Disclaimer: Gundam Wing? Sure, it's mine. And also you're stupid.
Sub Rosa
Chapter One
Detangler
So gee, could anyone guess that I would pass Une's little entrance exam? It was ridiculously easy, especially since I wasn't injured from our last disaster. Of course, I relegated myself purely to deskwork and got the dubious honor of training the new recruits. Field work would probably not be good for an ex-merc with a shitload of enemies. Nope.
It seemed like no time at all before Heero was able to move in short spurts without his wheelchair, but at the same time, the two weeks I had suffered through before he got to that stage had lasted forever. I must have been an absolute terror for Heero those months I'd been recovering. I pitied him for it.
Not much else changed. Heero ordered me to leave off selling Wing, saying he wanted to be there, and what the hell? Why not. I went one afternoon and cleaned my baby up, getting up all the dried blood. The leg had been removed from the cockpit, thankfully, but the blood had caked the floor and wall and... well, it had taken so damn long that Heero had fucking ambushed me on my way into the house, and even stuck in a wheelchair that guy in pissed off mode could be scary.
I smiled at the thought as I opened the door and let myself in after work. Heero was on the sofa reading a book, easily accessible to the eyes. It had been an interesting thing to learn – I had found that the subconscious knowledge that Heero was hurt had messed with my head a bit, and I'd flipped out the first time I'd seen the wheelchair sitting unattended during one of Heero's own personal 'am-I-ready-yet?' tests.
"Welcome back," he said, his smile easy now that he had a bit more physical freedom.
"Thanks." I kicked off my shoes and went straight over to him. Heero obligingly lifted his lips for my kiss. "How are you?"
"Bored," he responded quickly, and I grinned.
"I understand your pain, Heero, but I'm giving you the same damn answer you always gave me."
He huffed at that. "How was work?"
"Boring," I supplied. "Or dull, depending on your viewpoint." I plopped down beside him and grabbed his book from his hands, careful to keep his page open, and read the back. "Heero, can't you read anything interesting? A mystery novel, or maybe some suspense? What's this 'Theory of War' crap?"
"It's interesting to me," he stated. It was a debate we'd gotten into before these past few weeks.
I handed it back to him and wiped my palm on my pants as if I'd been contaminated by the book somehow. "And more power to you on that one, Hee-chan."
"Don't call me that."
"Hee-chan. Don't move your arm so fast, Heero." I dodged his attack and glared at him. "Your fucking collarbone was broken, asshole. Don't mess yourself up again or I'll be pissed."
"Then don't irritate me."
The man had a comeback for everything.
"Une says Zechs will be finishing up his undercover work in a couple of days," I told him, knowing that would get the bastard's attention. "She says we can finally talk to him about the sent file."
"I want to be there."
Gee, hadn't expected that one. Not. "Not gonna happen," I said cheerfully. "And even better news: Quatre reports that both he and Trowa have yet to be bothered by any weird people with ridiculous abilities. I know Wufei and you want to search for them somehow, Heero, but even if I agreed with you completely I can't see how we could. It's beyond our abilities, incredible as they may be, to find a specific person who, as far as we know, could be anyone. It doesn't even make sense."
"I don't like the idea of waiting to be attacked again."
I ignored the poignant look he cast my way, the one that said, 'for you to be attacked again.' Cheeky ass. "And what else have we been freaking out about? Hm. My ship's clean and waiting for your sorry ass to let me just sell the damn thing-" I didn't think about the process of that or of how much it would hurt "-and those are our big, disastrous crises – oh! Quatre also said he wanted to hop over, and Wufei, when he heard, said he'd be stopping by soon, too, though he can't tonight because Sally Po has him taking naps in the afternoons to rest his legs, since the idiot decided to return to work early." I smirked at the thought of Wufei taking cat naps.
Heero sighed and put his book aside, not even bothering tonight to continue reading. "So are you going to lecture me about being careful with myself again?"
"Hey, man." I lightly pushed his shoulder. "It's payback for all the damn lectures you and the others always gave me. And you haven't given me a reason to tonight. Yet."
Heero snorted.
