The Legend of Zelda: The Legend of the Eternity Jewel
The Legend of Zelda: The Legend of the Eternity Jewel's Disclaimer: I did NOT make some of the charaters of the Legend of Zelda. I only made 2 and the fairy's name.
Wing one.
Hey, it's me, the fairy. You know. The damn fairy that follows Link everywhere he goes while looking for his high maintenance bitch, Zelda. Well, she always gets kidnapped, and I'm about sick of it. She needs to get a little bit of protection. A bow and arrows, bombs, pack a forty-five, sniper rifle, something. Personally, I'll get the sniper. Anyway, she gets kidnapped like seasons, and as usual, Link tries to rescue her, and as usual, I follow, follow, FOLLOW, up the hills, in freezing waters, and down hot active volcanoes.
Zelda must be doing something to him because whenever he gets an e-mail saying:
Link, I have Zelda. I'll be in the Forbidden Fortress, and I'll be waiting.
XOXO,
Gannondorf
He runs to the rescue. Lucky bitch.
Something has been tugging at my wings, though. Why, after every e-mail, Gannondorf always puts "XOXO, Gannondorf"? Is he queer? Does Link like Zelda because he's desperate as hell? Who in their right mind will follow Link down active volcanoes? Who has the answers to all of my damn questions?
Anyway, it all began at Link's house. I was sleeping peacefully on the window seal until Link's annoying ring tone came on. You know his theme song, Apocalyptica. His received message is the Super Mario Brothers' theme song. Many people might like both, but trust me get gets annoying after a while. Anyway, I picked up the phone and looked at the screen. It was King Hyrule, and I knew what he wanted. So, without looking, I threw the phone over my head, hoping to break it.
"Careful with my stuff, Ka'an," said a voice that belonged to Link.
I turned around and saw the cell phone glued to his ear.
Damn king, I thought bitterly. Get someone else to look for your bitchy daughter. What in the hell do you the FBI is for? Pansy parties?
"Uh huh… Yeah… Right, I'll be right there," Link hung up the phone and looked at me. Well… it was more like a glare. Still he's hot. "Ka'an," he said gently. Usually, that came before I'LL KILL YOU! But… "Zelda is dieing…"
Inside, I was dancing a victory dance. "W-what happened, Link?" I asked with fake concern.
"I don't know. The king wants me there. So, I'll know then."
"So, they don't want me around?"
"You can come if you want."
I flew to him and put my comforting hands on his cold nose. "Nah, you go ahead. I'll wait 'til you get back."
Link smiled as he lifts his finger so I can sit on it. "He might want me to do something."
"Then, come back to get me."
Link nodded. "I'll be back in a few."
Now, Link has Zelda on the brain as he dashes out the house, and the little victory dance that was playing in my head came out. "Link wants to go see Zelda," I began to sing. "But guess what… THE BITCH IS DEAD! THE BITCH IS DEAD? THE BITCH… The bitch is dead?" Then it hit me. I stopped dancing and realized that something wasn't right. She never dies! What the bitch?!
I shot out the house in search of Link, repeating his name in my thoughts. I bumped into a few people as I headed towards the castle, and of course, I drowned them with apologizes.
Finally, I get to the castle, and ran into the oh-so-famous invisible wall. I rubbed my head and sent lovely curse words to the head honcho, King Hyrule, but lucky him the wall is sound proof.
I searched for my little opening that I made not too long ago and went pass the wall. I get inside and it really felt like death. Everything was so still. No one was around. No guards to stop me. No annoying short guy with glasses the size off Texas. No one.
"Link!" His name echoed as slowly flew down the halls of Hyrule. "Dammit, Link! Where are you?!"
All of a sudden, a bottle trapped me. Just out of curiosity, well, and rage, I turned around to see who the culprit is. It just so happened to be one of my least favorite people, King Hyrule. "You live to serve the princess, right?" questioned the king.
"Well," I said with anger in my voice. "I live to serve Link and nobody else. Got that, old man?"
The bastard had put a cork on the bottle so I would get out. I saw this happen to my cousins with Link. He used them for their healing powers and always gave them thanks. Well, I do the same thing, but no only I healed him, I revived him every time he would get a Continue? on the screen. Though, it's been a little over a year since he caught me, and I've always wondered why did he keep me around. Maybe it's because I dress totally different than the others.
