Top Gear Halo
Challenge 1
Jeremy: Hello and welcome. We begin tonight with something we've never had before: a very serious issue. Just what is the best vehicle used by the army today?
Richard: It is actually a very big problem because according to research, one in ten soldiers die on the front line simply because they don't have anything decent to escape with.
James: Yes and now that the Army funds Top Gear, we have been given the task of trying to sort the best from the best in terms of land based military transport. So, to do that, the production team has given us each ten million pounds and told us to buy a second hand vehicle that we think is best for the job…
*
(Sand Trap)
Jeremy: (off screen) This is what I came up with: it is a five year old Warthog with five million miles on the clock and customised interior trim. (On screen) As you would expect, I've done this properly: the Warthog was a favourite amongst the grunts of our great planet and now that we're in more trouble than ever with our galactic neighbours, it's high time to bring this old war horse back into service. As with all great military vehicles, it's got four wheel drive, does about half a mile per gallon and of course, the pierce de resistance (points at the gun turret). Frankly, I've already won this.
Richard: (off screen) I was the second to arrive.
Jeremy: Richard, what the hell have you done?!
Richard: (On screen, getting off the Mongoose) What?
Jeremy: The brief said buy a car, not a quad bike!
Richard: Well I know I'm pointing at technicalities here but when was the last time you've ever seen a Warthog classed as a car?
Jeremy: Well…
Richard: Exactly! I've bought a Mongoose. It's small, nimble and cheap to produce, which is what we need in the Army, something that can outrun anything the enemy might use. And if you dare to make a height joke then I'm gonna shove this gun right up your nose.
Jeremy: (walks around it) Actually I was gonna make a joke about something else. Where's your weapon?
Richard: You what?
Jeremy: Your weapon, I don't see one.
Richard: Well, it is quite small…Jeremy: No, it's not small, it's just isn't there.
Richard: But that's not really important, is it…?
Jeremy: What'd you mean it's not important?! How can you have a military vehicle without some form of armament? You might as well as drive a bus into the battle other wise. (Off screen) As means of revenge, however, Hammond soon turned to my Warthog.
Richard: So this is supposed to be the successor to the Humvee, is it?
Jeremy: Of course it is! It's got ten times the horsepower and the armour is ten times as thick…
Richard: It doesn't have any doors.
Jeremy: So?
Richard: So all the enemy would have to do is jump onto the side, knock you out and then you're mince meat.
Jeremy: Ah, but that's where my rather manly weapon comes in. You see that gun, 360 degrees of protection that offers, whereas yours have nothing. (Off screen) Whilst we were arguing, however, James showed up and for the second time in my life, I was speechless.
James: (arrives in a Brute Chopper) Good morning.
Jeremy: James, where the hell did you get this?
James: From a little old lady who lived in Guildford, why?
Jeremy: Are you absolutely sure that you didn't just pop round to your mates over at Covenant central so that you can get something for the film today?
James: Look I realise that it's not entirely Earth built…
Richard: Oh is it not? That looks suspiciously like something you would expect to see pulling out a petrol station in London.
James: Like it or not, the UNSC is capturing more and more of these things on the battle field and I happen to think that they're rather good alternatives…
Jeremy: Why don't you just admit that you couldn't find anything Earth based and had to look elsewhere?
Richard: And you know how you just mocked me for not buying a car…?
James: Oh here we go.
Jeremy: James, please tell me you understood the challenge.
James: I knew you were going to bring that up because I did understand it. The challenge was to buy a land based military vehicle, which means it's not necessarily tied down to cars.
Richard: Yeah but this is Top Gear and at least both mine and Jeremy's have four wheels…
James: And yet you two are still going to lose because my ten-ton Brute Chopper is easily one of the toughest vehicles available today and thanks to that, it will eat your pathetic little scooter and your pathetic little Chelsea Tractor.
(They all argue)
Richard: (off screen) We spent ages trying to use our traditional means of settling down an argument. But unfortunately, our new bosses told us to get on with the challenge.
Jeremy: Ok, here's challenge 1. (Radio chatter) Ok… it says here that "A good military vehicle should be fast enough to get the troops away from dangerous areas so we will begin with something of which you should be familiar with: a quarter mile drag race, who's got the fastest vehicle?"
James: Don't you gloat, Hammond.
Richard: What? You should've anticipated that, shouldn't you?
(At the starting line)
Jeremy: Ok, I think I'm gonna pretend to set this on Sport mode, pretend to disable the traction control and pretend to activate all sort of interesting gadgets that would help at this moment in time except this thing doesn't have any of them.
James: (off screen) Hammond might have been feeling confident that his tiny Invalid Carriage would win him the challenge, but I had a secret weapon up my sleeve…
Announcer: (off screen) 3, 2, 1, GO!
Richard: And we're off! Plenty of wheel spin and revs!
Jeremy: Come on, Warthog! (Off screen) Hammond's Mongoose might only have a turbo charged engine from a scooter, but thanks to the smallness of both it and its driver, I simply couldn't compete. (On screen) All the armour and the weaponry are causing some very slight problems with the performance but at least I'm doing better than Captain Slow!
James: (Off screen) But the smile was about to be wiped from his face. (On screen) The finishing line is in sight and I think it's time to engage my secret weapon! (Boosts and over takes the Warthog)
Jeremy: What the hell was that?!
James: Bye, mate!
Jeremy: That cheating £$%^!
Richard: (off screen) Secret weapon or not, though, my Mongoose still bagged me an early victory. (On screen) Crossing the line! Proof, ladies and gentlemen, that size does matter, but not in the way you'd expect.
James: (Off screen) Thanks to my boost, I came second with Jeremy trailing third, which seemed to annoy him slightly…
Jeremy: (looming over James with the Warthog)
James: What?!
Jeremy: You do that one more time and I'm running you over!
James: No, come on, it was a decent, strategically timed usage of a standard feature built into the vehicle…
Jeremy: And it would also be a decent strategically timed usage of a standard feature built into the vehicle when I shoot you in the face with my turret!
Richard: (off screen) Whilst Jeremy was threatening to kill James in various imaginative ways, I received our next challenge.
