Hetalia Axis Musical…thing…
Narrator: Long ago, on a place called Earth, two parts of it named Pan and Gea existed in harmony. Then everything changed when the fire nation attacked. Pan and Gea split apart. This separation caused many of today's countries to form, such as-
Italy: [prances on stage]
Ciao~ I'm Italy! Ve~ PAAAAAASSSSSSSTTTTTTTAAAAAAAA~!
Germany: [stomps onto stage with Japan following] IIITTTAAALLLYYY!
Italy: Aah! G-G...Hello Germany…
[laughs nervously]
Germany: What did I tell you about running away from training?!
Italy: IF I did, you would make me work even more?
Japan: [inaudible gasp]
Italy: B-But I can explain…
Germany: [sighs in exasperation]
Fine, but it better be a good explanation, or else, you're going to get it.
Italy: VE~ [ claps hands together].
Well Germany. I heard somebody off in the distance talking, so I got curious and went to check it out, like any Italian would do. So then, when I came over here, I saw all of these wonderful people looking at us, as if we are in a show or something, ve~.
Japan: Itary, you broke the fourth warr. Now everything is going to go awry.
Italy: [tilts head to side in confusion]
Fourth….wall?
Japan: Mr. Germany, may I exprain.
Germany: [places hand(S) on temples to somehow relieve stress]
JA, might as well, I've wasted enough time anyway. Go on.
Japan: [bows to Germany]
Hai. So, Itary. The fourth warr is the barrier between the audience and the entertainment. The way to break it is to tark to the audience or either the camera firming the program.
Italy: so, your saying. If I talk to the Audience, I'll be breaking the fourth wall. Haha, take that Donald Trump!
Germany: [face palm]
Italy: [turns and talks to the audience]
ciao! So, are you guys enjoying yourselves so far? How's the popcorn?!
[starts doing the jive] Anyone here from Cincinnati.
Japan: Itary, please stop, after a whire it gets ord…we want to save it for rater
Germany: Anyway, let's move this along, shall we? I'm Germany. The country that keeps breaking the fourth wall is Italy, as he probably already mentioned. And the other is Japan.
Japan: Konnichiwa [bows]
Italy: Well, that's all for us, the axis powers. Ve~ I hope you enjoy the show. And remember, Pasta for president, 2016
Germany: Grrrrr, Italy!
[chases italy of stage]
Japan: [unsure switching, sighs and bows]
sayonara
[exits stage]
Part ii
Narrator: Anyway, like was saying before I was interrupted. This separation caused many of today's countries to form, such as-
America: WOAH DUDE, ENGLAND! LOOK AT ALL OF THESE PEOPLE! HEY DUDES AND DUDETTES. I BET YOU CAME TO SEE THE HERO IN ACTION! All right! I-
England: what is it America? [turns and looks at audience]
hmm…well I highly doubt that people are here just to witness your "heroicness" of which you so falsely claim
America: Oh c'mon dude….But seriously, if they're not here for me, who are they here for?
France: [walks on stage with much suave and swagger] ohonhonhonhon~ well, that question is easy to answer, oui.
[flips hair majestically]
The lovely audience is obviously here to see me. Ohonhonhonhonhon~
[blows kiss to audience and winks]
Random audience member 1: [swoon]
England: [scoff]
oh please, if they are here to see you, then that's like saying that America is not fat and that I'm a monkey's uncle.
America: [flips off England secretly]
France: that can be arranged, Angleterre.
England: why you…..
[France and England fight]
America: Hey…hey…DUDES STOP!
[Francis and England continue fighting]
Canada: [attempts to shout, just enough to be heard] Everybody stop fighting!
America: Yea! You're upsetting Canada!
[Francis and England stop fighting]
England: [raises eyebrow in question]
Who….who's Canada?
America: my brother!
England: [still confused]
France: [le gasp]
I am sorry mon petit Canada. I must have lost my composure, even though the black sheep of Europe started it
[crosses arms and glares at England with disdain]
England: [copies Francis's body pose]
well…That frog over there provoked me!
