Author: SJAuthor
Rating: All Ages
Summary: Episode tag for Beneath the Surface; songfic, I guess.
Classifications: S/J Romance
Content Warning: None
Season: 4
Pairings: Sam/Jack, but of course
Spoilers for: Emancipation, In the Line of Duty, Divide and Conquer, Beneath the Surface
Archive: SJD yes, please
Disclaimer: I don't own Stargate. I just like it :) All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.
Author's Note: The song is "Hold on to the Night" by Richard Marx. I've removed the lyrics since the original posting, since I've learned about public domain and all that jazz. I hope the story still makes sense! I've also newly broken the story into chapters, so my apologies to those who might have read this before and were expecting a continuation. It's done, now.
Copyright (c) 2006 SJ Author
Chapter 1 - On Paper
It had been a week since SG-1 had returned from that ice cube of a planet - it was winter in Colorado Springs, but no where near an ice age. The team still had another week of downtime to spend trying to re-familiarize themselves with, well, themselves. Sam had finally gotten to the point where she was thinking of herself as "Samantha" again, rather than "Thera."
It had been so strange when they first came back. Everything that had happened on the planet since they'd been stamped was crystal clear to Sam, but the false history beyond that was only reluctantly fading as her real life slowly revealed itself to her mind. Memories would come in spurts, as some phrase, or sight, or just a sound or smell triggered them. The biggest shock had been when she'd first emerged from the Stargate. So much had come back to her upon seeing the 'gate room, but there had still been disturbing blank spots that needed to be filled in. At least now, everything seemed to be back in place.
Sam's largest challenge had been trying to act "normal" around Jack. The foremost thought in her mind whenever she'd seen him was of their last night together as "Jonah" and "Thera." When she tried to conjure up memories of a comfortable working relationship, she only got as far as the Zatarc detector, and their forced confessions. He was just as uncomfortable as she, as far as Sam could tell. They had both behaved as if they were standing ready for inspection whenever they were within close proximity of each other. Their eyes never met as they each initially debriefed Hammond. As Daniel and Teal'c had taken their turns, however, she'd caught Jack's eye as he looked her way, and was nearly overwhelmed at the sadness she read there. He'd glanced back down at his hands as soon as he'd realized she'd seen him, and she'd pretended to be listening with rapt attention to the general and her other teammates.
A few times since then the team had gathered to try and help each other piece things together. Once, they'd all gone over to Jack's house for pizza and movies. Although they'd talked about a lot of things, past missions, friends on and off base (and on and off world), and anything else they could come up with, there was still only one thing on Sam's mind - and it was the one thing she wasn't about to discuss with the group. Jack had looked as though he wanted to keep her back after the other two left for the evening, but before he said anything he seemed to retreat within himself, and wished her a good night. Sam had just nodded sadly and walked out, steeping in her own whirlwind of thoughts as she drove home to try and find some comfort in dreams.
As Sam puttered around her house on day eight, she couldn't help but glance at the phone every time she passed it. Twice that morning she had almost picked it up to call her CO, but chickened out before she even touched it. It was now ten o'clock. She'd watered all of her plants, done all of the dishes and laundry she could find, dusted every room of the house, and even swept the snow from her front walk (there wasn't nearly enough to shovel). Now, she was sitting at the table, resting her chin in her hand, and just staring at the phone debating with herself. "None of this has to leave this room," she heard herself say in her mind. Yeah, right. As if she hadn't been praying with every fiber of her being that he'd say, "forget that!" or words to that effect. It had been a sweet kind of torture before then, working with him day in and day out, knowing a secret that they hadn't even openly shared with themselves, let alone each other. After leaving it in the room, she'd told herself that it wasn't as big a deal as she'd been making it, and that he only thought of her as a very, very close friend. But no longer. She couldn't convince herself that he didn't feel a whole lot more for her than "friends," whether they'd admit it professionally or not - not after that night...
