Hello all! This is my first DBZ fanfic--in fact, it's my first fanfic on this site at all. I decided that the best way to start out would be with a humorous fic; hence, this thing. It's based on an idea I got at 1 AM, which may account for some of the bizarreness of it. It takes place inbetween the destruction of Majin Buu and the brief glimpse of the future seen at the end of DBZ. It's largely from Vegeta's perspective. Enjoy!

***

Many people know of the great enemies fought and defeated by the Earth's Special Forces. The memories of Cell and Buu are all too fresh in their minds--albeit, memories changed and twisted by a shameless self-promoter. Some of the old-timers are priviliged enough to remember the battle against Piccolo Dai-Mao.

But very few "civilians" are aware of the journey to Namek and the epic struggle against Freeza. And thus, if they were to witness what was about to happen on the planet New Namek, it would mean very little to them--aside from seeing an enormous dragon appear, that is.

***

Hm. Perhaps some backstory is needed, at this point.

A few years ago, the matriarchs of the Son and Briefs dynasties decided that their respective families needed to see each other more than simply to spar. Thus, after much planning, they organized a way to make sure they got together peacefully at least twice a year.

The Namekian Dragonball Hunt.

The Nameks had no real desire for the Dragonballs themselves--they were basically a peaceful people--and so Elder Muri agreed that, every 180 days, that Porunga, the dragon of Namek, could be summoned to grant three wishes. Elder Muri's one request was that the wishes not be for anything violent. Everyone happily agreed, except for Vegeta, who looked disappointed.

Word of this had spread to the friends and allies of the two families, and soon it had turned into a semi-annual outing for the whole gang.

***

Here's how the rules work:

Everyone who desired to get their wishes granted wrote their name on a piece of paper and dropped it in a hat. Goku, who could be trusted not to cheat, would shake the hat around and then draw out a name.

The person chosen would then, by means of Goku's Instant Transmission, be dropped off on New Namek, equipped with Bulma's Dragon Radar and whatever they had on them. That person then had twenty-four hours to scour the planet for the Namekian Dragon Balls. This was not usually a problem, as most of them were either planet-destroying demi-gods or equipped with the latest in Capsule Technology. Goku would remain near them, ready to help in case something went wrong.

Once all seven of the Dragonballs were collected, Goku would bring the rest of the "crowd" to Namek to watch as, with Dende's help, the dragon Porunga was summoned and the three wishes were granted.

***

There. Enough backstory.

The first winner of the contest had been Juuhachigou--Android #18--who had wished for fifty million zeni, a whole new wardrobe, and fifty million more zeni.

The second winner had been Trunks. He had wished for a big sword, another big sword for Goten so they could duel (much to the despair of Chi-Chi and Bulma), and a wish to see someone Trunks remembered only as a vague memory from his childhood. As it turned out, this had been an alternate reality version of himself, who seemed to be extremely shocked when confronting himself. The two Saiyan hybrids had talked for a while, and then they had engaged in a friendly bout of sparring before Porunga had returned him to the future.

The third winner had been Vegeta. As the others watched a bit nervously, Vegeta rubbed his gloved hands and looked almost...happy (Bulma noted that this was rare).

***

"Porunga, mighty dragon, hear my words!" Vegeta had shouted up at the enormous beast. "My first wish is for myself to rule the universe as head of a new Saiyan Emp--"

He had stopped at a lancing look from Bulma. "New Saiyan Empire? Oh, come on. Too much of a hassle."

"Change that. I wish for myself, my mate, and my offspring to be immort--"

Bulma gave him another look. "And watch as all our friends wither and die? Yeah, nice and cheerful. Next."

"Baka. In that case, I wish to receive power equal to that of Kakarot's, and the ability to go the third level of Super Saiyan!"

He had managed to yell this out before Bulma could stop him.

Porunga spoke in a deep voice. "Your wish...is granted."

The prince of all Saiyans felt a tremendous power enter him. It felt...excellent. He couldn't wait to go to the third level and fight Kakarot, but the angry glare Bulma was giving him informed him that he was in for it big time.

"My second wish is for me to always know what my mate will want for any...holidays," he managed to squeeze out the word, "so I may get her the best gift possible."

"Your wish...is granted."

Vegeta didn't feel any different, but then he thought *What does she want for her birthday?* and he immediately got an answer inside his head. He grinned. *Excellent, I won't repeat the fruitcake fiasco.*

He risked a glance over. Bulma looked slightly mollified, while the others were staring in frank amazement; but Vegeta could not ascertain whether this was because of his new power or the fact he had used a wish on Bulma.

He pondered what his third wish should be. Suddenly, he had a great idea, one that would provide him with years of amusement.

He waved his family over, and before they could speak, he had them arranged in what he could remember as the most ridiculous camera pose he could remember.

*Let's see...how did Kakarot do it? Ah, yes.*

He slipped an arm around his wife, and shoved Trunks in front of them.

