The leaves swayed above Sasuke, a gentle rhythm trying to coax him into a slumber. The clouds in the sky moved without hurry. Why should they? They've got nowhere to go, no one to disappoint.
Sasuke closed his eyes, evened his breathing, and completely detached himself. To be one with nature was to be calm, to be placid. And he wanted nothing more than to relax. All he wanted was to still his thoughts. He didn't want to feel anything.
It was undeniable that he still had blood on his hands. The blood of his brother. It had dried, leaving behind a simple stain, a reminder of what he had done. Of the mistakes he had made. The whole… avenging process meant nothing, now. He was still chaotic inside, thoughts in turmoil.
Nothing felt all right anymore. It was like the wall that had held him sane had taken damage, Itachi's death whittling it away like it was nothing.
Vulnerable. That's what he felt. Like a little kid that had no knowledge of the outside world. No idea of the cruelty within.
The stirring in his stomach made him nauseous, to the point of puking. The calm reverie died, punctured by retching. Even when his stomach was vacant, his body didn't give up. It kept him heaving, trying to get rid of his sins. Blood came up, but nothing worse. Nothing as bad as what he had done.
Itachi's lifeless body was still imprinted on his mind. Those laughing eyes. That knowing smile. Even in his death he was infuriating. Taunting him, even when it was Sasuke that struck the last blow. 'You'll never forget me,' the pale corpse seemed to jeer.
The tingling started on his scalp, running down his body until his toes. Shock? Was this shock? No, that couldn't be it. No, no, no…
Shaky legs tried to support him. But all the energy he had left he wasted, purging his body of the nothing. The nothing that he was.
He wanted to feel nothing but triumph. But victory. But the anticipation of greater things to achieve. But yet, all that was racing through his gut was guilt. Fear. A crackling sadness that made him want to lay down and mourn for his brother.
But weeping wouldn't help. No, he knew that Itachi was dead. Dead, finally. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice… Jokes on you, brother.
A humourless chuckle worked its way past his lips. This was horrible. Rain had started to fall from the clouds that were before without a thought, as if to match his mood. At least Taka wasn't here. That was the last thing he needed, people seeing him in his weakest moments. But… where did he send them…? Away, he knew, but where…? He couldn't remember anything that happened before the battle. Before the wrenching pain that was nowhere but everywhere at once.
His eyes clenched shut, not wanting to see the world that had betrayed him. Betrayed him into thinking that Itachi's death was what he wanted. Nothing before had made him feel so horrible. So alone. It was worse than when his parents screamed at him to stay away, to not witness their murder. At least he had some twisted form of comfort knowing that Itachi was still alive.
But all there all was now was the emptiness. It was frightening, knowing that he had just killed the last person in his family. He was dead, too. Nothing to live for. His whole world focused on killing his brother, but now his world was crumbling. Falling apart at the seams, and he was too lost to fix it.
The rock he was leaning on started to crack, giving away under pressurized chakra. Chakra Sasuke should have realized he was projecting. Damn. How could he have not noticed?
He could feel the deadly crackle of his chakra nature fizzle. He closed a fist over it, halting it completely. Nobody needed to know where he was, how he was right now. They all wanted him dead. But he was already dead.
His dangerous eyes could not see anything. The earth beneath him had no texture. Rain blocked out every smell. The world around him was silent. The only taste he had was of blood. Oh, the blood.
It crinkled on his fist, flaking off to drift onto the trodden Earth. A few awry raindrops decorated his hand. They greeted the desiccated fluid then stole it away.
Maybe the rain could wash the sorrow from his skin. Maybe it could make him whole again. Maybe the coolness could replace the bitterness and erase what he had done wrong.
He yelled, he cried, he pleaded with the rain that fell around him. But the rain paid him no mind, above mortal problems. It ignored him, making him suffer with what he had done. Sasuke turned his face skywards, offering himself to the elements. His tears hid within the rivers of rain running down his face, a game of hide and seek he had no intention of winning.