France: well I never…
[France and England start bickering again]
China: [walks on stage]
Aiyah! You two, stop being so childish and stop with all the fighting! I am too old to be stressed out by your endless bickering
France and England: sorry China
Russia: Da. Why can not we all just be the friends ^J^
England: [trembles in fear and cowers behind France]
R-Russia?!
Russia: [simple hand wave]
Hello.
America: Hey, Russia. Dude, did you totally check out the vid I sent you?
Russia: [looks through phone]
Da. It was quite…..interesting I-
Narrator: Before we get ahead of ourselves….and since the fourth wall has already been broken multiple times, might as well finish introductions
America: Okay! I'm America, and I'm the hero!
[strikes hero pose]
All except for America: [facepalm]
England: I am the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland…or Just England.
France: I am France, the country of love, ohonhonhon~ [blows kiss to audience AND WINKS]
Random audience member 2: I LOVE YOU FRANCE!
[SWOON]
France: ohonhonhon~
England: [rolls eyes]
Oi…
Russia: Hello! I am Russia. I hope that we can become one one day, Da?
China: I'm China, the oldest country, aru. If you are wondering how old, I could give you a rough estimate, or you could go look it up, aru.
Narrator: Someone's salty.
England: Well, I think that's all…umm O-
France and America: You forgot about Canada
England: Who?
America: Ugh…My brother
Canada: Hello…..I'm Canada, America's o-older brother….People often mistake me for h-him though…or forget about me in general….but, It's okay as long as I have my polar bear friend Kumakichi with me.
Kumajiro: [looks up at Canada]
who are you?
Canada: I'm Canada
America: well, that's all for us, the Allies.
Russia: have fun and enjoy, Da.
2: America's Dance Battle with Russia
America: Haha! Dude, your dance moves are totally whack.
Russia: What do you mean? They are totally not the whack. They are the cool, Da.
America: Oh yea, you think so dude?!
Russia: Da, I do!
America: well then, let's put your "mad skillz" to the test.
Russia: you mean…like, the dance off?
America: Yea!
Prussia: Welcome everyone to the first annual Dance off. Our competitors today are….America…
Crowd: [cheers]
Prussia: and Russia!
Crowd: [silence]
America begins
[totally sweet American dubstep plays]
Crowd: [cheers]
America: [panting, slightly out of breath]
T-Think you can do better, Ivan?
Russia: Da!
Crowd: [silence]
[rad awesome Russian dubstep plays]
Crowd: [cheers]
America: [stares at Russia, wide eyed and opened mouth, speechless]
Russia: Well, that was the fun, right America?
America: [nods speechlessly]
Russia: Good job America, and may the better man win [holds out hand to shake America's]
America: [returns the handshake]
Prussia: the results are In, Und I , the awesome Prussia, your host, have them in this sealed envelope….
[begins to open up envelope]
Und the winner is…..coming back right after the break
America: really dude…..
Prussia: I was just kidding kesesese~, this isn't even on the air
Russia: I would love it if you would get to the results now
Prussia: [salty face]
Fine….The winner is [insert winner here]
America: Good job dude, you were actually really good.
Russia: as were you America.
Prussia: That's the end of our show, please join us for another Hetalia dance off. I'm your host, Prussia, thank you Und good night!
[mein gott plays]
3: Baking with Germany
Germany: Hallo, It's me Germany and today we will be making baumkuchen
First, you will need 1 cup of butter, room temperature, ¾ cup of sugar, 8 eggs, make sure they are separated, 2 tablespoons of dark rum, 1 lemon zest, 1/8 teaspoon of salt, 1/3 cup of minced almonds, 1 cup flour mixed with 2 tablespoons of flour, mixed with 1 cup of cornstarch, 2 tablespoons of cornstarch, ½ cup of melted apricot jam. Lastly, you may or may not want to use almond paste, chocolate icing, or powdered sugar, as these are optional.
Now, for the first step, we will whip the butter and sugar well until it is creamy. Remember to gradually add the egg yolks, rum, zest, salt, almonds, flour and cornstarch into the butter-sugar mixture until a light, foamy batter forms.
