Authors note: so for the past three weeks I have been binge watching castle and I have finally finished the 6th season so now I'm patiently waiting for the 7th season to start back up and decided to try to write a story for this fandom… this is just an introduction please let me know what y'all think and if I should continue.
Disclaimer: I don't own anything
Love. For most people this word holds great joy. People will search their entire life's looking for it. For me that word brings nothing but pain and misery. I loved my mother with all my heart and she was taken for me. She was the person who could put a smile on my face even if I'm having a bad day. She was there when I was sick or when I needed a shoulder to cry on. When she was killed I lost myself I didn't want to live in a world where Johanna Beckett didn't exist. It took a while after her death to return to the land of living and I put all my anger all my heartache into becoming the best damn cop I could be so I could hunt down and find my mother's killer. But in order to accomplish my goals I had to shut down my heart lock it up and throw away the key. I couldn't let anybody in, I couldn't let anybody fall in love with me or me with them until my mother's killer was locked up, and I was okay with that at the time because I couldn't fathom loving somebody ever again. So years passed spending almost all of my free time researching anything that connected back to my mother, losing myself all over again in this never ending black hole that I couldn't get out of. The only way reason I survived the black hole was because Ryan and Esposito pulled my out. After that I shut down my investigation, I locked up the files knowing if I opened the case again I would be sucked back down into the vortex.
After I gave up on the investigation I started going on a few dates, none of them went anywhere serious and I was okay with that. I knew my heart couldn't handle a serious relationship, the fear of losing somebody I love still fresh in my mind and probably will always be. By this point in time I had become a master at hiding my heart and keeping it buried behind a steel wall, and each day I close my heart off more the stronger that wall became. It was self-preservation at its best, knowing I had built the wall so tall and thick I never feared of anyone being up to put a dent into it, let alone being able to tear it down. That was best/worst calculation I ever made because what I didn't know at the time was somebody would be able to destroy my wall and that person's name was Richard castle.