The future evaded his grasp. The present beat him down. The past crushed his soul. He collapsed, his elbows digging into his sides, face pressed against the soaked ground.
Stinging pain was on his back, the rain purifying the painful lacerations. It reminded him that he did, in fact, have wounds. And if he didn't wrap them soon, it was possible that he could die. The thought welcomed him, comforted him as he stared at the blood that pooled around him. Never before had the urge to just give in this desirable.
Yet Sasuke found himself moving. He went into his pack that lay beside the rock and pulled a roll of bandages from a pocket. It was routine to dress himself, having had the occasional scratch or cut from a battle. As a ninja, you learned to do stuff like that.
Of course, there was usually a medic with you, but if they managed to die, it was all on you. Sasuke was on his own for most of his life. Like he will be now, with Itachi dead.
He twisted his head, as if to stop his train of thought before it arrived. He needed a clear head right now.
Sasuke stood up and started off in the direction of Konoha. He felt this insatiable urge to go back to the familiar village where nothing was wrong.
The rain sang around him, occasional lightning and thunder throwing it off-key.
Naruto… Yes, Sasuke was positive that the blond nin could fix him. Fix his mistakes. Since he was so hell-bent on bringing Sasuke back, he could have Sasuke on the whole. He didn't want himself anyway.
"Just make this ache go away," he pleaded to no one, "Just make my memories nothing. I'll give you my pain in exchange for your peace."
The thunder roared its laughter at him. The lightning cackled between flashes. Why should they help him? He was nothing. Worthless.
When the boulders around him replaced with trees, it gave him comfort that he was almost in Konoha. Home…
He didn't bother to hide his chakra, indifferent to the possibility of someone sensing him. All he needed was to get to Naruto.
The gate guards were asleep, the rain allowing them a false sense of security. Like no one would be stupid enough to be out when it was pouring. How wrong they were. Sasuke was stupid enough.
Everyone was inside, it seemed. The civilians that usually dotted the streets disappeared. A few odd children were outside, splashing in the puddles. The village seemed more… different than Sasuke remembered. Everything was the same, but it felt as if… nobody was holding their breath anymore. Like they were relaxed, assured.
Sasuke never really went into Naruto's apartment before, but he was usually sent there when the idiot slept in. The village was quiet, because everyone was avoiding the rain. Strange. When he stayed a year in Suna, the villagers were out during a rainstorm. Water there wasn't taken for granted; they realized how precious the liquid was. They never let it go to waste.
The rain was something the Leaf tended to ignore, among other things. But Sasuke wasn't here to complain. He was here to see Naruto. He turned down the street he had walked many times during his childhood. The idiot's door was open, but no one answered his feeble call.
Hm. Maybe he was asleep.
He turned down a hallway, not bothering to take his shoes off or shut the door. The place was a mess anyway.
The hallway had a few doors along the sides, but Sasuke found that they were just storage closets. And a bathroom. The dobe only had one bedroom, it looked like. Damn. Where was he going to sleep?
Anxiety raced through his veins. The door was shut, warding off intruders. Sasuke wasn't an intruder, was he?
What was he going to say to Naruto? 'Hello. Sorry I've been gone these past few years but I'm here now?' Yea, right.
He pushed the door open, expecting to see a fluff of blonde hair, but there was no one. No one once again.
Sasuke was tired. So tired. He didn't want to do anything. Naruto was his last hope, but now that hope was gone. He dropped onto the bed, staring at the wall across him.
The wind outside howled. It whipped tree branches against the window, so hard Sasuke thought they would break. Worry was now added to his emotional arsenal. For the blonde idiot. He hoped he was okay.
Sometime during the storm, Sasuke managed to fall asleep. He was comforted by the knowledge that this was Naruto's bed, this was Naruto's house. Even though his friend wasn't there, ghosts of memories flitted through his mind.
As his eyes dragged open, Sasuke stared dazedly across the room. Well. Another day. The weather was cleaned up, if the sunlight streaming through the open window was any clue.
