The Doctor (10th) x Millions Knives

Doctor Who meets Trigun

I Just Wanted Some Tea


The Doctor was in trouble. Not that he usually didn't get into trouble, but usually it didn't involve him getting bound and gagged at the very end of an argument… mostly. Knives had just been pissed off enough to knock him unconscious just like that. And now the Doctor had woken up, his head hurting really badly, his healing process just vaguely starting to kick in but not enough for him to not to feel like a horde of Slitheen were dancing in his head.

This guy Knives was really rude. And not ginger. And for some strange reason Knives looked just like the Master (which was a disturbing thing in itself because the Doctor did not particularly enjoy visits from the Master as they usually ended up with the Doctor hurting in all various sorts of strange ways and places). But yes – Knives was a spitting image of the Master – and by the way that Knives had gone on with his rambling about that "the silly little humans needed to be destroyed" he more than resembled the Master's mental state (or rather lack of one).

"What is this, really? Psychos anonymous?" the Doctor muttered, though through the gag it came out more like "nnah mmmph mmmf mmmph."

The blonde Plant paused in his inane ranting and pacing to stop and smirk at the Time Lord.

"Oh? Speak up! I can't hear you properly." He paused for effect. "Oh, that's right. You're a bit tied up." He snickered at his own joke.

The Doctor just glared and waited patiently. Eventually Knives heaved a mighty sigh and untied the gag, amusedly watching how the Doctor tried to pop his jaw back into place.

"Well then. As entertaining as it is being tied to a chair by a maniac I really just wanted a nice cup of tea. Lots of tannins, y'know?"

Knives just stared at the Doctor, uncertain exactly of whether he should be insulted or not.

"Then again," the Doctor continued, unperturbed by the look of murder that slowly started to manifest itself on Knives' face, "as maniacs go you're kinda nice. You haven't actually threatened to murder me yet – or for that fact threaten me in any particular way. You've just threatened to destroy the planet, which by the way is kind of a really worn-out thing to do. Do you know how many people I've stopped from destroying various worlds?" The Doctor paused for a moment, as if to give Knives a chance to respond, but without actually allowing him to make a comment the Doctor continued his monologue. "I've lost count. And that says something because my memory is flawless. Or well, not really – I temporarily forget things sometimes… every now and then… maybe once a decade… Nevermind."

Knives was staring, a vein starting to pulse on his forehead. Was this how you treated insane masterminds hell-bent on destroying every human being on other worlds? That thought made him suddenly feel vaguely uncertain of himself.

Was he really a good villain? Did he deserve his place in the Hall of Fame of criminal masterminds?

Shaking his head to himself to clear that thought from his mind he glared at the bound and helpless Doctor who just seemed to be… wait. Was he smiling?

Knives was baffled. How dared he. How fucking dared he!

"HOW DARE YOU JUST SMILE AT ME YOU INCOMPETENT BUFFOON? I HAVE SUFFERED! I DESERVE EVERY PIECE OF MY VENGEANCE!" The irate Plant roared, mustering everything he could manage in that fit of rage.

The Doctor scoffed. "What am I supposed to do? Cower in fear? Sorry, not really my style. Also – it's kind of difficult to do that when you're, y'know… tied up." The Doctor tried to wiggle a little to get out of his bonds just to prove his point.

"OUT!" Knives tossed the Doctor out of the room, also (as if by magic) managing to have the chair break in such a way that the Doctor was untied in the process.

The Doctor stumbled as he rose, looking back at the door slammed in his face.

"But, but – my tea!"

The End


AN: This story was written during a one-hour deadline and the characters were randomly chosen. I decided to make this as crack-tastic as I could, though I feel that I might have short-circuited a bit.

However - I must have done a great job, because I won the competition. Go me!


Note added 2013/07/20.

Several people have complained to me about that I didn't specify which Master it is that Knives resembles; something which I thought obvious by several things.
One. It's the Tenth Doctor. By that alone the probability of that it being one of the Old-Who Masters is decidedly less since a lot of Whovians writing Ten are 2005-present time and aren't familiar with the previous Masters. This means that it's probably one of two Masters. Derek Jacobi or John Simm. (And yes I know, travel through time I know it's possible for him to meet a previous incarnation.)
Two. The Master is described as blonde. There is only one Master who has been blonde (no, I don't consider greying hair as blonde. Blonde indicates yellow tones).
Three. There is only one Master who has completely flipped his lid (well, generally speaking). That is the Simm-Master in "The End of Time."
Four. You're reading a crossover with Trigun. Both Vash and Knives are blonde (initially), and this is mentioned in the story. I assume that if you're reading a crossover with anything by Nightow-sensei you are familiar with the characters.

Furthermore. Where exactly does it say that the Doctor has ever lost to the Master? I've written that he's been hurt by him on several occasions. Hurting does not equal losing.

Sorry for the rant, but it irks me when people nitpick on something that I wrote under one hour by hand without any references other than what I had in my head and what I know from DW and Trigun. I typed this up and uploaded it because I thought it was a fun story and I was proud that I won something.