Everything is over. The Games, the interviews, all the terror, being so afraid… it's all finally over and we are on our way back home. Not to those fancy Capitol apartments but District 12. It's only been a few weeks but due to all the things that happened, it feels like it's been an entire lifetime since I've been home. This whole thing has been so unbelievable and I never thought that I'd set foot on District 12 again, that I'd ever see my home, my family, and my friends. But I am. I'm going home, I'm going to be safe again.
I look to my right and smile at the sight of Katniss beside me. Not only am I going back to District 12. I'm going back to District 12 with her, the girl I love, and somehow she managed to open her heart to me, too. Despite the horrible things we've been through these past few weeks, we still managed to find love. All of this is so surreal. I take Katniss' hand, play with our fingers, and smile at her.
"What are you smiling about?" she asks me, punching my shoulder.
"I don't know. I'm just really happy I'm going home… with you," I say, grinning. I can feel myself blushing.
"Oh, haha," is all she says, forcing a small laugh. She doesn't look at me anymore but she didn't stop holding my hand.
Weeeell, I wasn't expecting that reaction. What did I do? Is what I said wrong?
Suddenly, the train stops. A voice with a strong and silly Capitol accent announces we are stopping for some fuel. "You may go down the train if you wish," the voice says, "You have one hour to enjoy the sights, get some fresh air."
"Come on," Katniss says, pulling me towards the door.
I don't refuse her invitation. We go down and as soon as the wind blows, we feel great and free again. We walk by the tracks. There are a lot of plants and flowers growing by it and I realize that this is the perfect time to make it up to Katniss, if ever I did something that upset her earlier. Maybe I was too cheesy or pushy awhile ago? Katniss goes around and looks at the trees and ocean, and I bend down to pick some flowers. Well, I don't really know if they're flowers. They're pink-and-white though and they look pretty good.
"What are you doing?" Katniss asks, leaning down on me.
I give her a small kiss and hand her the flowers, "For you, Ms. Everdeen."
She laughs and says, "Thank you." She kisses me on the forehead.
I sigh. A happy sigh. She isn't mad at me, I didn't do anything to upset her. She looks pleased with my offering, actually. But I wonder what's troubling her… or maybe I'm just over thinking this whole thing. Maybe nothing is wrong. She's just probably tired. We keep walking, hand in hand, just quiet. It's a strange silence but…
"What's wrong?" I blurt out, not able to handle it anymore.
"Nothing," she whispers.
Silence. Just silence afterwards, with a mix of suspense. This is killing me. Suddenly, Haymitch appears. He puts his hands on our backs and says in a low voice, "Great job, you two. Just keep it up in the district until the cameras are gone. We should be okay," and he heads back to the train. What is he talking about? I look to Katniss at my side and she looks absolutely paralyzed and afraid.
"What does he mean?" I ask her.
"It's the Capitol. They didn't like our stunt with the berries," she says, not looking at my eyes.
What? "What are you talking about, Katniss?" I say, confused.
"It was all too rebellious. So, Haymitch has been coaching me the last few days. So I didn't make it worse," she says.
Suddenly, a picture of Haymitch telling Katniss what exactly to do and say flashes in my head, "He's coaching you? But not me," I say, my voice rising a little.
"He knew you were smart enough to get it right," she says, a tiny bit defensively.
Get what right? "I didn't know there was anything to get right."
I think about this whole thing. They've been keeping secrets from me again. Why am I always left out? And what is she saying about getting things right? What was there to perfect? The thought of Haymitch coaching Katniss runs through my mind again. All this time, they had some strategy worked out. To help us win, maybe. But I didn't know. A harsh realization strikes me. Perhaps, the Katniss I know isn't the real Katniss after all. Maybe it was all this stupid strategy, this stupid plan.
"So," I begin again, "What you're saying is, these last few days… and in the arena, I'm guessing… that was just some plan, some strategy you worked out with Haymitch?"
"No… I mean…" she stammers, "I couldn't even talk to him in the arena."
"No, you couldn't," I say, "But you knew what he wanted you to do, right?"
She doesn't answer. I am brought back to the Games. All the times she took care of me, all those kisses, all those hugs, all those nights we spent sleeping together so we can protect each other from nightmares… that was a lie? And all those things she said in interviews about how she couldn't live without me and that she was desperate to keep me with her… that was part of a strategy too? All of this was a lie? All of this… all of my happiness… is just a lie?
I let go of her hand and manage to say, "It was all for the Games. How you acted." It hurt to say that, but it's the truth.
"Not all of it," she says, gripping onto the flowers I gave her.
"Then how much, Katniss?" I say, my voice rising a little, "No, that's the wrong question, forget that. I guess what the right question is… What's going to be left when we get home?"
"I don't know, Peeta. The closer we get to District 12, the more confused I get," she says, quietly.
I wait for her to say more. To tell me that she does love me, but she's not sure how much. That she will find a way to love me, maybe. That she will figure all of this out soon. I wait for her to explain to me everything, to not hide all the secrets anymore, if there are any. I wait for her to say more. I wait for her to say anything. But she doesn't. She doesn't know what she feels, she doesn't know if she's ever going to work this out. But I do. I know that I love her, that I care about her. She knows that, too. But I guess that isn't enough for her.
"Well," I say, trying to be strong, "Let me know when you work it out."
I walk back to the train, not even looking back to look at her again. She doesn't even chase after me or scream my name. She doesn't ask me to stop and come back. I'm that easy to get rid of, huh? But why would it be hard for her in the first place anyway right? It's not like what she felt for me was real. It's not like she was happy and in love. She's not me. I get on the train and Haymitch is just sitting on the couch, drinking. We look at each other for a minute, in silence. He's just looking at me blankly and I give him a cold look and retreat to my bedroom, slamming my door.
I take off my clothes and lie down on my bed. I try not to think of anything, especially about the situation right now, but it's so useless. Soon enough, I am thinking about all we've been through in the arena. I thought it was all genuine care, love and sympathy Katniss showed me. I thought it was real love. But no. She was probably thinking I was some dead weight she had to carry around for her sake. To give a good show. Just to survive. I probably do owe Katniss and Haymitch my life… but was this the only way to allow us to live? To lie to everyone in Panem? To lie to me? The tears follow and soon enough, the heavy feeling in my chest, the numbing pain all over my body come… and I drift off to sleep, desperate to escape the pain all around me.
