Broken chapter 1

Hello everyone!

This is my first fanfic so it might not be very good. I still hope you enjoy!

And English is not my first language so spelling mistakes might occur, but I'll try my best.

This will be a Modern AU Ereri fanfic. I might be adding some smut, but I'm terrible at writing it. And their will be lots of foul language, because what is Levi without bad language?

And Hanji is a female in this story. Just a heads up.

I might be adding OC, but it will only be like super minors. Like people working in stores, or bullies. I can't let Jean or Reiner be bullies, because I have a soft-spot for em'.

And Eren is going to be all depressed and suicidal (that poor thing), so that means Trigger Warnings! (Spoiler-ish): Contains rape, suicide, self-harm, minor smut, foul language, bullying and abuse. (I'm a horrible person)

I do not own AoT/SnK.

Anyway, enjoy!

Cut.

I deserve this.

Cut.

I'm a monster.

Cut.

That's what everyone tells me. That I'm a monster. That I'm gross. Then I'm a faggot.

"I guess it's true. I mean look at me. I'm letting them win. I'm breaking."

Cut.

I held up the knife I was using to my face so I could see my blood. It's so... Red. I need more.

More.

I'm hurting myself like some stupid kid, why not just end my misery right now? Or, not my misery... Everyone else's. I don't deserve to end my misery, but everyone else deserves to get rid of me.

I'm so gross to look at. I'm so gross to be around. Yes. I'm not doing this for me. I'm doing this for everyone else.

Cut.

There. I cut deep enough. Now Eren Jaeger will finally leave the rest of humanity alone. Finally I will leave you all al-

I sat up it my bed and groaned. Wait, this isn't my bed. I looked around the room. It was small, white and full of machines. A few chairs and small tables scattered around.

Oh, I'm in the hospital.

I rubbed my eyes, but I stopped when I heard footsteps. A nurse walked in.

"How are you feeling, sir?" a short, strawberry blonde lady said, with the sweetest voice. "U-umm... I'm fine. Thanks ma'am," I said. She made a nice and short giggling sound. "Aw, you're sweet. But you don't have to call me 'ma'am'. It makes me sound old," she said, followed by another short giggle. "O-okay." "Just relax, I'm just going to change your bandages," she quickly said, after she noticed how tense I was.

Yeah, like that's going to help.

Maybe I shouldn't be so mean. I know I'm just thinking it, but it's worse for her to actually have me as a patient.

I sighed, and lifted my arm a little so she could change my bandage.

"My name is Petra Ral, by the way!" she practically beamed. I looked down. "It's really, very nice too meet you, Eren!"

How does she know my name? Oh, right. I'm her patient.

"I hope it's okay if I call you Eren. I usually call everyone I meet by their first names," she rambled.

"You called me 'sir'," I said in a low voice. "Oh, right. Well, if you think I'm being annoying with all my talking then you should meet your doctor," she laughed shortly after, like it was the best joke in the world.

She was fixing my bandages around my wrists, so when she was starting to concentrate more, she frowned.

"I know it's not my place to ask, but why did you try to kill yourself?"

I stopped all my thinking. Shocked, I looked up at her. She can't ask me that! Can she? She's my nurse, but...

I heard footsteps again.

A quite tall women burst through the door, wearing the biggest grin. She had a white coat on, and she had put her hair up in a messy ponytail. She also had glasses on.

"Hello! My name is Hanji! I'm your doctor! What's your name? Oh wait! Haha, I already know that! See?" She waved around this piece of paper, which I presume has my name on it, and other medical shit. "Yeah, you saw, didn't you! Yes. Where was I? Oh, right. Yes, you tried to kill yourself, so you probably need therapy, and a roommate, because we can't trust you to be alone." She rambled on.

Wait, what?

"Umm... Isn't that a little inappropriate, Dr. Hanji?" Petra said I'm a very self-conscious tone of voice. Like she completely changed her personality when her superior walks in. Strange.

I listened to Hanji's words, playing her over and over again in my head. Therapy? No, I'm fine. Why would anyone want to help me?

"Hmm, maybe you're right. I could always count on you, Petra!" She said, and smacked Petra on the back, and Petra made a startled sound. "I deeply apologize for my words."

I looked up. "I don't need therapy."

