Disclaimer: I own none of these characters. They belong to Joss blah blah
blah
Pairing: S/B (why write about anything else!)
Summary: Thoughts on the S/B relationship, Spike's POV
*A/N: For anyone who has read Reversed, don't worry I'm still working on it. I just wrote this one day because I bored in math. I'll update it as soon as I get the chance.
Holding on to Hope
Why can't she just admit it? I know she cares for me. It's obvious. If she didn't, then she wouldn't have apologized to the man inside of me.
That's progress, right? I mean now, at least, she thinks I'm something more than a monster. Maybe one day, in her eyes I'll be something more.
But that won't happen…
She claims it's over. But I know her better then that. I know she needs me. To fill whatever little void is in her heart. She thinks I can't love without a soul, but she doesn't know how wrong she is. I've told her again and again but she doesn't believe me. She's so hung up on the no soul thing that she can't see how much I've changed for her. And even if she has noticed, she'll probably say it's because of the chip in my head.
The soddin chip! If I ever see another one of those Initiative boys I'd… But I wouldn't. Even if I could hurt someone, I wouldn't. Not now, knowing that I would lose her forever. She doesn't realize that I'm willing to turn my back on my kind just to prove to her that I love her.
I wish that once, just once, I could get through to her. I'm not talking about the part of her I see everytime we have sex. No. I love to see her happy and free, which is how she looks after. But it's not enough. I need her to open up her soul to me. She needs to let someone in. If not me, then who? I know her better then anyone, maybe better then she knows herself. Where else is she gonna find someone like that?
I know what her answer would be…
My poofter of a sire, that's who! Just because he has a soul, she thinks that he understands her more. Bullocks! I know what she went through, comin back from the grave and all. Plus, I helped her friends patrol. I didn't make fun of Harris all summer. You'd think I'd get brownie points for that. But no, heaven forbid I should be thanked for anything. That would put me closer to Peaches in her eyes.
So I just remember those few precious times I had with her. The only times I've felt alive since I was turned. The only times I've been warm. Not just physically either, but I felt the heat in my heart. Something no one has ever given me, not even when I was alive. She has made me become the man I used to be, someone I though had died when I became a vampire. She brings out the best in me, and one day I wish I could do the same for her.
But until that day comes, all I can do is
hold on to hope.
End
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