I was quiet for a while, fully comfortable with simply sitting there, Heero beside me. I thought back on the day when I went nuts over an empty wheelchair and frowned. "You know..." I started, but then sent Heero an uneasy glance.
He caught it, of course, and tilted his head. "What?"
I took a deep breath and just plunged in. "We do have a couple... personal crises... that haven't been fully, uh, panned out."
Heero was silent, considering this. "You mean the Caribol events."
What the hell? He'd titled the episode? Like it was a movie? "Yeah. Like the Caribol events. And Trowa's opinion of me – has that changed, by the way? I don't even know. And..." And then I hesitated again.
Heero's "what?" was a bit more hesitant this time.
"Well," I said cautiously, "I have no idea what... I mean, when I tried... when I chugged down the death drink, I... wrote a couple things."
Heero's eyes had done an interesting little emotion dance at my attempt at a euphemism, but when I touched on my poems, they kind of... froze. "Yes. You did."
It was weird, how I'd begun to wonder about those damn poems and Heero's... reaction wasn't the right word, but it seemed to sum it up. I found the idea of him disliking the poems rather abhorrent. What if he said I had no skill? That would be akin to him shooting a bullet through my lungs. But I also wanted to know what he thought about the... the subjects of the pieces. Most specifically the ones I'd written shortly before attempting to off myself.
I needed to work on my euphemisms.
"So – I mean, I don't want to talk about it if you don't want to," I said quickly, although I did still want to talk about it, dammit, "and you're still injured, so big giant heart-to-hearts that require any kind of crying might not be the greatest idea..." Shit, I was starting to talk myself out of it. "So..."
But Heero's eyes pierced me head-on. "No. You're right; we do need to discuss this."
Uh-oh. And why did a sudden Bad Feeling get lodged in my chest? I shoved the feeling away; I was done being the coward who ran from myself. "Yeah. Okay." Still, my palms were starting to sweat. Only a little.
"Where..." And here even Heero hesitated, "where do you want to start?"
It surprised me enough that I laughed. "Oh, I don't know. I brought up the subject of torturing ourselves, so you can pick the device. How's that?"
Heero grimaced. "Fine. Caribol."
Oh, ouch. Below the belt. My laughter died pretty much immediately. "All right."
Heero carefully rearranged himself until he was facing me on the couch. I mirrored him. Getting comfortable; that was a bad sign. "Duo, I've already apologized for my actions, but I know it needs to be said again."
I rolled my shoulders. Was it just me, or was it damn awkward to randomly start this sort of conversation? But Heero's eyes looked determined and hell if I was letting this wait. "We both have to apologize. You for tricking me, and me for... for my reaction. Heero, there's something I want to say first, something I think you and the others all need to hear."
Heero's eyes got all guarded again.
"Look, about what I said when we were leaving the hospital? About me changing?"
Heero nodded. "I remember."
"Good. It's true; I found that I've just been floating around blaming the fact that I don't know myself on all my problems, and I don't want to do that anymore. I don't want to focus on the past anymore. I... it includes what happened back... during the Caribol incident. I don't want to constantly look at you and remember..." I closed my eyes at the memory and snarled. "I want to see you as you are now – well, as you will be. Healthy." When I opened my eyes again, Heero's face was difficult for me to read. I couldn't tell if he was angry, upset, or... just thinking really hard. "I think I might have already said that, but..."
"You think we can forget?" he asked skeptically.
"No! I didn't mean that at all!" I shook my head vehemently. "I meant that you're more than that one moment. I've... been thinking about this. A lot." It came with the territory, after all, of trying to change oneself. Suddenly I'd been finding myself thinking a lot about... several things. "I want to remember, more than the memory of... of what I did, how you and I spoke in the hospital afterwards. Seeing you alive enough to punch me." I smiled a bit. "And talking to you, how you were healthy enough to do something as stupid as push the extra fucking bed in front of the door."
Heero snorted. "You want to remember that?"
"Yeah, actually." I grinned at him; good, he wasn't pissed. "And I think you'd rather remember me struggling with that damn door than think about... what I'd looked like after..." I let my voice fade completely at the pained look that echoed across Heero's face. "Yeah. Thought so."
