Perhaps

Tokyo Babylon

Disclaimer: Tokyo Babylon and all characters belong to CLAMP. The quotes in italics are directly from the translated Tokyopop version of volume seven of Tokyo Babylon, and therefore, definitely do not belong to me.

A/N: Subaru stream of consciousness. During volume seven of the manga. I've only read the manga, not watched the show. I have seen a bit and read a bit of X/1999, but this has no interaction with it. Possibly leading into a longer story. Subaru--san thinking about Seishiro-san, Hokuto-chan, and the little ghost girl at the end of seven. Please let me know what you think of this. Please enjoy. If you sign in, I will reply to your review, if PM is enabled.

"Finally, I've found you.
" I won't let you…
"…I will never let you kill Subaru!
"I will never…
"…let you kill him."

"But you don't have the power to kill me…
"…Hokuto-chan."

"I know.
"I know I cannot beat you.
"But…
"There are certain spells that only I have the power to cast."

"Only… you…?"

"That's why… I want you…
"…to kill me instead."

"I shall."

And then… she died. And he smiled. As I watched him, he smiled, as if he was looking directly at me.

And I screamed.

Obaa-san said I stopped quickly, but… I am still screaming inside, I think.

I looked, of course. Trying to find what spells only she could cast. What spells would involve her… death. I haven't found any. Not a single one. I do not even know if she cast it on him or me.

I have not been able to find him, since that day. Of course, he has not found me either.

I do not even know if he is looking, but… I am the only one to escape the Sakurazukamori. He made a promise to kill me. One would think that he would look for me.

Perhaps that was her spell. To ensure that he could not find me… or that I could not find him.

Or is it the same thing?

I do not know if I could survive killing him. Or survive the attempt. Perhaps she did not know either, and so she kept us from finding each other, to kill each other, or die in the attempt.

Perhaps.

Perhaps she did nothing. Perhaps she wasn't able to, before he killed her.

Perhaps he knew that killing her would kill me as well. Kill me inside, a more lasting and painful death than any other from his hands.

I do not know. And that, too, is killing me. There is nothing to make me live, now…Nothing except killing him.

Perhaps I would not survive killing him.

Perhaps I would not want to.

Perhaps I would not even try.

Perhaps.

"I could tell that you had pain…
"…inside the deepest part of your heart. Just like me.
"The wind is getting strong. I have to go."

"Wait!"

"Yes?"

"The place where you live now…is my sister there?"

"Dunno. What's she like?"

"She's just like me."

"Then she's not here…
"…there's no one here with such lonely eyes as yours."

I lied. She's not just like me. She's better. She sacrificed herself to…make things better, to help me.

And I… I was going to sacrifice myself because I do not matter.

And now I am going to sacrifice myself because I cannot think of any reason not to.