[Crowd oohs and aahs]
Germany: Next, we'll beat the egg whites until very stiff, and fold them gently into the batter. Then, pour about two tablespoons of batter, make sure the layers are thin, into an 8 ½ inch spring form pan greased with butter. Next, take the batter in the pan and put in the uppermost rack in the oven, or you may broil it in a preheated oven for 2 minutes, or until golden brown. Watch carefully tough, this browning can happen very quickly. You should repeat this step until all the batter is gone, this should provide you with 14-16 layers. When the cake is done, let it sit for a few minutes before running a sharp knife on the side of the pan. Remove the cake from the pan and glaze it with the apricot jam. Once the jam Is set, you can add an additional glaze of thinned almond paste, or immediately finish the cake with a thin icing made from powdered sugar or chocolate.
Now, we have one that's been chilling for a few minutes, who would like to be my test subject and come and taste it
[Crowd goes wild and shouts "pick me"}
Germany: How about you….
[points to random guest]
Random guest: [contains fangirl
Moment and walks to meet Germany]
Germany: Hallo, what's your name
Random guest: [insert name]
Germany: [essentially feeds random guest a piece of baumkuchen]
Okay [Insert name] so, how is it?
Random Guest: [blushes]
it's good
[Crowd Cheers]
Germany: That's all for our show, Guten Nacht!
(Actual Baumkuchen recipe from: recipe/baumkuchen-the-king-of-cakes-214171)
4: DumbleDora the Explora: England's misadventures of summoning
England: [walks in basement/lair]
Okay, let's try this again. After that ignorant boob, America interrupted me….
[america and Canada sneak into room]
Canada: [whispers]
I don't know America, I don't think we should be spying on England like this.
America: [whisper]
don't worry dude, it'll be just fine. Let's just watch
England: [Incantation speech ad lib]
Santo-rita-meada-maida. Rico-jonah-tito-marlin. Jack-Latoya-janet Michael- DUMBLEDORA THE EXPLORA!
Canada: [Cowers behind America]
ohh…w-why did I ever l-let you talk me into this A-America?! I shouldn't have trusted you.
America: Oh come on dude, I-
Canada: Do you even know what he's saying? Do You, America?
America: ehhhh….Don't worry Bro, the Limey's probably just singing about roasting Marshmallows and those little cocktail weenie thingies over a campfire or some other crap.
Canada: Really America…Really, ugh.
[stomps off]
America: HEY! Wait up!
[runs after Canada]
[Sebastian appears from cloud of smoke]
England: Finally, someone who isn't Russia.
Sebastian: Your campfire roasted marshmallows and cocktail weenies, sir…
5: Big Brother
Russia: [whimpers]
B-Belarus!
Belarus: [Creepy]
Big Brother….I have come for you
[creepy laugh]
Russia: P-please….g-go away
Belarus: One…two…I'm coming for you
Russia: [whimpers]
Belarus: Three…four…unlock your door
Russia: N-Nyet
Belarus: Five…Six….You know I'll come quick
Russia: S-stop
Belarus: seven…eight….Accept your fate
Russia: [whimpering]
Th-That is creepy. Stop.
Belarus: Nine…Ten, You'll be mine then.
[maniacal laugh]
Russia: [screaming and whimpering]
GO AWAY BELARUS...PLEASE STOP IT…YOU'RE SCARING ME….
Belarus: BIG BROTHER….
Russia: Go Away!
End Scene _
#6:It's The American Dream #1
America: [munches on junk food vigorously]
OMG, this is soooo gooooood. Oh My God!
England: Oi, America, what the bloody heck are you doing
America: Hmm? Oh, ya know, just eating my food.
England: Well I can very well see that you're eating (or rather inhaling it). However, I wouldn't exactly go calling that "food".
[scoff]
I mean….what exactly is this toxic rubbish.
America: This, Britain, is not
[mocks England's accent]
"Toxic Rubbish".
[whispers to self]
Unlike whatever you make.
England: Then what is it?
America: It's a chili cheese dog covered in extra chili cheese, steak sauce and this fancy French stuff called…
[thinks for a moment]…uh, Oh I know! It was called
[ uses very stereotypical French accent]
Graisse de saindoux!
