Alright folks, so it's been about 2948348974571 years since I've written a fanfiction. In fact, I wouldn't be surprised if most of my former readers have already passed from this world. (Insert solemn silence.)
... So. This here is, as the title so aptly suggests, a questionable concoction of Alex Rider infused with Alice's Adventures in Wonderland, seasoned generously with Ridiculous and served with a side of pure, unadulterated Stupid. In later chapters, the Alice in Wonderland part will kind of die off... If there's even any interest in this story.
Rated: K+, because even ten-year-olds can curse nowadays.
Warnings: A bit of cursing, really bad humour, American English masquerading as UK English, lack of noticeable plot, shit writing, crossdressing (yahrly).
Disclaimer: Alex Rider belongs to me. I am his pimp. BELIEVE IT.
Chapter 1 - Down the Rabbit-Hole (To God knows where)
Alex opened his eyes to the bizarre sight of Yassen Gregorovich, contract killer extraordinaire, dressed in a vaguely baroque-looking blue and white suit and... rabbit ears on his head, sitting at a little glass table calmly sipping tea.
"Hello, little Alex," the Yassen look-a-like (for Yassen would never dress in such ridiculous attire; it would be unprofessional) greeted far too nonchalantly. He continued to sip his tea, even as his gaze (somewhat eerily) never left Alex's figure.
The teenager in question blinked in bewilderment. "Who are you?" he asked the impersonator. "Why are you impersonating Gregorovich? Better yet, why are you impersonating Gregorovich in rabbit ears?"
Yassen-but-not-really-except-maybe-sort-of raised an amused eyebrow. "Clearly, your many near-death experiences and encounters with madmen bent on world conquest and/or destruction have not done a thing to mend your precocious temperament. From your tone, if me really being who I am is the lesser of two evils in your mind, I'd hate to consider who you're accusing me of being. Or, of course, I've simply not made a strong enough impression upon you." Oh. Definitely the real Yassen, then.
"...Yassen?" Alex asked incredulously.
"I believe we've established that is my name, yes."
"Why are you dressed like..." He gestured at the assassin's current attire.
Yassen's eyebrow lifted again. "I'm the White Rabbit, of course," he told the boy (though this designation would later be called into question, not that Alex knew that at the time) as if it were the most obvious thing in the world. "And you're Alice."
Alex's eyebrows furrowed in confusion. With a (very sophisticated, thanks very much) long-suffering sigh, Yassen A.K.A. the Rabbit gestured with one gloved hand at Alex's current habiliments. Upon glancing down at himself, Alex was shocked to discover he himself was clothed in a very feminine, very frilly little blue and white dress.
"..."
Alex could do naught but blink in disbelief, stunned into silence. Under the amused gaze of Yassen, the young spy slowly reached down and patted his lower stomach area.
Thank god. It seemed he was still fully male.
Upon seeing Alex once again reassured of his own masculinity, Yassen pulled his attention away from the admittedly entertaining spectacle and pulled out a strange gold pocket watch. With a glance at its face, the assassin frowned lightly. "It appears I am running a tad behind schedule," he announced. "I must get going. Goodbye, little Alex." With that, he stood up, pushed his chair in and began walking away.
Alex shook himself out of his stupor. "Hey, wait!" he called to the retreating man. "What the hell's going on here?"
Yassen did not even pause in his step, prompting the younger male to huff frustratedly and jog after him. "Hey, wait up!"
Strangely, Yassen seemed to move more and more quickly away, despite his gait not changing. Alex ran faster, soon chasing the man at a dead sprint. He was getting closer, closer, until-
Did Yassen just disappear? Alex gaped in disbelief. One moment the man was just metres away, the next he was- gone. Poof, vanished. Actually, there was not even a 'poof'; he just vanished.
Alex slowed his jog as he approached the location from which it seemed the assassin had vanished from. To his astonishment (and really, that was happening far too often recently), he found a hole, of all things. Directly at the spot Yassen had been standing previously was a very deep pit, approximately one metre wide and with no bottom in sight. Scowling deeply, Alex considered his situation. To jump, or not to jump? A cursory glance around the surrounding area showed an endless expanse of white marble floor; even the glass tea table had seemingly vanished. Vaguely, Alex wondered if he would find a hole there, too. With a doleful, woe-is-me-whom-fate-utterly-despised sigh, he decided that considering his questionable yet nonetheless remarkable fortune when it came to these sort of things, the fall most likely not kill him. Gods, he hated his life.
Crossing his fingers despondently, Alex Rider closed his eyes and jumped.
Dammit. It's waaaaaay too short. I promise the next one will be longer. I promise. If anyone likes this thing.