He sighed.
He sat up.
Better turn myself in, to the Hokage.
There was nothing better to do.
A blanket pooled in his lap, disturbed by his movement. He didn't remember taking it, but he must've grabbed the fabric during the night to escape the cold.
Even though it was against his better judgment, Sasuke stood up and trudged to Naruto's dresser. A mirror sat there, its poisonous gleam beckoning him over. What he saw was exactly what he expected.
A broken child, lost, scared, and alone.
He scowled and narrowed his eyes, attempting to recover that sinister aura he used to have. But all he managed was something so pitiful he had to look away.
With the blanket still wrapped around him, Sasuke shuffled out into the main room, intent on leaving for the Hokage's Tower. He needed Naruto, but the idiot still wasn't here… It would do himself some good, though, to finally allow the village take him in. There was nothing else he had to do.
The pressure of Itachi's fingers still lingered on his forehead, a forceful reminder that it was still only the day after. It made Sasuke want to cry, again. And again. And again. It was because even after everything, Itachi was his brother. The one he looked up to when he was younger and… still now.
Brother, he mused, after all this, you're still better than me… You were right; I don't have enough hate…
Sasuke covered his eyes, hiding his tears from the empty house. The house that belonged to his friend that he didn't need seeing him like this. He felt ashamed, like his tears were for nothing. But they weren't. They were for his brother.
For a long time, Sasuke sat there, crying into the hideously orange blanket wrapped around him. For a long time, he allowed himself to reminisce about his childhood. A childhood that was so innocent, so full of love and life that… Sasuke wasn't sure it belonged to him.
He missed his brother. He missed his parents. He missed his family. For this one time in his whole life, he allowed himself a moment. He sobbed like a baby, and he didn't hate himself for it.
It was a long time before he stopped. It was a long while before he tore away from his thoughts, remembering what he had to do.
And if the village didn't want him either, suicide was an option. It was his last resort, given he had nobody to say goodbye to.
"Hey, Sasuke…"
Except a blonde he thought disappeared.
He twisted the blanket tighter over himself, flinching in surprise. He had thought that Naruto wasn't in the village. His senses must be faulty if he didn't notice him coming in.
"How are you feeling?"
Sasuke refused to look, afraid his mind was playing a cruel trick on him. Making him relive his memories before he left.
"Sasuke…?"
He licked his lips and ducked his head, glaring at the floor.
"If you're not going to answer me, can you at least look at me? I want to see how badly you're hurt."
He didn't move.
Naruto sighed, walking in front of him. Tch. The dobe obviously didn't know when people wanted to be left alone. He gently tilted Sasuke's head up.
"Kami-sama… Sasuke, you look horrible!" When Sasuke flinched, Naruto offered an apologetic smile, "Sorry, but it's true…"
As Naruto inspected his face, Sasuke had to close his eyes. The fact that Naruto was here made him sick after all this time away.
"Do you mind?"
"... What?"
"Can I take my blanket back? I want to see how far your injuries go."
"There's no more." Clipped. Short. That's how it's always been.
"That's a lie. Let me see."
He threw the blanket away. It floated in the air, then dived onto the couch. Sasuke shrugged off the top part of his robe and watched Naruto. He wanted to see his reaction.
His friend didn't disappoint. With his hand in front of his mouth, Naruto reached out and ghosted a hand over his wounds.
"That hurts." Sasuke bit.
Naruto flinched as if it was him who was hurt. Crystal eyes locked with obsidian, and he nodded. "Right. Let's go."
"Go where?"
"I'm bringing you to the hospital." As if it was something to be expected of him.
"Why?"
"Even though I'm good, I don't have half the expertise that Sakura-chan does."
"I don't want to see her right now." To be honest, Sasuke didn't want to see anyone right now.
"Great! Tsunade-baa-chan's better anyway. Don't tell her I said that." Naruto grinned.
"I don't want to see her either."
"Sasuke!" he cried, exasperated, "You're going to die! Or get really, really sick! All of those cuts you have? They're swollen and look infected! They look really deep… What if you've got something wrong inside?"
