DISCLAIMER: Not mine - all of it belongs to Disney.

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THE REFUTING, DENYING & SNEAKY DISCLAIMING BOOK OF FATHERHOOD

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AN: Yes, it's a parody – a playful poking at the overdone 'Jack has a kid' fics.

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Summary: When paternity is at issue, Jack rushes to consult a convenient tome.

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Jack: Ah, there you are, Mr. Gibbs! Quick, man, where is that book?

Mr. Gibbs: What book be that, captain?

Jack: You know, the one where I… if I should – not sayin' as I did, but possibly there's a little chance that I… maybe, might have…well…

Mr. Gibbs: Oh, that book. Were you not gonna give that to William as a wedding gift?

Jack: Only if there is a wedding, so where is said book now?

Mr. Gibbs: Likely under your bed.

Jack: Ah, so it is, thanks. (hastily retrieves it) Yes! My indispensable 21 Reliable Things To Try When A Woman Claims The Kid Is Yours!

(Opens book)

01) Run like hell the other way – yep, done that one before.

02) Pretend drunken amnesia – can't remember if I've tried that one yet.

03) Quote the 'no woman allowed aboard' rule – no, that's a guideline and didn't work well on AnaMarie.

04) Claim you are a eunuch – that would be William's reason.

05) Check to see if anyone left you an inheritance – uh, check with whom?

06) Check to see if they have an inheritance – oh, good one.

07) Bribe the mother to stay away – with what?

08) Blackmail the mother to stay away – again, with what?

09) Find the real father – oh, that's where the blackmailin' comes in!

10) Hire a man to be the father – Sure, right after I raid the King of England's vault.

11) Hire another woman to be a mother – that's just too much bloody work.

12) Present the child to Calypso as a gift – interesting, but the mother might object.

13) Offer clever nautical names for babies – Well, I do like the sea turtle one.

14) Change your address – what, from upper deck to lower deck?

15) Change your name – hmm, that looks like my handwriting.

16) Lie like your sanity depends on it – oh, that's truly helpful.

17) Pretend hearing loss – and then what, find myself a trained parrot?

18) Claim poor parenting skills – I wonder if me mum is still in Madagascar?

19) Claim no parenting skills – that would require a visit to my father - again.

20) Fake your own death – arggh, who was faking it last time?

21) Arrive extremely late – hours after mother with child went home – Ah, I like it. No mess or bother, thought or unnecessary loss of money!.

Jack: Mr. Gibbs, we have a new heading!

Mr. Gibbs: Aye, captain. So it's to be Number 21 again, then?

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FIN