Please read The Bond and T'hy'la before you read this. It will make more sense that way.
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Nyota, I...wish to apologize. I need to tell you that I regret some of what has transpired. But mostly I regret that I did not inform you of the reasons for the changes that took place. For if I had, I might have spared you some pain.
First, however, I believe we must 'clear the air' about what happened that night we chose to bond.
Nyota, my friend, it was not your fault. It was mine.
I made my decision as we helped with the initial building of the New Vulcan colony. It was a time that was easily used to familiarize oneself with the ship's crew and our new captain took full advantage of it.
He knew that the audacity he had shown while we battled the Narada had scared some of the crew members, and gave rise to caution in others, particularly myself. So he sought to put us at ease, mainly by standing back and letting each of us show our skills. With the pressure of the battle finally gone, everyone handled themselves with the appropriate decorum and enthusiasm for their work, including Captain Kirk.
Though I knew he was studying personnel files and looking at my notes concerning crew assignments during this time, I was still startled when he mentioned your name.
'I don't want you to take this the wrong way, Spock. I have no desire to interfere with your relationships with the crew, but I need to know something.' Jim looked at me with a patience I was only beginning to realize was a part of his character. It was a part he had kept well-hidden up to this point.
I nodded, beckoning for him to continue.
The captain took a deep breath, then asked, 'How serious are you and Lieutenant Uhura?'
As he saw my eyebrow rise quickly, he waved his hands to ward off my anger. 'I'm asking as your captain here, because I just had an interesting discussion with somebody about Vulcan mating practices.'
'What did this person tell you?' I asked curiouslu. Very few Vulcans spoke about our courtships. That led me to speculate that he may have spoken to one particular Vulcan.
However, the captain did not reveal the person's identity. He instead gave me proof that he could be a very competent leader. 'Only that to marry, you would need to have a mental bond with her. I figured I'd need to know if you did bond with Nyota, in case either of you are compromised on a mission.'
'That is logical,' I acknowledged. 'Although it is not typical for a Vulcan to divulge the state of one's relationship with another, I will say this: I am not bonded to Lieutenant Uhura as of yet, but I intend to ask for her permission in the near future.'
The captain smiled and slapped me on the back, in that rather odd way humans show affection. 'Well, then, congratulations. I know she'll say yes. Who would turn you down?'
'We may not be compatible...' I do not know why I felt the need to give him more information, but I stopped myself after those few words. It was impolite and unnecessary, or so I believed at the time.
'You looked pretty compatible in all the corners I caught you two kissing in.' The captain laughed. 'I'll be expecting an invitation to the wedding, ok?' He then moved away and waved to Mr. Scott before I could say anything more.
That conversation is what prompted me to accelerate the timetable I had set forth for our relationship. The day before the Enterprise's relief ship was to arrive at New Vulcan, I made my decision. I would ask to bond with you that day.
I do not want to cause you pain with my remembrances, but I believe I owe you my point of view on the events that took place that afternoon. It may help you understand my actions later.
I thought it best to wait until the afternoon construction shift was completed, as you were helping my father set up the communications equipment in the meeting hall. I waited in the front hall for you. I was glad that you were one of the last to leave, as it gave me a chance to speak with you without an audience.
I found myself more nervous than I had been facing the heads of the Vulcan Science Academy, but I was able to compose myself by the time you approached me.
'Lietenant, I would like to speak with you.'
Your demeanor was appropriately professional when you replied, 'Yes, sir.'
However, I am afraid mine was not when I asked you to join me in my quarters. I was unusually worried about the possible outcomes of our discussion.
Your face showed signs of startlement, then a nod. Your expression led me to the realization that you had not adjusted to the public knowledge of our relationship any more than I had.
So I attempted to calm you by telling you of the progress at the outskirts of the colony, where I had been helping with the power relays. I believe I was successful, as you seemed more composed when we entered my quarters in Sarek's dwelling.
As you told me once before that 'small talk' was not necessary between us, I immediately attempted to phrase my request in an appropriate way.
'Nyota, I would like...' I sighed and started again, as the sentence I had in my head seemed too Vulcan. I wanted to afford you the comfort of familiarity, of Earth. So I took your hands in mine. 'Will you bond with me?'
You were at a loss for words for a moment. I understood your surprise at my request. We had spoken of bonding before, but as something that we would do at a later time, after we had both had become adjusted to our crew assignments.
Rather than giving me a direct reply, I was surprised to hear you question my decision. 'Why now, Spock?'
'It is appropriate. We have both began our adjustment to our positions. And because our crew is completely new, we will be allowed relatively easy missions for some time. I expect we will be bringing supplies here for a few months. We will then have further time to adjust to the bond.'
Your smile encouraged me, as did your reply. 'Tell me what this involves, then.'