King Hyrule puts the bottle to his face. "You will heal my daughter, wench."
"What you call me, fat ass?"
I never did get along with royalty. They think they rule every aspect of life, like they own all once you're in there kingdom, but I have to say that King Hyrule was a pretty kind, benevolent kind. I guess that what I thought. I can see his true ugly interior now that his daughter was dead, dieing, or whatever.
"I don't heal people I don't like."
"What?!" A vein looked like it was trying to escape from the heat that was rushing to head. "You dare defy your princess?!" Now, his whole head was red and the glass was starting to fog from his putrid breath.
"Listen! She's not my damn princess! So leave me alone!"
King Hyrule shook the bottle, which made me choke on my own dust. That is the ultimate insult to a fairy. I mean, it's just like when a wife is on a diet or something and the husband thinks she looks fine and doesn't support her and buys all of this junk food, knowing that she would attack it like a wild monkey. Anyway, I was insulted.
"Okay, okay! I'll do something!" I said. Like put her out of her misery. I thought to myself. "Just stop!" Fat ass did as I said, and I lost all respect for him.
King Hyrule made his way into Zelda's room and there was Link over looking at Zelda, as she was lying there motionless. Link looked like he was ready to cry like a little bitch. I kind of felt sorry for the guy. I mean, he did rescue her like twenty times, he was a hero to her, but most of all, …the bitch is dead! Wait, she's barely breathing. Damn.
I banged on the glass bottle and called his name. He didn't pass a glance at me. His eyes were too fixed upon Zelda's cold, dieing body. I kicked off the cork and flew to Link in hopes that he would take his eyes off of Zelda for once. He didn't.
"Hey! Look at me!" I yelled with all of my strength. Finally, he looked at me with sad eyes.
"Ka'an," he whispered with a crackly voice. "Can you revive her?"
I twitched. "Revive?"
"Yes."
"Like I do to you?"
"Yes."
I whispered. "Nope."
"No?" said Link with shock.
"Yeah."
"Yeah?"
"No."
"No?"
"Yeah!"
"Yeah to the no, or yeah to the yeah?"
"Yeah, no."
"What?" said King Hyrule, not understanding the way me and Link talk to each other.
"Females can't revive females with out dieing," I informed. "Find a male fairy to do it, but they usually ask for a price."
"Price? I can do price," boasted the king.
"Then are you ready to part from every thing that you own and love? Doubt it. That's why the females purposely get caught."
Some man in a white lab coat, I'm guessing a doctor or some guy from the funeral home, walks in with a folder of some sort. All attention was now set on him. "King Hyrule, I have some great news. Princess Zelda will be fine."
"Great!" said King Hyrule.
"Great!" said the Link.
Fuck! Thought the fairy ripping fur off of the mink.
"All she needs is an Infinity Jewel," continued the doctor. "It's also called the Eternity Jewel."
We looked at the doctor as if he was talking gibberish and somehow a draft of wind blew into the windowless room. "What in the hell are you talking about?" I finally said.
"Once absorbed, or taken in," He said it like we had no idea what absorbed meant, "by the body you can never die and stay youthful, or young, for all eternity, or forever. That's how it got its name, or identity."
"Don't talk to us like were complete idiots," I said bitterly.
The doctor apologized.
"So, where is this Jewel?" asked Link.
"No idea," answered the doctor. "It's a legend."
Link sighed and walked towards the door. "Let's go, Ka'an."
"Let me get this straight," I said, trying to understand. "You'll go on some wild goose chase for this chick?"
Link stopped walking and glanced over his shoulder. "She's not some chick. She holds another inside of her."
It's for Gannondorf. I thought. He takes her 'cause he wants to see his baby. I just know it. "Why else would she get herself kidnapped? Oops."
"Why would she let herself get kidnapped, Ka'an?" asked Link.
I was stuck, like quick sand stuck, and at times like these, I would love tackling something, but nothing around was my tackling size. "Um…" I said, trying to buy myself time. "Um… Can't I just say some thing without being questioned?"
Link sighs. "No, Ka'an. You can't," smirked Link. "Whatever, come on, you. We have to find this Eternity Jewel."
Something inside of me didn't want to go. I was hesitating like hell. I want this bitch dead, but I want Link to be happy.
"Are you coming?" asked Link.
I nodded which marked the new chapter in saving Princess High-Maintenance Bitch Zelda… again.
