She silently cried as she looked through the big photo album on her lap. Remembering every picture, every memory. He was gone, and it wasn't just bye-see-you-soon gone. He was gone forever. He wasn't coming back, as much as she wished he would.
Snow stopped falling outside as her tears continued to fall. He was her best friend. He was her hero, her lover, her rock. He was always strong for her. He helped her through everything. He was the only one who fully knew her. He who will never come back. Pictures were the greatest memories she had of him.
She stared at a certain picture of them as babies looking at each other. They were both one year old and it was her birthday, also the day they first met. The picture next to that was one of her with an open mouth near his head and his eyes were squeezed shut with his mouth grimaced. That was their way of remembering their first day. She bit his head and he somehow had a scar until years after.
Further down the page was a picture of them covered in brown stuff which appeared to be chocolate. That was one of their favorite things when they were little: chocolate baths. More tears fell as another picture caught her eye. She was holding handful or M&M's and feeding them to him. It was their favorite chocolate out of all. Whenever he used to go to his house, he would bring a pack of M&M's that they would share with each other.
As she turned the page, her eye was already on a picture of them on the swings at a park when they were about three or four. Her arms were crossed and she had a pout on her small face while he was standing beside her with a hand on her knee and a grin across his face. She was apparently mad at him for something he did that she thought was annoying. That same night, she remembered, she saw a shooting star and wished that she didn't have to see him anymore. Oh what a regret.
Another picture was of them in a car both sleeping with their arms around each other. Beside that was a picture of them sitting on the grass at a park during sunset when they were five. That was the day he made the promise.
"Someday I will fall in love with you, then we'll find out what love means, because it's really confusing. Someday you will be my girlfriend."
Tears poured more as she went through the whole album, with pictures of them hugging, smiling their huge smiles when they were together, dancing, and fooling around. Memories of their childhood. Memories she wished would have been longer.
He was gone.
The day before, she got a call from his aunt who told her that he was in a car accident with his parents and cousin. The other car, whose driver was drunk, hit his side of the car where glass shattered and left a large cut on his forehead which caused him to lose a lot of blood. For a whole day in the hospital he wasn't breathing properly on his own. He was in a lot of pain, the doctors said. They weren't sure he was going to be alright. She wanted him to hold on. She didn't want him to let go. She didn't want him to leave.
But he let go.
He was always strong for her. But he wasn't able to handle so much pain that he had to let go and leave everything and everyone else behind. Of course, he was too young to leave this world. Everyone thought so. He didn't deserve any of it. He didn't deserve a drunk driver's car hitting the car he was in at 6 in the morning. He didn't deserve that much pain. He deserved to be alive. He deserved life, all its goodness.
In a way, she was happy that he didn't have to handle pain anymore, and that he was in a better place. But she didn't know what to do without him. She didn't blame him for leaving. She just hoped things would've gone better and he didn't have to leave. He was the only person who understood each and every one of her ways. He knew everything about her. He was a part of her.
She went to her room to change out of her school uniform and to cry some more. As soon as she saw her bed, she started to cry uncontrollably, remembering when he used to lay there waiting for her to come home so they could hide under the sheets and cuddle and stay warm. Those were her good days with him. Those good days that will never come back. There will never be any more of those good days. She closed her eyes and hugged her pillow tightly imagining him right there beside her, telling her how messy her hair was, but it still looked good. How cold her cheeks were that he needed to warm them up. She missed him oh so much. Everything about him. She picked up his sweater, one that she kept, off of the floor and wrapped it around herself, as if he was hugging her himself. She laid the side of her head on her pillow, remembering his heartbeat that was able to lull her to sleep. His heartbeat that she loved so much. As tears fell down her face to her pillow, and his heartbeat she was listening to in her head after listening to it so many times, she fell asleep thinking about him.
She was being shaken violently as she opened her eyes. It was 6:02 in the morning. Damn, what the hell is this?!
"Wake up! We're gonna go out today, remember?" he grinned at her as he pulled her up and pushed her out of her room into the bathroom.
Two hours later, she was ready to go out, showered, dressed, hair dried, full from breakfast. He took her hand and they walked outside in silence. Snow gently fell as they kept on walking slowly for about 10 minutes, finally stopping at the yard of an elementary school near her house. They sat down on by the door and steps of a portable; she was sitting in between his legs as he wrapped both arms around her, kissing the top of her head.
"I want you to let go as soon as you can. I know it hurts, but we can't do anything. This is what God wanted to happen," he whispered as he looked down.
"I want you to stay. I don't know what to do without you, you're my strength, you're my rock. I can't see life without you," she replied with glossy eyes, tilting her head to look at him.
"I know, I hate leaving you, but I couldn't take the pain anymore. I'm so sorry."
"No, no! Don't apologize. Tell me how to live."
"Enjoy life. Don't hurt yourself. Let go as soon as you can, don't let this hold you back."
"Are you still gonna be here? Are you forever gonna leave me?" she asked with a pout as tears poured down her face.
"No. I'll be watching over you. Forever." He kissed her forehead and stood up taking her hand. He led her to the big space near them and put his hands on her waist as hers went around his neck. He pulled her as close as possible and started whispering the words to their favorite song, I Don't Want To Miss a Thing.
They started swaying as she whispered along with him. That was the song he used to sing whenever she was trying to sleep and he was beside him. God, she loved his voice oh so much. But wait, what's happening? He's fading away! No! Don't leave!
"No! Please don't leave me!" she screamed, begging, as she kept on trying to hold on to him.
"I'm so sorry, hun," she said with his cute puppy dog eyes, "remember everything I told you. I love you." He finished with a smile.
"I love you." She repeated as she finally, slowly, let go of his hand and watched him fade.
She woke up with a very light feeling. Was that really him? Of course it was! It couldn't have been just her dream, or her imagination! It was really him!
She closed her eyes once again as she thought about her dream, singing softly to herself.
If you were with me tonight, I'd sing to you just one more time, a song for a heart so big ... God couldnt let it live.