I watched your face as I explained the ritual steps of the bond: first, the preliminary joining, which will plant the seed of the bond and make sure of compatibility; then, the family rituals, exchanges of favors by the families as signs of acceptance of the bond; then the Kal-i-fee, the calling of the bonded mates in the time of pon farr.
My assurances that we could complete the bond before my first pon farr seemed to ease your mind. I fear that part of the Vulcan mating cycle is frightening for non-Vulcans, especially humans, for we possess a strength that could kill easily if not controlled. With the bond completed before pon farr, I could see no danger to you. You could retain enough control to keep me from harming you.
Then you questioned me on my first bonding, for I had told you earlier that Vulcans receive their preliminary bond as children to help control the dangers of pon farr. I do not like remembering T'Pring or the insult her family gave to mine. But I knew you were entitled to know.
I did not expect your anger at the rejection of the bond by T'Pring's father. The bond had barely been completed when it was ripped away from us by the Elder watching over the proceedings. S'rev had found the bond weak and blamed it on my human genes. Mother was outraged, but I remember Sarek being resigned. He had predicted this difficulty to Mother earlier that day.
Your outrage reminded me of Mother's. In a way, I found it comforting. You both regarded me well enough to grant me your protection. I attempted to show my appreciation to you, but I fear I failed. Your response to my bow confused me. Why should you have to lock yourself away before seeing S'rev in the streets of New Shikahr?
You would give him a 'piece of your mind' if you saw him? That is very similar to what...No, I shall save that for its proper place. You are entitled to a complete understanding, and that is best achieved by keeping to the correct chronology.
I found our discussion of mating rituals enlightening, as it gave me a human's view that was not my mother's. She was quite willing to immerse herself in the Vulcan way of life. It did not occur to me that I would have to conform to Earth rituals as well.
But we were of like enough mind that we agreed to adhere mainly to Vulcan ritual and observe those of your own that you deemed most important: getting your family's approval and the ritual exchange of gifts between myself and your family. It was most logical to appease your parents and siblings because we would need their support in such a marriage.
I believed after this discussion was an adequate time to start the preliminary bond. I was honored when you agreed. So I moved us to the lounge chair a generous Earth supplier had donated to the colony. I knew if the body was comfortable, the meld would feel less intrusive.
Something did not feel right when I placed my fingers on the meld points of your face, but I attributed that to the nervousness I could see in you, so I proceeded. I should have stopped when I felt the wrongness. For after the first opening of your mind to me, the meld almost became destructive.
It was my mind that resisted, not yours. When I tried to lay the foundation for the bond between us, it was as if there was a barrier between my mind and that foundation. It was as if my mind cut off that part of itself that the bond would be attached to.
I should have recognized the signs of incompatibility that the Elders had warned me about, but my focus would not allow me to. I wanted us to be joined. But it was not to be.
I began causing you pain with my repeated attempts at anchoring the bond to our minds. I did not realize the damage I was causing until you cried out. It shocked me so much that I immediately ended the meld and moved back.
'Nyota...I must apologize. I did not expect this difficulty.' I picked up my tricorder to scan you for I was concerned that I might need to find a healer for you.
But you stopped my scans. 'I think I'll be fine. I just need a few minutes. What happened?'
'The preliminary bond will not form. It seems we are incompatible.' I bowed my head in regret.
'Oh.' I could see your sadness. It strengthened my sense of regret, but I could see no way past this difficulty.
'I am sorry, Nyota.' I took your hands in mine. Your touch suddenly was not as soothing as it was earlier. This puzzled me, but I held back my observation. It would not help you through this.
'So that's it, then?' you asked.
I shook my head. 'I will ask the Elders for advice. Perhaps my hybrid status makes bonding difficult.'
You held up your hands in negation. 'Something isn't right. Even I can feel it.'
'Please, Nyota. I must. Let me speak to the Elders.'
'Ok. Ok, go then. I'll...check on how Sulu's doing with the defense perimeter.' Your face reflected frustration. Frustration with me? I didn't understand why that would be so.
I did not think of that. I am sorry. Yes, Mother would have attempted to comfort me in such a situation. I should have made the allowance for you.
When we parted ways, I was determined to find a way to bond us, so I hurried to the Hall of Elders. On the way there, I crossed paths with the captain.
'Hey, Spock. Where are you going in such a hurry?' He smiled at me, trying once again to be 'friendly'.
'To the Hall of Elders. I must speak with them about a personal difficulty.' I backed away from the captain, as I did not want to be distracted from my task.
But to get to wherever he was going, he needed to walk past me. He took advantage of his stride to pat me on the shoulder as he walked past me. 'Good luck. I hope it's nothing serious.'
That was a pivotal moment for me, as simple as it was. For at his touch, I felt the first stirrings of pon farr within me.
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end part 1
