AN: After the series finale and the Christmas special I decided to write a story about how the Doctor and Clara might meet again. It is a five-part story (excluding this prologue) and will include the twelfth doctor and Clara along with River, Missy, and Ashildr/Me. It takes place sometime after The Husbands of River Song with the Doctor and River travelling together. I hope you enjoy it :-)

Disclaimer: I do not own Doctor Who or any of the characters, monsters etc.


Prologue

The Doctor tried not to look at River because he knew that she was hurt. Here they were, discussing her death, and instead of trying to save her, he was telling her that her death couldn't be avoided. She was talking of loopholes and he was telling her that he wouldn't even try.

How to explain it to her? Because of course he wanted to save her, of course he didn't want her to die. But he had learnt his lesson and it had cost him dearly. He was known for making stupid mistakes, but he wouldn't make them twice.

She accepted it when she found out that they would have 24 years to spend together. She was right when she said that happy ever after didn't have to be forever. But she was also right when she said that that wasn't the sort of thing that he could understand. People seemed to forget that he was the one who had to go on alone. He was the one left behind, trying to find a new happy ever after while mourning the loss of the last one.

Instead of discussing the future with her, he focused on the present. He tried to content himself with the fact that every Christmas was last Christmas. He couldn't exactly remember when he had started using the expression, but it seemed fitting.

And they were happy together. They were happy for a long time even though they knew what waited ahead and even though River had to live with the fact that he wasn't going to do anything about it. They never discussed it. It was sort of like an unspoken agreement. Instead they danced, and they laughed and talked, and they went on adventures together, lots and lots of adventures.

Almost ten years had passed before River once again breached the subject.

"What made you change your mind?" she asked him. They were sitting together on the balcony. The sun was long gone, and the starts were out. "The man I knew, that is, the man you were, he would have never given up. He would have tried to save me."

The Doctor was just about to open his mouth, when she hurriedly interrupted him, "Don't get me wrong, I'm not blaming you. I do understand, of course I do. It's the rational thing to do, not to interfere; I'm simply wondering what changed. What made you like this?"

The Doctor ignored her gaze and focused on the stars instead. She deserved an explanation. She had deserved one ten years ago, but he couldn't bring himself to give her one, not then. How could he give her one, when everything was so confusing, so disjointed in his memory? He didn't remember the details. He didn't remember why he didn't remember. He thought that at some point he did remember, but everything concerning her always were a bit weird. He had gathered together all the knowledge he could recreate by the hole she had left, but sometimes everything became incoherent again. The knowledge that at one point he had travelled with her was permanently imprinted upon his mind, but as years went by, he forgot why he had stopped travelling with her at all. With time the memories of the departing had became more and more distorted.

"Not what…" The Doctor said at last, "The question is who."

"Of course," River nodded with a little smile playing around her lips. She should have expected it to be a someone, "I asked you not to travel alone."

"And I didn't." The Doctor paused for a bit hereafter, "Her name was Clara."

"Clara," River repeated the word slowly, "She sounds special."

"She was. She became my best friend."

"Was," River looked sympathetically at her husband, "She's dead?" Suddenly everything was starting to make more sense.

For the first time during the entire conversation, the Doctor turned towards River, looked her in the eyes, and answered as honestly as he possibly could: "I have absolutely no idea."

River didn't say anything, so the Doctor continued, slowly, but surely, "I don't know where she is, because I don't remember how we parted ways. I don't even remember her, not really. I know her name was Clara, and I know that she was my best friend. I know that she was very special, but I don't remember any of it. I forgot."

"You… forgot?" River asked astonished, "How?"

At this the Doctor smiled bitterly, before he answered, "I don't remember."

They were silent for a long while. The Doctor was, once again, lost inside his own thoughts, trying to remember anything, anything at all. But every time he thought he caught a glimpse of something, it disappeared. At last it was River who broke the silence. She could see in his eyes, his entire demeanour, that the conversation was painful to him, but she knew him, and she knew that he needed to talk about this.

"I'm sorry," she said, "I had no idea."

"There's no reason to be sorry," the Doctor quickly assured her, "Really. I'm not even sad, not really. I've never mourned her. I think… I think that may be what bothers me the most. We travelled together for such a long time and we did so many things together. I met her when I was one thousand years old, and now I'm well over two. I know she was very dear to me, and I know that if I remembered her, I'd be heartbroken. But I don't and so I am not."

"Have you tried to look for her?"

"Oh… yes," the Doctor smiled another bitter smile, "But it turns out that it's not so easy to find someone when you don't remember anything besides a first name."

After this they were silent once again, but this time the Doctor was the one to break it.

"I want to save you," he told her, "There is nothing I want more than to save you. But I've been down that road before. I've chosen to ignore death and paradoxes and rules, and then, at the end, I smile my smug little smile, as you say, and I content myself with the fact that, even though I've done things I shouldn't, I've gotten what I wanted. And it has worked for me. It has worked for me many times but last time… Last time I learned my lesson. Clara died, you see. She died and I refused to accept it and so I did things… things I shouldn't have done. I saved her."

"But if you saved her…"

"As I told you, I don't know if she is dead or alive." This was another thing, which irritated the Doctor greatly, "I know that I saved her, I don't exactly remember how, but I did save her. It's what happened after that I don't remember. I broke all my own rules and, as a result, I lost not only Clara, but also all of my memories of her."

After this they're quiet again. River doesn't know what to say, but the Doctor doesn't expect her to say anything. He knows that she doesn't expect him to save her, not once in the last ten years has she expected it. Now she knows the reason why she shouldn't.


So, that was the prologue. I hope you liked it :-)