KK: Ok I should be working on 'From Front to Back' but there's not enough suicidal!Bertholdt and I need it or else I will explode. I'm sorry Bertholdt. It's just too tempting.
Canon!AU, though it (usually) never takes place in the same 'universe'-of-sorts. Expect spoilers.
'It always starts out with that feeling of dread,' Bertholdt thought, staring down at his hands. It morphed into pain, and then despair. It made him sink. He knew he should get help, but it was related to that. The killing, the blood. Reiner was already loosing it and Annie was certainly not doing that well keeping it to herself. He could just tell someone, but at the same time he knew he couldn't. Annie, Reiner and he would just be taken off and killed if he said anything.
...If Annie and Reiner weren't involved, it wouldn't be a problem. Bertholdt would be more than happy to cart himself to die. It was no secret-to Annie, at least-how much Bertholdt hated himself, and how much he cared for Reiner. And Reiner couldn't know. Bertholdt wouldn't let him; he'd rather die beforehand. Then again, he'd rather die either way.
And maybe he could. While going through the medical herbs, Bertholdt had found one of the last plants he'd expect to find in a separate bag. Hemlock.
At first, he panicked. Why was there Hemlock with medical herbs?! Was it mistaken for Parsley or something similar!? It could seriously hurt someone! A pause. It could even kill someone. No, it would kill someone if ingested.
A small grin settled upon Bertholdt's face. Oh.
And it would've been perfect if one of the instructors hadn't found it. They'd been in the middle of practice when Bertholdt found himself being called over and the bag of Hemlock being held up. "Really, Hoover?" The instructor hissed, "'This is just parsley'?! You could've killed yourself!" It was obvious nobody was listening, but Bertholdt still looked over his shoulder to where Reiner and Marco were sending him confused and worried looks. Eren and Connie, their respective sparring partners, looked indifferent. Eren must have made some comment on the matter as Connie burst out into laughter.
Jean, Bertholdt's own sparring partner, was beckoned over as the generally mellow, much taller teen stared down at his feet. "We have to talk to Bertholdt about some things," the instructor supplied, "So it was agreed that you have the rest of this session off. Feel free to do what you'd like, as long as you are in the courtyard." If he had to guess, Bertholdt would say Jean looked pleased. But he didn't dare look up, for the fear of his doubt showing was overwhelming.
The instructor turned and motioned for Bertholdt to follow. With one quick glance over his shoulder, Bertholdt could already feel the despair creeping in.
"Where did you find this?" Was the first question. Afraid to answer, Bertholdt simply stared at his hands. When it became obvious he wouldn't answer that, the question switched over to 'were you intending to hurt and kill other trainees?' Bertholdt managed to shake his head.
"And yourself?" The reaction of his body tensing up was unstoppable at this point. The instructor-her name was unknown, but Bertholdt decided to call her Carol-sighed and clasped a hand on his shoulder. "If you're getting stressed out, you can come talk to someone," she mumbled.
"I-I'm ok," he managed. "I don't need to-"
"You obviously do, Hoover," Carol interrupted, "You were going to poison yourself." Bertholdt winced. 'And I would've gotten away with it, too. Dammit...' He mumbled. Upon realizing he'd said that aloud, the teen froze.
There was no escaping from being put in the hospital section now.
KK: First half of the chapter finished! Expect part two innnn a few chapters. Huh.
