I blame "Millie" for this. She planted this terrible train wreck of a thought of us "getting to know each other better" in to my father's head. I will not in good conscience support any plan that encourages my family to 'Get in touch with their feelings". Without a doubt, another sign of the coming apocalypse (besides reality TV) is the Eppes family digging for emotions past "hungry" and/or "tired".
It started with an uncomfortable, awkward, please-kill-me family dinner. Any mandatory family misery that revolves around your father introducing you to his new girlfriend, (who also happens to be your brother's boss) statistically speaking is going to end badly.
I know. I'm FBI. I've read the numbers. I've seen the kill sprees.
It is family dinners like this that reinforce 'I hate my parents' and the 'I'm never having children' you nurse in the back of your mind at two in the morning and only voice to a therapist after a round or two in rehab, numerous breakdowns, and maybe a session or two of high voltage shock therapy.
The evening was going to be bad from the moment I walked in to the warm family atmosphere the equivalent of Antarctica, my father exclaiming "Donnie, I'm so glad you're here" as soon as I arrived. My father and brother were facing off, glaring at each other like two Alpha wolves set to do battle.
I'm talking rubber-necking gawking at the mangled, dismembered bodies lying on the side of the road type of bad.
Before I even had the chance to sit down, Charlie declared, "Dad invited Mildred for dinner tonight."
Crap.
"Maybe I should have mentioned it sooner? That way youngest son would again conveniently find something else to do tonight?" my father shot back. Turning to me using a tone that was more a dare, "Besides you don't mind if I invited Millie for dinner right, Donnie? She wants to meet you."
So this is Hell. I always thought it would be warmer.
"Not exactly dressed for company, Dad."
In fact, I had seen celebrity mug shots better prepared to receive the public than I was at the moment. I smelled like something that had just spent three days lying in the gutter. Looked like the cover-boy for 'Crack Whore' magazine. I hadn't shaved in twenty-four hours. My deodorant had surrendered and died six hours ago. I didn't want to even think about the dark splotches covering my shoes. The shoes where getting burned as soon as I could get them off.
"Do I have time to grab a shower?"
The door bell rang and Charlie stated oh-so sweetly, "And that would Mildred. Punctual as usual."
Mom where ever you are looking down on us. Go ahead. Laugh it up.
My father went to answer the door. I turned to Charlie and hopefully asked, "Is Amita coming tonight?"
I think the temperature in the room dropped another couple of degrees with Charlie's chipped answer of, "No".
My father reappeared with a heavy set woman, and announced, "Millie, I'd like you to meet my oldest son, Donnie".
Plastering a phony smile on my face I replied "It's nice to meet you Millie. I've heard so much about you." Funny? Despite every thing Charlie and Larry had told me about her, I couldn't see the cloven feet and horns.
She smiled back at me and responded, "I've seen so much of your cases floating around my various departments, Agent Eppes. It is nice to finally meet you."
Charlie's right. The hair-style hides the horns.
"You must be very proud of what your people have accomplished then," I stated matter-of-fact. I knew her type. You could not work for the government and deal with bureaucrats for over ten years and not know her type. "The partnership between Cal Sci and FBI has proved to be very successful and saved numerous lives. The FBI is even considering using this model at smaller branch offices across the country." I smiled again, "Giving Cal Sci full credit for creating the pilot program and any interest it might generate in the corporate sector, of course."
The smile met her eyes this time, "Don, I think you and I am going to get along fabulously."
Ignoring the look Charlie shot me. A look that probably mirrored the one that Romulus shot Remus right before he brutally murdered his brother. I muttered "I'm going to grab a shower now," and bolted for the stairs.
Ever have one of those evening where you're completely surrounded by your loved ones but feel completely alone?
I missed Mom so much it hurt that night at the dinner table. By the time I came down stairs, Charlie was already in "Mathematician" mode. My Dad was speaking "Engineer", and Millie was speaking a strange hybrid of both. Charlie and Millie were disagreeing about something I didn't understand and had no hope of following. My Dad sitting between them playing peacekeeper.
I never realized until that moment exactly how it had been Mom who had pulled me in to the dinner conversations or how much I missed debating with her about things like search and seizure, police power, and the role of law enforcement. Charlie and Dad always had the math and science. Mom and I had the law.
My dad must have read something on my face and suddenly changed the topic and asked "So Donnie , how was your day?"
I watched a ten year-old convulse for 10 minutes when the balloon full of drugs her junkie mother made her swallow burst inside of her. While I waited for an ambulance to fight their way through LA traffic, I fought to keep her alive by giving her CPR. Oh and did I mention? Her brains leaked all over my shoes because the convulsions were so powerful they turned her brains to mush. You?
Suddenly I wasn't hungry any more. Not looking up from my plate or meeting my father's eyes I muttered, "Fine".
God, I miss you, mom.
No one even noticed when I got up and left the table ten minutes later.