Naruto threw his coat at him and ushered him outside, locking the door behind them. Sasuke slid the orange sweater on and watched as Naruto started walking.
Left, right, left, right. Step, step, step.
"It's too early. What if the hospital's not even open?"
"Tsunade'll make an exception if it's me. Hurry up or I'll carry you."
"Wouldn't want that."
A grunt in response.
The hospital wasn't very fancy. But he guessed they made up for it in medical miracles. Nurses and doctors scuttled around, hurrying to get through the maze of hallways.
"We'll never get a room."
"Always the optimistic. Nurse!"
Someone came over and talked with the blonde, shooting Sasuke worried glances out of the corner of her eye.
Stop that.
"Okay, Sasuke," she flashed a gummy smile, "Come over here. Doctor Haruno is in surgery right now, but I'll see if Lady Tsunade is available."
She ushered them into a room that was secluded, near the back. The bed he sat on was rock hard. Blue eyes bored into black.
"You're going to get better. Don't be difficult. She's harsh, but I trust her."
"Oh. That's comforting." The pillow wasn't as soft as pillows should be either, Sasuke concluded.
A warning glare. The door opened and in stepped the doctor. Hm. He'd thought she'd be more professional. And tall.
"All right." She looked Naruto over, then turned to Sasuke. "Let's see."
"See what?"
"Don't be a smart aleck. Undress, now."
Sasuke looked towards his friend.
"Okay, okay. I'll go."
"Stay."
A strange glance, but nothing worse.
He stepped out of his outfit, save his underwear. Sasuke trusted her because Naruto did, but trust only went so far.
The doctor didn't even flinch.
"I'm going to need you to lie down. Shizune!"
A plain-looking nurse in the doorway and a, "Yes, ma'am?"
The pillow was just as hard as the bed.
"Book an operating room. He needs surgery. You see that swelling? He's bleeding on the inside."
"No need. Just give me a shot for infections and I'll leave." He was already standing up, pulling the robe around his prone form.
"You're getting surgery."
"I don't need to."
"Sasuke! What did I say about being difficult?" Naruto cried, pushing the nin back onto the bed.
"Shizune, the anesthetic."
The needle was frozen. He didn't feel it go in, but the coldness spread within his veins, making itself known. He kept his eyes locked on Naruto. He was staring out the window.
"Naruto."
Blue eyes.
"Are you happy?"
His face was stone still.
"I… Why?"
"You didn't answer the question." He wanted to know. It was only if Naruto was happy the he could be content.
A glare.
"It doesn't matter."
Blue eyes look away.
He felt heavy. An arm reached, reached to his friend, but the plain nurse stopped it with a smile and a, "Don't worry, Sasuke."
Hearing his name on her lips scorched him. "Its Mr. Uchiha to you."
Still. Naruto didn't look at him. His last conscious thought was of how flat Naruto's back was.
Eyes open. White. Pain that isn't. Dry mouth, like cotton.
Am I done?
Quiet.
Quiet.
Quiet.
Blonde shifted on his stomach, muttering something silent.
He fell asleep to the lullaby of quiet.
The next time, there was noise. Voices.
"Is Lady Hokage going to put him away?" A voice that sounded suspiciously like Kakashi's.
"I'm not sure..." Hesitance, "He might have to go through a hearing." That was Naruto.
Silence.
A shuffle, then a sigh.
"He just got back. I don't want him locked up. Look at him! He looks terrible!"
"He underwent surgery, Naruto." Their old academy teacher?
"You know that's not what I meant, Iruka."
Slow footsteps. They pause beside him.
"His… mind. I can't grasp just one emotion anymore…" Naruto again, with that dewy voice. "It's like it's all tangled up in a big mess…"
A cool hand on his forehead. It was trembling.
"I don't… want him to feel like this…"
A drop of water on his face. Then another. And another. Tears.
They ran away when the chilled hand chased them.