England: [thinks and repeats 'graisse de saindoux repeatedly]...
[facepalms] America…you twit!
America: [talks with food in mouth] W-what did I do!
England: America, Listen to me. [places hands on America's shoulders and speaks slowly and clearly] Graisse de Saindoux means 'Lard fat'.
America: [shrugs]
so….[eats more]
England: you are literally eating diabetes and fat, and you could die!
America: HAHA! Funny…anyway, for starters, I'm a country… I cant just die like that. Number two,
[scoffs] why do you care? You're not my dad…
England: [sigh]
No. I'm not. I may not be able to tell you what to do. However, I am worried about you. No matter what happens, you are my little brother and I deeply care about you. I don't want to see you fall. Do you understand?
America: Oh, I understand. I understand that you are just jealous that I have better tastes than you.
England: [growls with fury]
AMERICA. THAT'S NOT IT!
[sigh] Okay, you know what? Obviously you won't listen to me. Your head and skin are just about as thick as your waistline [pokes America in the gut]…but, go ahead and do whatever the bloody heck you very well please. I don't care. However, don't say I didn't warn you…
[exits off stage]
America: [yells]
Tch, whatever limey. I know what I'm talking about!
[walks off stage]
The next day
America: I do a lot of activities and crap…so it shouldn't be that bad…
Nurse: Okay mr. Jones, the doctor will see you now.
America: [sighs]
well, here goes nothing,
[walks with nurse]
Nurse: Okay Mr. Jones, you may step off now.
America: [steps off]
Nurse: please follow me
America: [follows nurse]
America: SO, what are my measurements…no doubt amazing
Nurse: Umm, well, let's put it this way sir…you are a growing young man.
America: Okaaaayyy. So what are they, don't hold back on me.
Nurse: okay, so your height is 5'9.6"…
America: Okay….and my weight?
Nurse: 180 pounds. BMI is 26.1
America: oh….[enthusiasm deflates]
and what does that mean.
Nurse: You can ask the doctor when he comes in.
America: thank you.
Nurse: have a good day Mr. Jones
[walks out]
Doctor: [walks in]
Good Morning Mr. Jones
America: morning Doc.
Doctor: [checks out records]
So it says here Mr. Jones that you have grown considerably since your last visit.
America: [silent nod]
Doctor: Otherwise you're in perfect health. So shall we talk about your daily habits, so that you may improve them and improve your health. A healthy lifestyle is vital if you want to stay in great physical condition. Plus, I know how this works, Alfred, you're young and want to please the ladies.
America: True
Doctor: In able to do that, you have to improve your habits.
America: I understand
Doctor: So what do you usually eat for breakfast?
America: Well, I'm quite busy most of the time, and since McDonald's has all day breakfast now, I just get something from there.
Doctor: Like what, give me an example of what you would get.
America: Umm, well…I usually get about 3 mcgriddles…sometimes I get the pancakes….ummm, yea
Doctor: [shakes head]
those things, and all of their food in itself…NO good. You need to make better choices. However, I understand that you have a busy schedule. So, if you don't have time…get the oatmeal from McDonald's.
America: Hmm
Doctor: So what do you typically eat for the rest of the day?
America: Mostly burgers, Sometimes I'll go with a hotdog…but they make me feel weird psychologically…but that's about it. Oh, yesterday I had this amazing chili cheese hotdog, covered in even more chili and cheese, steak sauce, and graisse de saindoux.
Doctor: You do realize that Graisse de Saindoux means lard fat, right?
America: Why does everyone know French but me? Ugh.
Doctor: My God, Mr. Jones, you need variety and more green in your diet…and…I'm sorry, but you need to make so many more adjustments. I'm utterly shocked that you are in this great of health and that your only problem is that you are overweight.
America: I-I am?!
Doctor: yes you are Mr. Jones. The nurse didn't tell you?
America: N-No, she said it was better if I asked you.
Doctor: Hmm…anyway, you have to at least get down to 160. That shouldn't be too hard.