"Now, dragon, here is my wish..."

***

Hell. It is not a nice place. Of course, it's inhabitants are not nice people.

But every now and then someone mystically inclined would send mail to one of the inhabitants, so occasionally a delivery ogre would be sent by Lord Enma to give the recipients their mail.

"Mail call! Ok, is there a Mr. Freeza here?"

Freeza jerked his head up. Mail? For him?

"That would be me, you fool."

"Got some mail for you. Also...let me see...King Cold, Cell, Jeice, Baata, Recoome, Guldo, Zarbon, Dodoria, Kiwi, and Babidi? You all got mail."

The various cosmic villains lined up to receive their mail.

"Who in the cosmos would be writing to us?" asked King Cold.

"I do not know, but by the Grand Kaio, he had better have a good reason," snarled Cell.

Freeza opened his envelope, and removed the contents. It was not a letter, but a photograph. That fool Vegeta was standing, smiling a ridiculous grin. He had an arm wrapped around a woman, and in front of them--

A small purple-haired boy.

Freeza choked in rage. But that was not all. There was also some writing on the photograph.

"I hope you all are enjoying your stay. See me when you get out. Love, Vegeta and FAMILY."

The roars of rage could be heard throughout all of Hell.

***

Vegeta held out his hands as a photograph, taken through the power of Porunga himself, fell into his hands. He looked at it, and laughed at the looks of mingled anger, fear, and hatred on the faces of Hell's worst inhabitants. Later, after he had returned to Capsule Corporation, he had had it blown up and hung over his bed.

***

Vegeta smiled at the memory. This time, it had been Kakarot--the one the others called Son Goku--who had won. Vegeta was interested in seeing what he would wish for.

"Well, in all this sparring I've been doing, my gi's keep getting destroyed. So my first wish is for a lifetime supply of these gi's, like the one I'm wearing now."

"Your wish...is granted."

Vegeta rolled his eyes. *Only Kakarot...*

"Where are they?"

"At your home on Earth."

Vegeta smirked. That would be interesting, to see hundreds--if not thousands--of gi's cramming Kakarot's home. He might have to take a detour to see it.

"My second wish is for the Kaio of this quadrant, North Kaio-sama, to be returned to life, along with his friends Bubbles and Gregory."

"Your wish...is granted."

"My third wish is for all the food I can eat."

"That wish...cannot be granted. It is beyond my power to do so."

Vegeta let out a small laugh, and he was not the only one to do so; most of those gathered there were laughing at the bewildered Saiyan.

"Well then...hmm, third wish...I got it! You knew, one of the things I regret is I never really got to know my family."

Bulma whispered to Vegeta, "Watch this. He'll probably wish for his grandfather, Son Gohan, to return to life." The Namekian Dragonballs had no limit on who they could revive, nor on how long the desired person was dead.

"So I wish for my father Bardock and my brother Raditz to be returned to life. In fact, I'd like to learn more about Saiyans, so restore those two as well as the Saiyan known as Nappa and place them here."

Everyone stared for a moment. Kakarot had never even met his father, but had merely heard of him through Vegeta. Both Raditz and Nappa had tried to kill him. And he wanted them REVIVED?

"Your wish...is granted."

The dragon vanished in a huge burst of light, and the seven Dragonballs flew to far distant points of New Namek.

Then, three figures suddenly appeared. One looked for all the world like a clone of Kakarot. That would be Bardock.

Another had very long, spiky black hair. That would be Raditz, Kakarot's brother and the other son of Bardock.

The last was tall, muscular, and bald. That would be Nappa, Vegeta's "bodyguard" and partner.

They were laying on the ground. Bardock was the first to rise, and his gaze fell first on his son.

"Who...who are you?"

"Are you Bardock?"

"Yes, that's me."

"Great! My name is Goku, but you would probably call me Kakarot."

"Ka...Kakarot? My son?"

"So I hear."

"But what happened? I thought Freeza had killed me."

"He did. It's a long story--"

There was a grunt. Nappa had risen to his feet. As everyone stood back a bit to watch, Nappa also saw Kakarot.

"Uhh...you! What are you doing here?!"

Another grunt. Raditz had risen as well.

"Brother! What?!"

Bardock looked back at his other son.

"Raditz...is that you? Yes, I recognize you by your hair."

Vegeta smirked; that was one thing about full-blooded Saiyans. Once it was fully grown, their hair didn't grow anymore, at all. And if cut, it would not grow back; that explained Nappa.

"Father? What are YOU doing here?!"

The four Saiyans began to bombard one another with questions, while everyone else watched in amusement. Soon, however, Vegeta began to grow impatient.

"Shut up, you fools!"

At the sound of his voice, Raditz and Nappa immediately whirled to face him and dropped to one knee. Bardock turned around to see who it was, then knelt as well. Kakarot simply looked puzzled.

