"What?"
"He's missing….where did he go? Where-"
"Oh, he was wasted last night," Alex said, stretching across the bed, grinning.
"He just drank right…" Nora said.
"Well, don't be mad."
"What?" Nora asked.
"He wanted some of my stuff. Kid wanted to celebrate."
"Are-are you joking? Where is he? Alex...he took your-"
"It was one pill."
"We just got away from CPS."
"Yeah, thanks to the kid," Alex said.
"Oh my G-d," Nora started hyperventilating. She could just imagine Chandler lying somewhere. "I can't find-I don't-I don't want him dead. If he's dead. I can't...what is wrong-I told him-why did you give a ten year old LSD?"
"Celebrating."
"They're really gonna take him away," Nora was sobbing as Alex got up and gently squeezed her shoulder. "I don't...he can't be dead. I'll go to prison."
"Oh, if they haven't thrown you in jail by now…." Alex said, joking.
"Fuck you. This is serious. Oh my G-d. I want you out of my house. You can't be here anymore."
"Nora?" Sophie asked, standing in the doorway. "I'm sorry, good morning. Where is Chandler?"
"I don't know," Nora said.
"You don't know?" Sophie asked.
"Look, it's a beautiful day. The snow is melting and let's just-" Alex began.
"If he's asleep in the snow," Nora said. "I should go look for him. I can't move."
She didn't understand why Alex seemed to not care. Maybe it was because Chandler wasn't his kid. Nora couldn't tell Charles this, Charles would take Chandler away. She refused to lose Chandler. It was the only person she had left.
"Let's get some breakfast," Alex said. "There's barely any snow on the ground. He's probably asleep."
"Look, Nora….I need to leave in a few hours because I'm working with the other family I work with on Long Island. They have a New Year's Day party and I-"
"Yes, Sophie but can you wait until Chandler comes in?" Nora asked.
"I can. I'll just let them know and...um, you know, is it okay with you if I bring Chandler with me? There will be a lot of kids there his age and….the family I work for has a daughter that's a year younger than Chandler. He might enjoy it."
"Okay…..yes, do that. I'll go to breakfast and then you're moving out," Nora said.
"Alright," Alex said, kissing her.
"Why are you not making a big deal?" Nora asked. "This is a big deal."
"It wasn't that strong. He's probably more drunk than high," Alex said. "And if CPS comes back, we just sit the kid down and he makes magic."
"I can't lose my child. I've lost my husband, I've lost...I can't lose my child," Nora said "and I can't..."
"I'll look for him," Sophie said.
Nora now tried to explain her actions although she wasn't sure how. She was terrified although she's pretty sure that was no excuse. She was terrified that she had gone too far and she thought maybe leaving, Chandler would be back and would be okay. "I honestly don't know what I was thinking," Nora said, tears filling her eyes and she tells this story now. "It was a low point. Maybe rock bottom. I didn't want to find him dead. I figured he was on our property and he was okay. I didn't….I couldn't fathom him not being okay. I'll probably get a lot of hate….hopefully, no investigations but I was so scared. I knew I was just making one bad choice after the other but…..I could imagine this child and….it was...I ran. I wish I had done so many things differently." At the time, she needed to get away, to clear her head. As they left the house and walked towards the car, she did see him. He was on the ground. He had managed to fall asleep on a patch of ground where there was no snow. She kept watching his foot as she sat in the passenger's seat of the car. She kept watching, willing it to move. Her breath caught in her throat when she noticed him move just so slightly.
Alex drove off as Nora continued to cry. She knew she was going too far but she couldn't stop. She almost wished Chandler had been taken from her sometimes, she just didn't feel she deserved him. "I didn't deserve him as a son. I didn't and there are times where I wished he hadn't smart-assed his way out of meetings with Child Protective Services. It would have been better. I screwed him up and I am so sorry." Chandler looked choked up when I told him all that his mom said. "There's not a chance I would have wanted another home and you know what, it's taken me a long time but my parents are pretty badass. I kinda like how they stuck to their true selves….regardless of how inappropriate their true selves are to children and also most adults. I'm fine now and they shouldn't feel guilty. No, it wasn't the best….but it was never boring. I have stories to fill a million books. It was interesting," Chandler said. He did say it took him years to get to the point he is at now but he wouldn't trade it.
Chandler's head was pounding as he woke up to someone shaking him awake. He opened his eyes and squinted at the bright sunlight. He felt so disoriented and felt horrible. His muscles ached as he peered into the face of Sophie who was kneeled down next to him, holding a blanket.
"Oh, sweetie….are you okay? Wake up," Sophie said.
"I'm okay, I feel so sick," Chandler said.
"Stay away from, Alex. You hear me," Sophie said, cupping Chandler's chin in her hand.
"What...what happened?"
"Not good. We need to take you to a doctor. We need to tell them what happened-"
"No. No...then they'll have to tell people and then they'll take me away, won't they?" Chandler asked.
He had just talked his way out of being taken by CPS. He was pretty sure if he went to a doctor, there would be no way he could talk himself out of this one. He just did not want to leave, for as chaotic as his life was, he did not want to get taken away.
"Probably. Alright...you're okay?" Sophie asked.
"Yeah."
"No brain damage?" Sophie asked.
"Well, I did lose my mind...but that was years ago."
Sophie let out a snort and shook her head. "Smart ass. Okay, come...I'll make you breakfast," Sophie said as she pulled him up and covered him with a blanket. She led him towards the house and into the kitchen and began preparing breakfast.
"Where's mom?" Chandler asked.
"She...she went out for the day."
