I don't want to hurt him. Every time I inflict any sort of pain upon him, I feel the pain myself.
The cold look in his eyes as he walked through those doors only to find me standing above my latest victim sent a rush of fear through my body. Have I lost his faith in me completely?
How did I do this?
He ran from me as quickly as he could, unwilling to stop and listen to me pour out my heart to him in apology.
I eventually caught up with him in the skate park. The sun was shining so brightly, the light so distracting that I had almost hoped as though I were in another world, where I could take back all the horrible things that I'd said to him; take back the pain I had caused and the damage I had done.
I didn't know how to answer his questions; his tone of voice so harsh, so full of fire that even if I had had answers I would not have been able to respond to them.
…And then he tried to kiss me. How I would have paid to kiss him, but I just couldn't let myself. I couldn't let anyone else see; let them in on our little secret that started off so small but has now become so great that I fear it will soon become impossible to hide. His face was so close to mine that for a split second, I could have forgotten about everything that was happening, and instead let myself get lost simply in his presence. But I didn't.
Instead, I hurt him again. Grabbing hold of his neck, I threw a hand over his mouth in sheer desperation. He just wouldn't stop shouting at me, his words like daggers being thrown right at my chest, sucking the breath out of me, causing my blood to boil and my heart to ache. I didn't realize what I was doing until he freed himself from my strong grip around his face.
And then it all came back to me. My jaw dropped and my mouth hung open in shock. I remembered all those times I had hurt him, and in so many ways. He hadn't deserved any of it. All he had tried to do was please me; do exactly as I'd wanted him to. He was right, it is a reflex. I don't even think about it, I just hurt him whenever I feel the need.
And now I've lost him. Lost his trust, his loyalty and his heart.
