Inspired by this prompt

After poor mister hamster's near run in with an animal shelter, Shepard decides that the space hamster must be taken to a space therapist to deal with such a traumatic experience. Shepard's crew begins to wonder if Shep had been drunk the entire time.

Double points if someone other than Shep tries to pick up the hamster and it goes for the eyes.

The last part made a plot bunny appear in my brain. So here you go...


Artemis Shepard looked at her clone. They were both dangerously close to the open cargo bay doors and the rest of her squad were mopping up the mercs. There was a scream as a merc went flying over their heads and off the Normandy. Hmm... definitely Kaidan's handiwork. She could tell that he was slightly annoyed, well this merc group had tried to kill his girlfriend, of course he was allowed to be annoyed. Anyway, currently she and her clone were in an stand-off, pistol's trained on each other. Then suddenly Artemis' pistol was shot out of her hands. Her clone smiled.

"Looks like your helpless now..." Said the clone smugly but was surprised when Artemis merely crossed her arms.

"No I'm not." The clone was so focused on her that she didn't notice Arty fish something out of her pocket.

"You know you can't draw and shoot in time..."

"I won't attack you, somebody you pissed off though..." Artemis immediately threw up a barrier then flung a small, black bundle of fur towards her clone.

"GO FOR THE EYES, KAIDAN! GO FOR THE EYES!" Kaidan the Hamster latched onto the clone and began scrabbling away at her eyes. The clone screamed and began stumbling backwards towards the ramp. At the last moment, the hamster jumped off and hurried back to his owner. The clone had been on the very edge and there was a shrill scream as she fell backwards and to her doom.

"Good boy!" Artemis scooped up her beloved hamster and held him close, gently scratching the back of his head. Cooing away to him. She turned around to see her entire team, staring at her absolutely flabbergasted. Especially Brooks who was on the floor with EDI above her, who was about to start pummeling her head to a pulp. Vega was scratching his head while Kaidan ,the human Kaidan, was simply trying to process what on earth had just happened.

"WHAT?" Asked Artemis, her team just stared back at the small vanguard, casually stroking her pet hamster, which was nibbling away on a treat.

"Lola... you brought your hamster along?" Asked Vega in disbelief.

"Did you really think I was going to leave him there? In the disposal cart? What sort of pet owner would I be?" There was a squeak from her hands, which roughly translated as 'damn straight!'. Vega merely shook his head, choosing not to ask. So did the rest of the team, just shaking their heads, the hamster had just saved the day. Kaidan stepped forward to check Artemis, he finally found the ability to speak.

"You named the hamster after me?" Artemis immediately blushed, chuckling nervously. She'd never told Kaidan the hamster's name. This could be interesting to explain...


Hence the Hamster gets revenge on the clone! Yes, in my head canon the hamster is named after Kaidan, Arty finds them quite similar in the cuteness and adorability. She hasn't told her boyfriend yet due to the awkwardness.