"Is she looking for me?" Chandler asked, a little bit of hope still in his voice, although, by the look in Sophie's eyes, he knew the answer. "She's not." His heart sank at that revelation. He wasn't sure why it upset him though.
"Of course she is. Look, you're coming with me today. I have a party to cater on Long Island-"
"No more parties. It's okay. I wanna watch Charlie Chaplin...or maybe The Jazz Singer...or Star Wars. I wanna watch that again."
"No, no more movies. This is a good party. There will be kids your age for you to play with. You need to play with them. No, no more movies."
"Okay," Chandler said, smiling.
"You need to be around kids your own age."
"It's fine. I….I feel sick."
"Stay away from Alex," Sophie said.
"What did he give me?"
"I don't...I'm not talking about it...no place for a child, this house. No place. When you are old enough, get out of this place. You...you have a lot more to offer. You're kind and sweet and-"
"And I'm funny. John Belushi funny?" Chandler asked.
"Funnier," Sophie said.
Chandler grinned, although his head was still killing him. Sophie placed a plate of bacon, eggs and waffles in front of him. Chandler felt nauseous looking at the food but Sophie kept telling him to eat up so he did. As he ate and sobered up, a thought began to enter his mind. His mom was out for the day. Had his mom even gone looking for him? Had Alex? Did his mom wonder if he was dead or alive? It scared him to think that no one knew whether he was dead or alive or even worse...no one cared. He kept trying to recall anything from last night, but he couldn't.
The annual New Year's Day party at the Green's house was a fancy affair. Tensions were still high between Ross and Monica. Monica still furious with him for getting her in trouble although, part of her wondered if her parents had realized that maybe Monica had been telling the truth because a few days after the Easy Bake Fire, she got a new Easy Bake Oven. Her parents never apologized, never said a word so she was still angry. Ross was angry as well. He still did not think he should have gotten in trouble. It wasn't his fault. Monica broke his nose. When they reached the front door of the Green home, Jack turned and looked at Monica and Ross.
"You two need to get along and behave yourselves," Jack said.
"Do not embarrass us," Judy said.
"Hopefully, Monica won't try to burn down the house," Ross said.
"You put the bulbs in, not me...admit it," Monica whined.
"Kids, enough and you got a new Easy Bake, so we do not need to discuss it anymore" Jack said. He didn't want to discuss it, still feeling rather guilty. He hated punishing either child and he hated thinking he was harming either one. As he knocked on the door. Sandra Green opened the door with a big grin.
"Gellers," Sandra smiled as she ushered them in. She gave Judy a hug as she looked at Ross and Monica. "Rachel, Amy and Jill are in the playroom. Jack, the men are in the living room and Judy, will you help me in the kitchen. Sophie is catering. She should be here soon. Apparently, something came up with the other family she works for. I don't know, she'll be here soon."
"That's a shame. I hope everything is okay," Judy said.
"She said it was," Sandra said as she grabbed Judy's arm and pulled her towards the kitchen. Ross and Monica walked towards the playroom, not speaking to each other. When they walked in, Rachel noticed immediately and ran towards them.
"Monica," Rachel said.
"Hey, Rachel, how are you?" Ross asked.
"I'm fine," Rachel said.
"That's a pretty dress you're wearing...it...it makes you look pretty," Ross said. Monica and Rachel both stared at him, confused.
"You're a weirdo. Will is over there playing with dolls," Rachel said pointing to Will, playing.
"Dinosaurs, not dolls," Will yelled.
Ross walked towards Will and plopped himself down. He let out a huff as Will held up two dinosaurs and making them kiss. Ross glared at him.
"Oh, Two-Face, your dress is so pretty. Rachel is Two-Face, right? And you are Science Boy," Will said.
"Shush, no...She's….she…"
"Two-Face and Science Boy sittin' in a tree-"
"I'm gonna punch you," Ross said.
Will laughed as Ross rolled his eyes. Will was wrong, he didn't like Rachel or at least at the time, he did not think so. "I just could not speak to her. Yeah, I probably did have a crush on her but….I could not talk to her," Ross said. At the time, she was still Two-Face. While Will and Ross played, Rachel grabbed Monica's arm and pulled her over towards a toy box and pulled out two Barbies, handing one to Monica.
While Will and Ross played, Rachel grabbed Monica's arm and pulled her over towards a toy box and pulled out two Barbies, handing one to Monica.
"We have to get them ready for prom. My doll is Lindsey, she's a Rock Star and she's the Homecoming queen. You're Donna. Donna is going on a diet so that she can go to prom and she's Lindsey's best friend and Lindsey will help her diet," Rachel explained.
"Okay," Monica said. "But why does she need to be on a diet? Donna looks pretty."
"Monica, I make up the rules. Not you."
"Okay," Monica said.
Rachel continued telling Monica what she was supposed to do. Monica just played along. Rachel was usually in charge of all the games so she just followed. Everytime she tried to voice her opinion, she was shut down so she just stopped. They kept playing until Jill, Rachel's six year old sister, approached them.
"Rachel, Amy said I look like a troll," Jill said.
Rachel let out an annoyed grunt. She rolled her eyes, hating always having to be in the middle of their arguments.
"I will be right back," Rachel said, staring at Monica. She grabbed Jill's hand and stomped off to find Amy who was now twelve. Monica watched as Jill and Rachel approached Amy who was on the couch, flipping through a Tiger Beat. Monica turned back to the Barbies, combing Donna's hair and getting her ready for prom, except in her world, Donna was perfect. No dieting necessary. Donna was dressed in a beautiful peach gown with sparkles. She didn't need to diet, everyone wanted to be near her. She was the center of everyone's world.
