A/N: A one-shot about how creepy Lemony Snicket is and his stange writing tendencies, such as explaining words, summarizing entire stories, using pointless, confusing metaphors almost randomly, referencing his crime life, and never really explaining anything.
Instant Messaging Lemony Snicket Jimmy: hey lemony! hows it going?
Lemony: I'm quite miserable – a word which here means sad.
Jimmy: I know what miserable means haha! Y are you sad?
Lemony: Beatrice!
Jimmy: wat about her? Nice girl.
Lemony: It's amazing that pigs will eat most anything, but still prefer some things to others.
Jimmy: wat does that have to do with anything?
Lemony: Oh, I am sorry. One of the people downstairs got their tape off. Mr. Spud gun, where are you…
Lemony is idle
Lemony: I am back.
Jimmy: what just happened
Lemony: Nothing for you to concern yourself with.
Jimmy: ok haha. So wat about Beatrice
Lemony: I feel as though I'm a lemon and she is squeezing me, letting my very life force flow out.
Jimmy: what did she do?
Lemony: Astonishing!
Jimmy: yes?
Lemony: The cats are now working as a team to get the cat leader out of the jello!
Jimmy: how did the cat get in the jello in the first place
Lemony: It was a series of experimental events.
Jimmy: you experimented on your cat!?
Lemony: It was a humane-which, in this case, means "not completely banned by terms of law"- process.
Jimmy: r u kidding
Lemony: A young boy rarely questions the father, despite his curiosity, as he knows that his father understands the world far better.
Jimmy: dude, I'm older than you. And I still don't understand these metaphors.
Lemony is idle
Jimmy: hey where'd u go
Lemony: Where you go does not matter, where you've went does.
Jimmy: where did you went most recently
Lemony: I had to re-encrypt my wireless network so as to make certain the information placed on it could not be extracted- which, in this case, means taken by Interpol.
Jimmy: why would Interpol want info from you
Lemony: And, as I sat here choosing not to respond to any of your questions, I began to ponder over what has happened since I began talking to you. I thought about how I had informed you of my mood, fixed the scenario of the man getting tape off his mouth, catalogued the cat's progress, and ,finally, encrypted my wireless network.
Jimmy: yeh, I know, ive been here this whole time, I didn't forget anything already
Lemony: Oh, god, the police are here. I need you to remember the combination 3XZ78W4 for me. Although it will never show up again, I will give it to you solely for the sake of being cryptic.
Jimmy: cya
Lemony: Good-bye.
Lemony is offline