"Naruto... Why don't you go on home? It's been four days and honestly, you stink. I'll call you when he wakes up, so don't worry." Kakashi suggested, backed up with an affirmative grunt from Iruka.
No argument. A sniffle, then a watery voice, "Yeah… I'll just have a shower then a little nap then I'll come back… Don't worry, Sasuke." His voice whispered.
Sasuke felt strangely upset.
"I know you're awake, Sasuke."
He flinched.
"What are you doing here?" His old teacher was demanding.
He kept silent, eyes closed.
"You're hurting Naruto."
Eyes open. "I know. How long has it been, Kakashi?"
"The days you slept or the years since you left?"
A pointed look.
"You were asleep four days. The number four."
"Hn."
Silence. It was tense. He used this time to see if everything worked properly.
It didn't.
"What's wrong with me?"
Kakashi acted like there was no one else in the room.
He tried again.
"Why can't I move?"
His teacher looked this time. A masked smile. "You're held with a binding jutsu. It takes your chakra and uses it against you."
A bit of struggling. Defeat. A sigh.
"When can I get out?"
"We're not exactly sure yet. It's Lady Hokage's decision." Kakashi grinned.
Silence.
It was two days before Naruto came back. Sasuke informed him.
"Neheheh… Me and Baa-chan were talking. You can get out in a week! That's the lowest I could get her to go…" Naruto said, smiling weakly. He was looking over Sasuke's shoulder.
That was something to be excited about. His legs and arms were cramping from being held in the same position for a long time.
"Aren't you excited? I am!" Another forced grin that wasn't really directed at him.
"Why are you lying?"
"What? I'm not." Naruto looked puzzled, but Sasuke saw the worry etched on his face.
"You are." What? Naruto thought that all the time spent with him was wasted?
A glare from Kakashi. As if he had any part in this.
"I'm happy for you! Happy that you get to go back to your house, happy that you get your freedom… Happy that you achieved your goal…" Sasuke could tell that there was something wrong. It confused him.
"Dobe. Why are you crying?"
"What? I'm not… I'm not crying, I'm happy…" Crystal tears flowed from blue eyes. Sadness. Anger. Worry. Joy. They were all reflected in the depths of those eyes. Those eyes that hid nothing but held so much.
"Naruto?"
"Yeah? Hold on, I'm not…"
"I'm sorry."
Shock.
" You don't need to cry for me, okay?"
More tears.
"I'm not crying…" he looked away, hastily wiping the fluid from his eyes, "There's just… something in my eye and I can't get it out…"
"Come here, you idiot."
Naruto shuffled over to Sasuke's bed, gingerly sitting down beside him. "It's just… I don't know… When you came back, I was shocked. I stayed down in the living room for the first night because I wasn't ready to see you. And then in the morning, when you sat there and cried…" he shook his head, playing his bottom lip between his teeth, "Baa-chan started flipping out on me after you were out of surgery, getting mad about how I should've came to her first instead of sleeping." Naruto paused, taking a breath. He jumped a little when Sasuke lay a hand overtop of his, smiling lightly. "And yea… I'm just stressed, that's all."
They both looked over to the window when someone coughed.
"Ah. I forgot you were still here." Sasuke muttered.
Kakashi shrugged.
He closed his book, stood up, and walked out. The nurse that was trying to come in was blocked by an innocent smile and a request for a date. Good.
Let them be alone.
"The one thing he's good at," Sasuke murmured, "is making people go away."
A smile from Naruto that he felt.
"Yea…"
He relaxed, head against the wall. Wait. He could move?
"Sasuke..?"
"Hn."
"Welcome home."
He snorted. There was no doubt that it was Naruto, only Naruto, that could save him.
The thought made him smile.
Quit crying, dobe.
I'm not going anywhere.
This story would not have been uploaded without the wonderful feedback from my beta winteralley. It was originally supposed to stop in the middle where Sasuke falls asleep in Naruto's bed, but I couldn't quit writing. Constructive feedback would be appreciated.