Her thoughts were interrupted by the sound of her screen door opening and closing, followed by the ring of her front doorbell. Trying to remember ordering any packages, she made her way to the front hall. She couldn't see anyone, so she opened the door, and picked up the manila envelope that lay at her feet. Instead of an address, it simply said "Carter," in familiar handwriting. There was no one in sight, and the barely-distinguishable tracks in the light dusting of snow on her walk just joined the jumble of tracks by the curb. Closing the door, she walked into the living room with the package, sitting down on her couch before finding the courage to open it.
Inside was a CD jewel case, with a Post-It note on the front. It read, "just burn it now, if you want it all tucked back in that room." Did she? It would make working together easier... for a while. They were pretty good at pretending; but was that how she wanted to live her life? Was she just obsessing, or did they really have an opportunity to make something of all this? Well, she decided, he'd taken a chance, she might as well take one, too. She opened the case, took out the CD-R, and put it in her stereo. There was another note, a folded sheet of notebook paper, inside the front cover that simply said, "after the CD." She set up the disk to play, and sat back down on the couch, holding the second note in anticipation.
Soon enough, the sweetly sad tones of "Hold on to the Night" began.
She'd heard it before, but never really listened closely. It told of unexpected love-at-first-sight. Of longing for more than a memory of the night. Wondering what do do about feelings that won't quit, despite the rules. Wanting to be honest, wanting to admit that they're perfect for each other... It might as well be their theme song.
The stereo stopped playing once the track was done. Sam sat hunched on her couch, looking down at the unopened note in her hands through tear-filled eyes. She couldn't yet be sure how much of the song he meant for the two of them, but every word seemed to strike a chord within her. She would have stamped her feet in frustration, if she were given to tantrums. As it was, she just hit "play" again, trying to approach the situation as analytically as she knew how. If she could finally pin down her own thoughts and wishes and expectations, then she could straightforwardly compare them to whatever Jack had written in his second note. Sam hit "pause" just before the words began playing, and reached for a notepad and pen lying next to her phone. She then let the CD play, pausing again after every few lines to make a note. After another run-through, she looked at what she'd written:
1. Admitted physical attraction from first introduction. Grown to admiration and infatuation at the least. Really, really tempting to give in.
2. No way I'll ever forget that night. Pure, simple, honest, affection from the core of my being without any outside constraints to make us pretend to be something other than ourselves.
3. A part of me wishes for so much more of it. It would never be as simple as in that world, but being our true selves, it could be so much better - or complicated and harshly realistic.
4. I certainly wasn't expecting or trying for this. It just snuck up on me, as I gradually came to live for the chances I got to be near him, and to miss him every moment he wasn't with me. His phrases come to my mind at the most inopportune times. I think of him any time another woman asks me how "hot" I think one of the guys is. I sneak pieces of pie or cake at chow just to remind myself of him - but never when he can see! I dream of moments I've spent with him, of possibly being with him, of losing him.
5. "Promises in vain." Sounds familiar. "No matter what happens when our memories come back, I promise you we will be together. We have to be." Yeah. The best intentions. . .
6. Okay, so I do love him. But I've managed, for the most part, to disguise it as admiration, friendship, camaraderie. I'm pretty sure I've fooled most people (except maybe Teal'c, Daniel and Janet). I might even have had him convinced, if it hadn't been for that night.
7. What do we do? Pretend like some irresistible forces drawing us together somehow put us above the rules and regulations of our service? No, no sneaking. There are only three options that I can see: A., We forget it, act like there's nothing between us, and move on. B., We remember what we had, but put it behind us for the sake of our professional relationship. . . maybe keeping it locked away until "someday" comes and we're not as busy fighting this war. C., We come right out and face it, throwing ourselves on the general's mercy to help us figure out what to do.
8. Feelings are just feelings. But facts are facts. I might be able to forget how I feel, but the more time I spend with him, the more my whole personality seems to mold itself to him, to drink in every aspect of him. It just seems so natural now, I'm not sure I could stop it even if I tried.
