Cutler
I look at you and I feel nothing, see nothing and I can't remember why you intimidated me. I feared you, hated you yet loved you at the same time. I wanted your respect, your friendship and I wanted you to be proud of me. Everything I did, everything I have done has been for you. Even though you were gone I still wanted to impress you, do something worthy of you.
I longed to hear anything but disappointment or contempt in your voice. I used to lay awake at night and wonder if you thought I was a mistake. I was terrified of the day you realised you no longer wanted me. You used to look right through me, ignore me when I spoke and leave a room when I walked into it. But I carried on.
I worked harder and harder to make you see me, to make you love me.
I threw away everything else I had ever loved for you. And what I didn't get rid of you managed to destroy anyway. All I wanted was one "good job" or a "well done". Would that really have been too hard to say?
It was your fault. You made me into a history maker, you lifted your expectations of me but no matter how hard I tried I was never going to fulfil them. You made me feel all of that. Made my life a confusion for years. I finally have a purpose, a plan that I'm following. I'm in control. I know how this is going to plan out. I am going to be a history maker.
And then you walk in and stand there like none of that matters. You're different though. You still don't care about me, you still look through me and you still seem disappointed. But your anger, your hatred, your evil is missing. That's what always made me afraid of you. I never knew what you were going to do and most of what you did was horrific. Now though, I know I'm safe. I'm bulletproof.
I'm the one with the power; I'm the one with the control. Seeing you there after 55 years and you still don't give a dam. I'm filled with your old rage, your old hatred and I remember your old evil. You have disappointed me, you haven't worked hard enough, it's you this time who got everything wrong. I am going to make you feel how I used to feel, so you know what you did to me.
But I still want your praise, I still want you to be there to guide me if I need it and I've missed you. Most of all I just want to talk, to tell you everything and hear what happened to you, but I know that won't happen. I've spent most of my life dreaming of things that will never happen so one more thing won't hurt. I guess that's love though.
Our twisted relationship. Built on fear and need rather than trust and true love. What we had was always one sided and even now it still is. To me you will always be my father, the man I love above all others because you are family. To you I will always be the mistake that you could never dispose of, the burden you never wanted to bare. I will never be your son. And that hurts.
One day I will finally do something that will make you happy, and you will at least see me as your friend. One day you'll think back to the time we spent together and you will remember the few good memories. One day, if only for a second, you'll miss me.
And I will finally find my happiness.