"See this is why I said that in the first place. Eren," she grabbed my hand. I flinched, because it hurt. "You are denying the truth. You should get a therapist and move in with someone. I strongly recommend this."

"N-no! I swear this was a one time thing, and I completely regret it! Please! I'm fine to live on my own, and I don't need therapy!" I shouted, in attempt for her to believe me even if I'm lying.

Hanji gave me a creepy, scientist look. "Fine. I believe you. You will be discharged the afternoon of tomorrow."

She basically stormed out of the room, with Petra following in her footsteps, like a lost puppy.

I sighed. Thank god.

Around two hours later, Petra's head peeked through the door, and she knocked lightly. "Eren?" She called with a light voice.

My eyes were closed, but I wasn't asleep.

I couldn't sleep.

I heard her coming closer. She shook me lightly. "Eren, wake up. Someone is here to visit you."

My eyes shot up. "H-huh?" She smiled at me. "I'll bring them in." Wait, what? "No, wait!" I yelled and grabbed her arm.

"What's wrong?" She said in a comforting, but concerned voice.

"I-I can't let them see me like this."

She shook her head. "Eren, it's fine. I think it's good for you to see your friends."

I don't think it's a good idea. I've never showed any indication of me being depressed and I've done a pretty good job of hiding my PTSD, or panic attacks...

But I still reluctantly agreed by nodding and letting go of her arm. She gave me a smile and walked out of my room, to get my friends.

I wonder who it is. Probably Armin or Mikasa.

I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. That's when I was pulled into a warm embrace.

"Eren," a familiar voice said.

I opened my eyes so I could look at my sister. I wrapped my arms around her. I breathed in her scent.

"Mikasa," I said. She pulled out of our hug, and she wiped away her tears. I made her cry. Everything I do just... I just... I ruin everything. I didn't want to make her cry.

I looked to the side and there stood Armin. My best friend. He was also wiping away tears. He came close and pulled me into a hug shortly after Mikasa took a few steps back.

"Why would you do that to yourself?" he whispered, his voice hoarse, probably from crying. I hugged him back, without saying a word.

He pulled out of the hug. "Answer me, Eren." I looked down. "You have always been so happy! What would drive you to do something like that?! Am I really that bad of a friend?!" He was yelling.

I jolted my head up to look at his eyes. "O-of course not! I'm fine! It was a one time thing, and I regret it!" I yelled. It breaks my heart to lie to my friends.

Armin just stood there, saying nothing.

"Dr. Hanji suggested that you moved in with someone. So move in with me or Armin." Mikasa suddenly said after a long, awkward silence.

"Mikasa, be nice..." Armin said quietly.

"No," she walked closer. "How dare you scare us like that? You need help. You'll be getting therapy, and you'll move in with one of us."

I glared at her. It's starting to get hard to breath. But I tried to ignore that fact. "Mikasa. I don't need it. I-I was sad one night, and I'm fine now. I talked to Dr. Hanji, and she says that it's not needed so-" "But it was recommended," she interrupted.

"Leave me alone." I hissed.

I can't take it anymore. If she continues this, I'll get a panic attack. And I can't let them know that I have problems. They're already on too me, because I'm in the hospital for a failed suicide attempt.

"Fine." She picked up her purse, and stormed out. "M-Mikasa, wait!" Armin yelled, but shortly after he let out a large sigh.

"You sure you're okay?" Armin asked, clearly worried. I gave a fake, but reassuring smile. "Yes. It won't happen again. I'm not depressed or anything. I was just... Confused. Okay? I'm fine," I lied.

"I believe you. I'll see you at school next week?" He asked. "Yeah," I smiled. Armin gave me one last hug before he went after Mikasa.

I closed my eyes. I need rest. I need to get out of here. I can't have anyone suspecting me. I need to put on a mask. A happy one. A stronger one. Only at home may I hurt myself, nowhere else. Don't show any signs of sadness, or depression. Only at home may I break. Only at home. No. Only at my house. I don't have a home. I don't belong anywhere.

I fell asleep.

"Ready to go, Eren?" Petra asked. I was fully dressed, packed and ready to get out of that place as soon as possible. I gave a slight nod, and she gave me a smile in response.

Hanji stormed in the room, like usual.

"Eren, my boy! How are you feeling?" She practically yelled.

