Perfection
Chapter 1: Scarred
Dan looked at his wrist, looked at the criss cross of scars, some more pink than others. They were the recent ones. They were the ones that had contained real release. He was nervous, his leg jiggling up and down. He heard Phil's voice through his bedroom door. "Dan, your family just called. There nearly at the station." Dan pulled his sleeve down quickly before exiting the bedroom.
He stood at the platform, waiting. He had invited his parents and brother to come down for a meal out in London, and he had to pick them up from the train station. He was getting a few funny looks, but he ignored them. He probably did look very weird, wearing a suit in a train station. He almost laughed, but he managed to contain himself. There was a reason he had invited them, and it was driving him into hysterics.
He remembered being the same when he had told Phil. He laughed a lot when he was nervous, and he was laughing at everything that day. Eventually he realised that Phil knew something was up, and he'd had to do it. They were both sat on the sofa and Dan had just said it all in a rush, desperate to get it over and done with "Philimgay" Phil looked at him an eyebrow rose "In English please?" Dan laughed hysterically, and Phil's eyebrow rose higher. Dan took and deep breathes and said it again. "Um, Phil. I'm gay." Phil shrugged his shoulders and replied with a simple "Ok" Dan had stared at him for a while in wonder, he couldn't believe it had been so simple. The only sign Phil had given that he even questioned it was about an hour later. "Dan. I was just wondering, how do you know? Did you realise because you liked someone or…." Dan nearly told him the truth, but he couldn't. He had just replied with "Erm… I guess, I dunno. I sort of liked… someone." He had seen Phil's look of interest and said quickly "That was a long time ago. I haven't spoken to him in ages. You don't know him." Phil smiled at him before turning back to the TV. The only other thing that was memorable about that night was when Phil took Dan's hand in his and squeezed it gently. He had almost told him, but he couldn't.
He was now facing up to doing the same thing with his family. The train pulled into the platform, and Dan took a deep breath before walking forward to greet his family.
The menu had gone quickly. Dan hadn't eaten much, just played with his food. He hadn't said much either, just listened to his dad brag about bets he'd one and how proud he was that Dan's brother was doing so well on the schools rugby team. This made him smile, remembering his dad trying to get him to try out. He'd lied, said his school didn't have one. His brother was definitely his dad's son through and through. He was the son his dad could be proud of, not Dan. He knew that for a fact, his dad had told him enough times. He shivered slightly, remembering hearing his dad tell a work friend over the phone that he only had one son. That had been the first time he… he cut. Now they were parked outside the train station. Dan had gotten them there early, making sure he had enough time to do it. They were sat in silence and Dan wondered why. He looked up from the steering wheel, and saw that everyone was staring at him. Someone had obviously asked him a question. "Oh, sorry" he murmured, and his dad laughed loudly, a deep, bellowing laugh. He smacked him hard on the shoulder before saying "Got a girl on your mind, eh son?" Dan smiled slightly before saying "No, actually. That's what I wanted to talk to you about. I like someone." His mother gushed "Really? Oh Dan, why didn't you invite her?" Dan smiled even wider, imaging their faces if he'd turned up hand in hand with Phil. That was never going to happen though. He found himself speaking without even really knowing what he was saying "That's the thing, it's not a girl" His mother leant back in her seat, and everyone was silent for a moment. "I'm gay" he said quietly. That was what set it off. His mother clambered out of the car without another word, and his father followed, but not before spitting out one word that felt like a punch to the gut.
"Faggot"
It took Dan a moment to realise his brother was still in the car. "You better catch up with mum and… and dad" he said quietly. His brother leant forward and whispered "Sorry", squeezing Dan's shoulder, before leaving and following their parents. Dan sat on his own for a while, unsure of what to do. He didn't want to go home and face Phil straight away. He found himself absentmindedly rubbing his arm, and he realised what he wanted to do. He didn't keep any razors in the car, he hadn't since he and Phil had started sharing it. He didn't want Phil to find out, and he was always extra careful. He felt into his pockets. He hadn't even paid attention to the cost of the dinner, but thankfully he had enough money to get what he needed. A cheap razor. He drove quickly to the nearest shop, and used a self service till so he wouldn't have to make awkward conversation while the cashier wondered why he was buying a razor. He found himself back in the car, ripping the razor out of the wrapper. He looked at his arm, and put it down again, raising the other one. The one free from scars. He had managed to convince himself that what he was doing wasn't that bad, it wasn't real self-harm as long as he kept it on one arm. He hunched over and set to work.
