At home with Holmes and Watson (An advert)
Starring: The usual people (well I say people but obviously I use the term loosely)
Narrated by: Anne Robinson
One day Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson were playing cards at their house. Watson kept winning which was unusual because Watson wasn't generally very good at cards or anything that even remotely required brainwork. (Well let's face it- Holmes wasn't exactly the brightest crayon in the box but he won more times than Watson)
"I say what's wrong Holmes?! You've hardly made any pairs all game!"
Holmes stared down at the bunny surrounded by flowers and the overweight smiley whale that he had failed to match. "I can't say I know Watson. It must be this case I'm on."
"But I thought it was a simple case of a man committing suicide by jumping off a cliff?!"
"Ah- but did he jump or was he pushed? That is the question, Watson."
Watson looked slightly confused for a moment, which isn't a great event since that's nothing new.
"You're wrong. That's not the question. To be or not to be? That is the question. That guy said."
"What Shakespeare?"
"No Deep Thought."
"What?"
"Deep Thought said the ultimate question of life the universe and everything."
"No that was the ultimate question of life the universe and everything to which the answer was 42. To be or not to be was entirely different."
"Who said that then?"
"I don't know. Shakespeare?"
"I don't like him."
"Why?"
"He pushed in front of me in the queue in Tescos yesterday."
"Huh? Oh no that was Mr Shaftspear from down the road."
"Who's this Shakespeare chap then?"
"He was a…"
"Ooh I know he was singer wasn't he?"
"No he was a writer."
"Who am I thinking of then?"
Okay I think we will skip a couple of scenes because I think I can get legally sued for being the cause of millions of mass suicides if we stick with this one.
A couple of millions of hours later…
"Okay so are we clear that Shakespeare did NOT sing 'Dancing Queen', 'A little less conversation' OR 'I believe in a thing called love.' He did NOT invent light bulbs, Microsoft OR garden gnomes. He did NOT discover America, disco music OR the effects of plugging a hairdryer in backwards. He did NOT win an award for being the greatest lover of pie and he does NOT own Easyjet. He did NOT star in the Simpsons, I'm a celebrity get me out of here or in the annoying esure adverts and more importantly he is NOT the guy you lost your virginity to. Ok?"
"Ok."
"Um anyway what were we talking about?"
"We were playing pairs and you had failed to match the rabbit to its correct mating partner."
"Oh really. What did I match it to?"
"A whale."
"Hah!"
"Exactly. Everybody knows rabbits mate with penguins."
Watson looked at the face down cards on the table and picked one up. It was a frog.
"Anyway what about your suicide case?"
"Well," said Holmes. "I'm not too sure whether this man really did commit suicide. His brother says he found him washed up on a beach but there are a few holes in his story and he has no real alibi and he stood to gain everything when their ill father dies with the suicide man out of the way." (Did you keep up with that?)
"What kind of holes in his story?"
"Well for a start he claims he was walking his dog on the beach when he found his brother but he doesn't have a dog!" (And didn't people get a little suspicious?)
"That's very odd."
"I was thinking of visiting the family tomorrow and you are quite welcome to come along, Watson."
"Splendid! I'll make us a picnic."
He glanced down at the frog card and turned over the one above it. It was a gorilla.
"I WON!"
"Calm down. It's a commercial."