Time skip
America: [pace back and forth]
Oh man…this is bad….maybe England was right….I need help. Desperately…But I can't mention anything to England, he'll give me another 10 hour "I told you so" speech. But, who? [more intense thinking] Ooh, I know! I'll ask Germany to help me, he's super buff.
End Part 1
#7: Prussia's lessons in How to be Awesome part`1
Prussia: Hallo there, it is me, the Awesome Gilbert Beilschmidt and today, I will teach you how to be awesome. To demonstrate the way, I have a special guest. Ladies and Gentlemen, our guest star, the host of Baking with Germany, my brother…Ludwig Beilschmidt.
Crowd applauds
Germany: [walks on stage]
Prussia: Hey bro
Germany: Hallo
Prussia: So, how is life. I know that you have a new book out called "The way of Deutschland". Can you give us a bit of a summary
Germany: well, basically…It's a compilation of recipes from our childhood. It has everything from Old Man Fritz's spice cookies to Goering's Roast Duck. The best thing is, I altered it so that it would be a healthier substitute than the original
Crowd: Ooh Ahh
Prussia: that's mein health nut bruder
Germany: Ja, well I'm just trying to help people get healthier, ya know.
Prussia: Ja. I understand. I also understand that you are quite a hit with the frauen out there, seeing that you sometimes cook with your shirt off
Ladies in audience: [fangirl]
Germany: [scratches back of head in abashed manner] Umm…I, I guess. Well, Ja, it can get hot near the ovens und stoves und stuff.
L.I.A: [fangirl] Take it off! [continue chanting]
Prussia: We'll get to that later, because…today we will be focusing on attire. Step five on how to be awesome has to do with apparel.
Crowd: [cheers]
Prussia: So, to help us out with that is my next guest, a fashion guru all the way from the country to the east… Feliks Lukasiewics
Crowd: [cheers]
Poland: [walk out on stage]
Hey Ladies and Gentlemen.
Prussia: Long time, no see Feliks
Germany: Great to see you again
Poland: So what's been going on since I've last seen you?
Prussia: Nothing much
Poland: So, you mean you never got anywhere with that little Canadian friend of yours? I, like, totally ship you guys.
Prussia: [scratches head in embarrassment]
Umm, can we not talk about this? L-Let's move on shall we?
Germany: I agree, I don't want to be interrogated either.
Poland: don't worry, I'll, like, get to you later.
Germany: Oi…oh yay
Prussia; So, Feliks, how do we become more awesome based on what we wear?
Poland: Well it is important to keep up with the trending styles. For instance, lederhosen…For traditional celebrations and stuff like that, where wearing it is normal…that's okay…but for everyday wear…No, never.
Germany: aha…
Prussia: seriously though. I saw a guy walking down the street to the local supermarket…wearing lederhosen.
Poland: oh, boy
[shakes head]
Germany: Is there a way to prevent such a mistake?
Poland: Absolutely Ludwig, I have a new book coming out called "Bajecznie Mnie" or Fabulously Me
Germany: sounds interesting
Poland: It's a book that basically, like, guides even the most ordinary of humans on a journey on how to be fabulous, like me.
Prussia: [snicker]
Gee, someone's modest.
Germany: [elbows Prussia]
Prussia: [winces in pain]
So, Ja. Everyone in the audience will be receiving a copy of Feliks' book.
Audience: [cheers]
Prussia: So, will we be checking out some of these things in the book today
Poland: sure, I don't see why not.
Audience: [cheers]
Poland: So, to get this on the road, I will need three models.
Germany: Well, where are they
Poland: That's funny Ludwig. You two are the models and I have one other person.
Germany: Oi
Prussia: Who is it
Poland: I'm going to ask her to come out. Please welcome the star of the movie "Change" And the author of My Life of Confusion and Discovery, Elizaveta Hedervary
Crowd: [cheers]
Hungary: [walks on stage]
Hello everybody!
Germany, Prussia, and Poland: [exchange greetings with Hungary]
Poland: So now that we have all of the models, I have a style team backstage that will help you guys.
Germany: Guess we should get going then.
Prussia: We're gonna get ready and we'll be back after the break, stick around
Crowd: [cheers]
I'm Awesome Plays
End part 1
END ACT 1