"Don't forget, but forgive?" he asked finally, breaking a sharp silence.
"If you want to be clichéd and boring, then yeah, that'll work."
Heero snorted again.
"So, the whole Caribol Events," I said, putting little quotation marks around the title with my hands, "isn't something I want to spend apologizing for over and over. You did what you thought was best, and... and, I guess, so did I."
Those eyes of Heero's were difficult to read again. "Duo," Heero said carefully, and I had the feeling something bad was coming, "you really have changed."
I felt my gut clench. "What?"
"I've seen it, bit by bit. You threw yourself into the job at Preventors without a backwards glance, but that's not what I mean." He leaned forward, careful of his wound since I was too shocked to remember to reprimand him, and cupped my face in his hands. "You truly have become stronger." And those eyes were impossible to read again, sifting, it seemed, through several emotions. I was simply on shock overload. "I've seen a gradual change in your posture, straight and sure again. That old Maxwell cockiness." His lips flickered into a grin, but other emotions pushed it back down again.
"Heero?" My stomach was fucking quivering, not knowing if what Heero'd said – that he'd love me as long as I was me – I couldn't tell for certain whether that was true anymore or not. And it scared me. Did he want me to go back to that old me, who hated and second-guessed himself? But I didn't want to be that man anymore. I wanted... I wanted more stable footing. I wanted...
"I just wish..." And when Heero sighed, the fear turned into outright panic. "I just wish you weren't going through it all alone. Again."
...What?
His hands slid away from me, but I caught them in my own. "Wait. Heero, what...? What do you mean? Is this... some sort of bad thing?"
Heero just sighed, and that clenching feeling wouldn't go away. "Sort of, Duo, yes."
I felt my heart literally stutter. I'd known it was a big risk, changing myself so much. Becoming someone stronger. I just hadn't imagined that it would be... a bad thing. "Heero," I said shakily, "if you're not breaking up with me, now would be a good time to admit it."
Heero looked downright startled. "No," he said firmly.
Well. All right then. I clutched my chest and let out a relieved sigh before I quite knew what I was doing. "Okay. So then why...?"
"Duo, I told you from the beginning." Heero covered the hand I'd rested against my heart and stared straight into my eyes. "We – not even just me, Duo, but all of us – we're all here for you. We're here to help. We've struggled to find our own ways, our own selves, outside of the war, without losing anything about ourselves that we respected. We want to help you, Duo. Even Trowa. Don't give me that look."
I tried to not look so skeptical.
"That's what I meant, Duo. I would never want to break up with you. Watching you gain back that old confidence, becoming who you are now, it's as if I'm falling in love you all over again, and more than I had before."
I blinked, trying to process those words coming out of Heero's mouth.
"That's not to say I didn't love you before," Heero rushed, "but... Duo, don't take this wrong. Listen to what I say, all right?"
I nodded. Apparently it was my turn to be wary.
"Duo. Looking at you, interacting with you..." Heero's eyes were bright, and I could see a smile trying to take over his face. He struggled to remain serious. "It's like I'm getting my chance all over again. These past weeks, I've seen the old Duo. The one who'd shot me trying to protect a stranger he just happened across. The type who forced me to interact with other students in dormitories. The one who teased me on the battlefield. The one..." His hand gripped mine tightly, and his head fell to my chest. I hadn't even realized we'd gravitated so close to one another until his head rested warmly against our enjoined hands. "The one I'd shouted to all those years ago, promising to survive."
Fuck. I could feel tears stinging my eyes.
"Heero." I wrapped my free hand around him, ever careful of disturbing his healing clavicle, and nestled my head in his wild hair. "I'm sorry I've worried you all this time."
"You should be," he muttered, and the sarcasm surprised another burst of laughter from me.
I kissed his hair and inhaled. He smelled good. To describe the scent would hinder its unique beauty, but nonetheless my mind supplied me with the ideas of meadows and some undefinable earthy scent. Smells I'd only first gotten to scent after landing on Earth. "I am."
