Ever wish you could go back?
Like, to when things weren't so messed up? When every little thing didn't bother you? When you had the confidence to stand up to every obstacle? Or when you had barely a care in the world? And maybe fix everything that went wrong?
Yeah? Yeah, me too.
I've been wishing for quite awhile now actually. It's funny really. If I were to go back, I'd be that crazy kid that hardly anyone could ever deal with again. I may not have been entirely crazy but I definitely was a handful. Just looking back makes me blush with embarrassment. What was seriously wrong with me? Kind of hard seeing that person as me now. It's a wonder how my friends dealt with me…
Heh… Friends… Those guys.
I wonder what they're up to nowadays. They were all great people. Every single one of them. I'm sure they're out there living their lives, starting families, and whatnot. I'm sure they're happy, despite the way things ended between us. Especially that person. That someone who I always thought was special. They were especially great to me. Whenever some kind of trouble came about, they were by my side. Whenever my day felt hopeless, they were that shining light I'd hope to see. And when my heart started to flutter, it was a good chance they had something to do with it. They were everything I'd hope to find in someone. Sure, like me they had their quirks, but I was always willing to overlook them just to be by their side. Just about everyone knew how I felt , except them. Thinking back to all those times I was teased over it, ugh, it was a little bit frustrating. Still, everyone had a point. I couldn't let those feelings go unheard. I finally worked up the guts to pour all I had into that confession, and in the end, what happened? My world was crushed. And really, it's stayed crushed since then.
I don't blame them though. I get it. Feelings aren't always the same. Some people just aren't meant to be. It's just… it hurt, you know? To gather up everything in you just for it to not go the way you wanted. It's silly really. However, what hurt more was our relationship after. We weren't the same friends who'd laugh and be around each other. In the end, we felt like strangers. We stayed distant throughout the rest of the time we had. Then, when it was finally time for us to part ways and say goodbye, I couldn't help but cry. Not just because I'm saying goodbye to my first love, but because I'm saying goodbye to those feelings. It's safe to say a part of me died that day. And all because I couldn't do anything.
It's the reason I wish I could just go back. To stop myself from leaving it all out there. To save myself from the heartache and goodbyes. Maybe I'd still be smiling right now. I'd probably not be such a downer to everyone. Then again, whose to say I wouldn't regret not doing anything? Who knows. It's a stupid thing to think about… Mistakes are just something we got to live with. Even if I am still struggling with this one to this day.
Hopefully a change in scenery can help me. Well, I say a change but it's more like a return. I'm going back to my hometown of Sainan. So many memories there, even if some are a little painful. People might ask, why go back? Well, it's hard to say. My heart just felt like I shouldn't go out into the world alone just yet. Or really because my family wants to see after so long. Haha, what will they ever do without me?
Hopefully this time around I can leave smiling. I won't know for sure until I finally get out there. Here's to me getting my life back together. However hard it may be...
AN:
It's been a long time, hasn't it guys? Almost two years since I actually uploaded anything. And almost a year since I decided to focus solely on myself.
Well, this is an attempt at a comeback and hopefully things turn out better than last time. Oh yea, before I forget. Yes, you're not meant to know who's talking. Don't worry you'll know eventually. Well hopefully you'll know.
Looking for a beta btw Oh and tell me about any mistakes. Sort of brought this out w/o really wanting to look it over. I just wanted it out asap.
Til next time guys.
Yeah I know I suck at summaries... It's been awhile dammit.