"Vegeta? Why are they kneeling?"

"I'm their prince, they have to kneel. As should you," he added nastily.

"But...but my father hasn't seen you in years, how does he know you?"

Vegeta smirked and pointed to his hair. "This type of hair is found only in the royal bloodline. It immediately identifies the Saiyan in question as royalty."

He turned to Bardock, Nappa, and Raditz. "You may rise."

"Thank you, sire," said Bardock. Then he appeared to notice something. "Sire, what happened to your tail?"

"I lost it in a great battle--"

Kakarot interrupted him. "Yajirobe, the one over there, cut it off."

There was a moment while everyone tried to make room in their minds that this fat little man could cut off the tail of a Saiyan super-elite. They couldn't. They began to snicker.

"BAKA! SHUT UP!"

"S...sorry, Vegeta," said Nappa, trying not to laugh.

"And it wasn't just him. I was fighting him, Kakarot, Kakarot's brat, and that short little man over there at the same time."

Bardock looked interested. "Kakarot's brat? He has a son?"

"Yes. That's him over there." He gestured in the general direction of Gohan, who was watching curiously with Videl and Mr. Satan.

Bardock walked over to Goku. As Mr. Satan crouched behind a convenient rock, Videl took Gohan's arm.

"Ah. So you're my grandson. What's your name?"

"Gohan, sir."

"Gohan, sounds like a good name. And is this your mate?"

"Umm, you could put it like that sir. Her name is Videl." The look Videl shot him told him he was going to pay for that one.

"Good, good. I guess you're only half-Saiyan, so you can't be as strong as your father, but let's see what you've got."

Vegeta tried--unsuccessfully--to hide a smirk. Nappa spoke up.

"Bardock, you idiot, we found out that half-Saiyans are STRONGER than full bloods."

Bardock looked shocked. "Stronger?"

"Yes," said Raditz. "I found out the hard way."

Kakarot turned to Vegeta. "Um, isn't Nappa mad at you for killing him?"

"No, he is a Saiyan warrior. He understands. Right, Nappa?"

Nappa looked ambivalent.

"RIGHT, NAPPA?" Vegeta growled.

"Yes, of course sire."

Bulma spoke up. "Goku, did you give any thought as to what you're going to DO with these three? You can't just let three Saiyans roam the universe unchecked."

Kakarot looked puzzled. "Um...well, we have room for one more at my house...Father?"

Chi-Chi erupted. "WHAT? I'm already having to feed and look after you, me, my father, and Goten! And now you want me to add your father?!

"Yeah...if it's not too much trouble."

Chi-Chi sighed. "Sure...why not."

Bulma spoke up. "And there's room enough at Capsule Corp for you two...as long as you behave yourselves."

Nappa grinned. "Oh, of course. No trouble at all."

"Well then," said Kakarot, "let's go back."

"Wait a moment," said Vegeta. "I want to speak to you. All of you full-blooded Saiyans."

The five of them walked a short distance away from the rest of the Earth's Special Forces.

"Any idea what they're talking about?" said Kuririn.

"No," said Yamcha, "but I have to admit, I don't like the idea of those two back. Or Bardock. They could cause trouble."

***

When Vegeta had stopped the group, Nappa was the first to speak up.

"Let me guess, you want to lay down the sleeping arrangements with the blue-haired female. Fine by--"

In the blink of an eye, Vegeta had grabbed Nappa's throat in his hand.

"You could put it like that. She is MINE. I have taken her as my mate and--by the customs of Earth--my wife."

Raditz looked stunned. "Mate? Y-you took a MATE?"

Kakarot was puzzled, not too uncommon for him. "Is something wrong?"

Bardock spoke up, and he sounded confused also. "Among Saiyans, normally only the lower-class warriors such as myself take mates. The elites, such as his Highness, can take any female they wish and do thus not usually bother with mates."

Kakarot smiled cheerfully at Vegeta. "Aww. You must really care about her, huh Vegeta?"

"SHUT UP KAKAROT!"

***

Kakarot had gathered them all up in a group for the Instant Transmission, although Raditz had expressed some nervousness at the idea of travelling with Piccolo.

Once back on Earth, they had gone their separate ways.

***

Capsule Corporation. After being introduced to Dr. and Mrs. Briefs, Raditz and Nappa had been taken on a tour by Vegeta.

"And finally, your sleeping quarters. I presume you idiots know how to work devices such as sinks and lamps?"

After curt nods from both, he demanded, "Give me your armor. Both of you."

"What?" they replied.

"Give me your armor. After the...MESSES we caused the first time we arrived here, full Saiyan battle armor is not exactly welcome. I can get my mate to create new sets like the one I wear. In the meantime, I'll find you some clothes."

Vegeta strode away thinking *Now what can I get them? None of my "BADMAN" shirts I use for civilian outings will fit them. Baka. It looks like I'll have to ask the woman to...to help me shop.*

He shuddered.