"I'm fine." I gave her a smile, to make sure she believed me.

"Alright!" She smiled back. She took a couple of steps closer, and now she was standing right by my ear. "You sure you don't want therapy, or a roommate? I don't think tha-" I grabbed her hand quickly so she would stop talking. "Dr. Hanji. Thank you for all your help. I'm fine now. I swear," I lied.

She gave me a disappointed look, but agreed nevertheless. I gave her another smile.

Armin's head peeked through the door, and he gave a little knock.

"You ready to go?" The blond said. I nodded.

"Sit here, Eren. Hospital policy." Hanji gestured her hand to a wheelchair. I gave a sigh, but I sat in the chair anyway. Petra was behind me, pushing the wheelchair.

The wheelchair stopped after some time, very close to the front door exit.

"Ah, we're here. Now Eren," I stood up from the chair, and I turned around to look at the crazy doctor while she talked. "Come back in a week, so we can take out the stitches, and see if your wounds have healed nicely, hm?" I nodded in response. I thanked Petra and Dr. Hanji, and then left for the door, with Armin right by my side.

Finally I'm gone from that horrible place. The people we're nice. But, the walls in there made me feel trapped. I'm glad I could escape.

"Thanks for driving me to my apartment." I said.

We we're standing at my doorstep. "Anytime." Armin said, and cracked a smile.

"But...is Mikasa still mad at me?" I asked.

I understand that she didn't visit me at the hospital after she left, because I was only there one more day, but she didn't even pick me up, or call. Which is very unusual behavior from her.

"Probably. Maybe. I don't know. She's very busy with school, ya know..." Armin said.

An excuse she always uses or tell other people to use when she's mad. I knew this, but I didn't have the energy to argue. So I instead just replied with a simple "oh."

We said our farewells and then he left. Leaving me all alone.

Finally.

I went inside my apartment.

I moved out because of my father. No one knows what he did to me. Not even Armin or Mikasa. They always wondered why I moved out. And it took a lot of effort before I was able to. But now I live alone.

I can break without anyone ever knowing. And after holding a mask for almost two days in front of doctors, which is even harder than normal, I couldn't take it anymore. It was exhausting. I needed to break. Right here and now.

"Eren."

I looked around my house. I'm all alone. I know I live alone. But I'm still alone.

"Eren, I'm only showing you how it feels."

I sat on the couch. But I quickly got up again. I'm restless.

"I'm only showing you how wrong it is."

I locked all my doors. I also made sure no windows were open, even if I was gone for two days. Just to make sure.

"You're a monster."

I'm not not going to kill myself. I can't right now. What if it fails? It's too soon.

"You're disgusting."

I went into the bathroom. I opened a drawer, revealing my knife. The knife I always use when I cut.

"No one likes you."

The voice. My father. I can hear him clearer now. I'm getting a flashback. A panic attack.

"You're a faggot, who deserves only unhappiness."

It's hard to breathe. I lifted the knife up to my wrist. My skin.

"You deserve only unhappiness." He said again, only with a colder voice.

"I deserve only unhappiness." I repeated.

My shirt had been pulled off, forcefully. He put his cold hands on my hips, right above my pants. He pushed the pants down. I flinched because of the bruises that we're there, given to me the day before. He pushed down my boxers too. I kept screaming "Stop! What are you doing?!" But it didn't help. He didn't stop. He never did. "I'm showing you that it's wrong being gay, Eren. You deserve it." He said. That's what he always said.

"I deserved it." I repeated. I sliced my skin open. I hissed at the stinging pain. Still, the pain given to me from the blade, wasn't nearly as bad as the pain given to me by my father. Blood was trickling down. I cut again. And again. I stopped once I started to feel dizzy. I can't die. It's too soon. They'll make me move in with someone. I washed the blade, and put it back where it always was. Ready, to be used by me again.

"You deserve it."

"I deserve it."

I fell asleep that night, only with more flashbacks of my father abusing me.

Breaking me.

And, that was the first chapter!

Sorry that my writing style sucks, I just don't know how to write...

But practice makes perfect, right?

So just put up with me for now, I'll try to get better.

I would love some tips. Just don't be to harsh. I get sad really easily.

I appreciate reviews very much!

(And Happy Halloween!)

Thanks for reading! Bye~