9. "True to everybody else but me," the song had said. I certainly have tried to be the dutiful officer, the good daughter, the dependable, astrophysics miracle worker. But I've followed a lot of my own dreams, too. I didn't have to serve a tour as a pilot before grad school; they were actually begging me to go straight into research out of the Academy. I could have stayed behind a desk instead of fighting for a spot in the field. Unfortunately, the goals I've achieved come with a measure of obligation that's keeping one man from me. I do wish it wasn't so complicated somehow, that I could be free to have it all.
10. Is he the one? It sure seems like it to me, sometimes. Through my past boyfriends, wannabe-boyfriends, fiancé, even, I've always felt that I was being tolerant of someone else's affections because they kept me entertained and I could help them with something they were lacking. But he brings out so much in me that I never knew existed. We seem to compliment each other's strengths and challenge each other's weaknesses. I'm still just guessing at how he really feels, but if he were to confess the same to me, then yes, I'd have to say he's "the someone I've been searching for."
Sam read and re-read her notes. "Wow," she said aloud to herself. She had it bad. She was one hundred percent in love with her commanding officer. She picked up his note, still unread, and held it tightly in her left hand. Setting down the pad and pen, she took a deep breath. This could be it. What he said on this page could break her heart, or make her dreams come true. "A, B, or C," she said, glancing at item #7 as she unfolded the paper.
"Dear Sam,
"You know I've never been good with words. I think that's why we work so well together, because you can almost read my mind and I don't need to say anything. But I need to say this.
"If you're reading this, then I hope there's a chance that you want us to be more than "friends," if that's all we are now. If I'm honest, I've wanted you since I first met you. I started worrying that I loved you after that Abu guy kidnapped you to trade to Turban." Sam chuckled at his re-naming of Turghan, but was surprised at how early on he was admitting he'd had feelings for her. "I was so relieved when we found you, then terrified again when you fought him, but more proud than I could imagine when you beat him. It took me a long time, living in denial, but I finally knew for sure that I loved you when you were taken over by Jolinar. I think Janet's known since then, too, when I couldn't leave your side after the ashrak got to you." He'd said it. He loves her. Wow.
"You've done something to me that no one else ever has. I don't know if I can put my finger on it. Your presence just makes me, well, happy. You care so much for people, and for some reason, for me. You throw yourself so whole-heartedly into whatever you do. You have a smile that shines through your eyes and lights up my soul. Before I met you, I lived life because I didn't have anything more to die for. Daniel and Skaara had helped me get over that. But you, for you I'd cling to life with every ounce of my strength, even if I had every reason to die, just so that I could live to see you again. And I'd give my life without a moment's hesitation, if it meant that you could live.
"If I'd succeeded in hiding behind just 'caring' for you," Sam turned the page over, "then I hope you know how I really feel, now. 'Jonah' was me, in every way I wish I could be for you now. Except in 'Thera' he only had a glimpse into the wonderful person that you are. He couldn't know the depth of your compassion, dedication, strength, or courage, anywhere near as much as I do. I can't make your choices for you, but if there's a chance you want a life with me, then I'll do everything in my power to make it happen. I don't know what or how long it will take, but please don't doubt me. Hold on to what we had together, and believe me that we can be so much more - if you want it.
"'Jonah' promised you that we'd be together no matter what, and I'm holding to that. It's up to you to tell me how. I couldn't ever ask you to just ignore the rules, or throw away your career. If you want me to forget us, and just work together like nothing happened, I'll do it for you. I could never stop loving you, but I'll respect your decision as much as I respect you.
"Like I said, I'm not good with words, and I don't think I've come close to saying everything I meant to say. If you've changed your mind after reading this, then you can still trash it and I'll never mention it again. But if you think we've got anything near a chance, just call my cell. I don't know what to do, but I know you'll figure something out like you always do." Sam looked back at her notepad, and smiled. She had already been trying to do just that. He knew her so well.
"Love,
"Jack"
To be continued...