"I love you," Heero told me, and I smiled. We had problems that still needed to be fixed, things that needed to be said, issues to be cleared. But in the end, if we held on to our love for one another, we could bully our way through those problems.
"I love you, too, Heero. So much it hurts sometimes."
"Just sometimes?" And the second joke made me bite the man's hair.
"Hey!" He pushed up from me, glaring that familiar glare. I just grinned cheekily at him.
And the doorbell rang.
"Argh." I flopped against the couch for a second before getting up. "Stay there." I pointed at his seat on the couch, thus earning myself a second glare. Heero was rubbing at his scalp as if I'd actually done damage to him. It made me laugh.
"Shut up," he grumbled.
I was still laughing as I opened the door, but it stopped short as soon as I looked outside. I frowned, going into instant alert. There was no one there. "Fuck." I shut the door immediately. "Heero, get away from the windows." But he was already standing beside me. I growled at him. "You aren't getting involved."
"What's happening?" he asked, completely ignoring me.
"I don't know. No one's out there; I saw something on the porch and just slammed the door without thinking."
But a couple minutes passed, and still there was no explosion. Thank goodness. Une was probably sick and tired of fixing up this house.
Finally I shooed Heero off and managed to get the door open, Heero fuming and sitting on the floor rubbing his chest, which had begun to hurt during our argument over said door-opening procedures. He looked ready to jump up at the slightest provocation. I swore to myself that I wouldn't flinch even if I opened the door to a gun in my face.
There was no gun, however, and a better inspection of the porch showed nothing save a small note held down with a small rock. I picked it up and, ignoring Heero's warning growl, unfolded it and read it, closing the door and turning to Heero as I did.
Duo. From what I've heard and seen, you've managed to get yourself in a lot of trouble while I've been gone. But I owe you a favor, since you got rid of Caribol and effectively freed me. Because of that, I'll help you with your missing predecessors.
It was unsigned. I read it again. "From what I've head and seen, you've managed to get yourself in a lot of trouble. Whoever it is, he's a smartass."
"Let me read it," Heero ordered, standing again and holding out his hand for the note. I stared pointedly at the couch, and it was with a curse and a huff that he made his way over to the thing and sat down. His hand reached imperiously for the note once again.
I grinned and dangled it in front of him. "Do you think you know the guy? It's addressed to me, after all. Maybe it's another secret admirer."
We both grimaced at that.
Heero snatched the thing from my hand and read quickly. "'Since I've been gone?'" he quoted. "That's a strange way to say 'since we've seen each other.'"
"Yeah, tell me about it. And who the hell did we help by getting rid of Caribol, other than us?"
"Whoever wrote this is offering to find 'our missing predecessors.' That's pretty straightforward."
"Yeah." I thought for a minute, stretching the muscles I'd stiffened, waiting for an attack. Shit. All this crap we'd gone through was making me as paranoid as I'd been during the damn war.
"Is it someone I've met?" Heero wondered, tilting his head as he studied the note.
"Probably not," I replied honestly, "since we went different ways after the war. Unless it's someone from our personal war circle, I can't think of anyone else... but I'd tried very hard to not get involved with anyone in any way while I was out..." My brows furrowed.
Heero gasped softly. "Duo," he said softly, "I think I might have an idea as to who wrote this."
"Congrats, 'cause I don't have a clue." I plopped onto the seat and stretched out my legs. "So? Who?"
Heero's cobalt gaze slid up to mine. The note dangled a bit negligently in his hand, almost as if what he was about to tell me was surprising even to him. "Duo," he said, his voice careful, "could it be that man Greaves?"
Okay, so I finished the Metallica Saga for you guys for Halloween, blatantly ignoring schoolwork for you (LOVE ME!), and Here I am doing it again. Well, anyway, I can definitely feel this series beginning to end, and thought the thought it depressing me a bit, the story's going strong, so I'm pleased about that.
To everyone who's been reading with me all this time, thank you so much! Your encouragement is the reason I've made it this far, and I'm going to endeavor to finish this up for all of you. Please stay with me until the end. :)
