I know what you're thinking, like damn this person writes a bunch of fics. Truth is i've had these written for a while now, and i wanted to post them. Because i forget about them. So this is a different change an abusive James the first i think?. It's usaually Kendall, but i decided to give him a break, and make another one of the boys take his place. I can't imagine Carlos or Logan being the abusive one's in the relationship, unless it was a Cargan, but still it's kinda hard. so enough of my blabbering i hope you like...
How can you say " I love you" when all you do is hurt me?. How can you say " I want you" when all you do is want someone else?. You manipulate, you abuse, you cheat, you use me, you hit me. Where did I go wrong?. What did I do to make you do all these things?. I can't anymore, I'm damaged you stained me. I want you to know I love you. I'll always love you. But this I can't love, I can't love what you've become. I miss you, the old you. I can't do this anymore, that's why I'm saying this. I can't be with you anymore. I want to break up…
Those are the words I want to say to him. Those are the words I need to say to him. But I can't, I love him too much to let go. I know you probably think I'm stupid for staying in this dysfunctional relationship . It's just every time he looks at me, or every time I try to say those words. He fills with hurt, and regret, he tells me how much I mean to him, how he couldn't live if I left him. He cries and begs, till I forgive him. He threatens to end himself if I leave him. I don't want to loose him. I can't. so here's me sucking up those break up words that I've mustered the courage to say. And I forgive him. Were ok for a while, but then it starts again…
I look at myself in the mirror, sighing sadly. The different bruises forming along my pale skin, are his art. He's created them. I have a new illustration on me at least once a week if I'm lucky every two weeks. I've tried time and time again to get him to stop. But he's in control. I don't get a say. All I do is take the back seat and do as I'm told.
I wince when I touch one. They hurt they're sore. But not more than my heart. His love is a razor blade. And I'm the skin. Metaphorically. He's made me who I am now. My tears follow the same path as my blood. A tear falls into the porcelain sink, as does my blood. The silver blade I hold in between my fingers has become my best friend. He helps me take the pain away for a while only to turn his back on me and leave a scar, just like the many James has left on me.
I'm his punching bag, his stress reliever, his sex doll. Whatever you want to call me. Some people think of happiness, I think of fear. Some think of beauty, I think of hideousness. Love is really not what it's cracked out to be. Some love, some hurt. I guess I have the best of both worlds. Pain and love. Tainted love?. I don't know if I'll last much longer if I keep going this path. If I keep forgiving him. Please change for me?.
" Baby Logie?, can we talk?" he asks in a guilty tone. He knows what he's done.
" J-just a-a s-second" he stammers, quickly wiping his arms and putting his sharp friend away. James hears shuffling in the bathroom he knocks harder, " Logan open the door" he says. Logan gasps his voice sounds serious. He turns the sink on to wash away the blood. He sees the door handle jiggling, so without time he stuffs the bloody paper into his pocket. He quickly rolls his sleeves down. He takes a deep breath and opens the door.
James is looking down at him, his arms crossed over his chest. Logan smiles at him. " What were you doing in there?" he asks. " Using the b-bathroom" he replies quickly not wanting to sound nervous. James stares at him for a few seconds, suspiciously. When he smiles Logan sighs. " Let's watch TV". he says wrapping his arms around Logan and walking them out the door.
James sits with his back against the arm rest, his legs spread and Logan in between. His back on James's chest. James wraps his arm around Logan's waist while the other one is placed behind his own head. Logan sighs snuggling into James's chest more. These are the moments when everything seems ok. No fighting no cutting, just hanging out like old times.
" What did you want to talk about?" asks Logan looking up at James. James shakes his head smiling. " Nothing just wanted to hang out with you" he replies with a kiss. Logan nods his head and goes back to watching TV.
After a while Logan feels his eyes get heavy. As James runs his fingers through his brown locks. James can tell that he's asleep by his soft snoring. He chuckles carefully moving him away. James leans down to pick him up. He carries him back to their shared room. He places the sleeping boy on the bed gently. As he covers him Logan stirs. " What happened?" he asks. James shakes his head, " You fell asleep, just go back babe" he whispers. Logan nods and closes his eyes again. James sits by his side running his thumb along his soft skin. He gets a txt message on his phone. He grins and replies. Logan hears the phone vibrating and wakes up again. " James what are you doing?" he asks. James looks away from his phone. " Sorry didn't mean to wake you, I'm gonna go down by the pool for a while" he says, he goes to stand up, but Logan grabs his arm. " Stay" he says softly. James chuckles. " I'll be back soon I promise" he says leaning down to place a kiss on his forehead. Logan nods. As James walks to the door he says " I-I love you". James only nods his head and walks out. Logan looks up at the ceiling feeling his tears well up. He can't cry over James anymore.
Later that night Logan is barely asleep when James walks in. Logan doesn't move. He hears James remove his clothes, before getting into bed. He feels his arms wrap around his torso, " I love you" he says in a slurred voice. Logan feels a gab to his heart when James pulls him against his chest, and he smells a feminine perfume on his arms. Logan can't hold back and he lets the silent tears fall. He knows what James was up to while he slept. He cries himself to sleep the whole night, as the smell breaks his already broken heart even more…
