I float against the tide.
Alone against this cold, cold feeling.


Face hadn't expected life on the run to be a breeze, nothing ever was. But he definitely hadn't been prepared for the miserable, sometimes thankless existence they'd lived for the last two years. There were a lot of things a career as a soldier of fortune didn't offer; a steady income, a stable place to live, hell, at times even warm food was short on demand.

There was no such thing as vacations anymore and he sorely missed having his own personal space. They still took breaks occasionally, like after the job in Georgia 8 months ago when they'd spent three days at the Russells' beach house. Though it was nice to rest, there had been no space and all four of them were on top of each other the entire time.

After their latest job had gone quicker and easier than expected, Face had thought it was the perfect opportunity to approach Hannibal with the possibility of downtime. Presenting it as a house finding mission, Face had casually tacked on 'callyouguysinfivedaystomeetup', as if the breezy attitude would convince the Colonel that it was a good idea.

Hannibal had looked from Face to Murdock, not saying anything as he chewed thoughtfully on his cigar.

Face was about launch into the defense he'd prepared for when Hannibal undoubtedly voiced his disapproval, but the older man had just sighed and waved them off.

At the dismissal, Face and Murdock were out the door and down the highway faster than 'I love it when a plan comes together' could even be uttered.

And with their teammates a state away, Face and Murdock were alone for the first time in a very long while. Once they'd arrived at the secluded lake house Face had scammed, they'd set out to spend every minute in naked bliss.

Midday swims, horseplay and racing against each other in the water until they'd tumble to the blanket on the shore, where their laughter soon turned to the gasps and moans of unhurried love making.

Evenings in the gigantic California King, the two of them lying close as they watched episodes of 'Monty Python' and laughing like they hadn't seen them a million times before.

And just last night, Murdock's harsh chant of 'harder, harder' echoing around the room while Face's hands braced his shoulders. Each solid thrust had pressed H.M. face down into the mattress. Rough and fast but afterwards there'd been soft, loving murmurs as they sleepily slotted their spent bodies beside each other.

Out of all of those things, Face believed that this could possibly be his favorite. Cradled against Murdock's body as they moved in the perfect rhythm they'd found in each other almost instantly, two years ago.

"Temp." The pilot panted, tugging Face down into a hard, sloppy kiss as he shuddered beneath the conman.

Face, still plunging deep into his lover's pliant body, had a second to marvel at how sharp and focused Murdock became immediately after orgasm. But then the pilot was grinning devilishly as he rolled his hips and Face was gone, charging blindly after his own release.

Unlike H.M., Face was practically incoherent after sex, mumbling wordlessly against Murdock's sweat slicked skin. As his breathing returned to normal, the conman contently drifted until the pilot started shifting with discomfort.

"Uhf, no more dessert for you. I swear you're heavier than when we got here." Murdock playfully chided as Face moved off him with a grumble and stretched himself out onto the rumpled sheets.

As he lazily rubbed a palm over the leg Murdock had flung over his, Face cracked his eyes open to see the pilot smiling widely at him.

"What?"

"Let's go into town." Murdock answered, skimming fingers through Face's damp hair.

"Mmm, nap." Face pouted, the power of speech still mostly eluding him.

Murdock watched him with calm, steady eyes before nudging his shoulder. "Come on. Lunch."

"We have food. Plus, town means clothes." Face patted the pilot's ass as Murdock laughed and nuzzled alongside him.

"Let's stay right here." Face murmured into the pilot's shaggy hair. 'I want this all the time.'

"You can sleep but I'm going." Murdock started to move and Face wrapped himself stubbornly around his slighter frame.

"Stay."

"I need to shower."

Face made a disgruntled noise as Murdock pried himself loose and padded off towards the bathroom.

"Wanna join me?" He questioned suggestively.

"Nope. Napping and not feeling guilty about it at all." Face stated; pulling the blanket over his head as Murdock made a flustered noise.

"I'll remember that refusal!"

Face didn't know how long he'd been asleep when his cell phone rang.

'I am so getting some of these sheets.' He thought absently as he answered the phone. "Hey buddy, I swear I'm up. I'll meet…"

"Mr. Lawrence?" The unfamiliar female voice asking for him by his current alias had the same effect as being doused with cold water. He bolted upright, gripping the phone tightly.

"Who is this?" He asked warily.

"My name's Sheila. I'm calling from the Columbus County Hospital for Mr. Lawrence. It's about Mr. Milton. There's been an accident."

The moment Face hung up the phone everything became a blur. He moved, but didn't fully take in his surroundings until he was standing at the nurses' station, shoving a fake ID at the woman behind the counter.

"I'm here about Kenneth Milton. Someone called. Is he alright? What the hell happened?" Face inundated the nurse with a barrage of questions as he tried to keep his panic in check.

She glanced at a chart on the desk then fixed him with a calm expression. "If you have a seat in the waiting room a doctor will be right out."

The moment she turned away, Face tried to get information from the other nurses, his frustration only ramping up further as each one smoothly rebuffed him.

When it was clear there'd be no answers, he grudgingly went to the waiting area where he paced like a tiger in a cage until a short, balding man came through the door.

"Mr. Lawrence?" The man asked, then outstretched a hand. "I'm Dr. Morgan."

"Jesus fuck, finally. What's going on?" Face demanded, not even minding the older couple that gasped at his blasphemy.

"Would you please come with me?"

He followed, though they didn't go very far, stopping just around the corner before the doctor turned and looked at him.

"There was an accident. Mr. Milton was hit by a truck while crossing the street here in town."

At the words Face felt the panic coil tight and dangerous in the pit of his stomach.

"Where is he?"

A look flickered over the doctor's features and Face's alarm turned to icy dread.

Dr. Morgan shook his head. "I'm sorry…"

'No, no, no.' Face's mind raced as he grabbed the doctor by the coat. "Sorry? What do you mean sorry?"

Practiced demeanor quickly became distress as the other man struggled to extract himself from Face's grasp. "Mr. Lawrence, we did everything we could."

"What? No… this…" Face's hands slipped from the doctor's lapels. This was wrong. The rushing in his ears was too loud, making him misunderstand what was said.

Once released, the man's sympathetic air quickly returned. "Is there someone you can call?"

"I want to see him. Let me see him." Face pleaded as he started to shake.

"Alright. We can do that." A reassuring hand was placed on his arm and it took everything in Face not to violently shrug it off.

Standing in the cold, sterile air of the morgue, Face tried not to gag as bile rose in his throat. Mouth sour and suddenly filling with drool, he took a shaky breath, willing himself not to vomit.

Hot slobbers. That's what Murdock was always calling it. Murdock. Murdock. His best friend. The one person he believed he'd never find, right there in front of him for so long before he'd even realized it.

Their first job had gone off relatively well and despite their injuries Face and Murdock had whooped and snickered in the van all the way back to the safe house. The excitement and elation that radiated from the pilot had Face feeling completely laid bare, so much so that he hadn't even hesitated before he'd leaned over and crushed their mouths together.

Murdock had frozen for the tiniest of seconds before clinging to him, responding with as much fervor in return. Gasping for air, they parted and the pilot had given Face a look like he'd finally gotten the punch line of a joke Murdock had told ages before. And when B.A.'s irritated huff of "'bout time" had come from the front seat, the pair just burst into more peals of laughter.

'That's Murdock.' As Face's eyes slid over the sheet covered body he jerked when someone patted his hand.

"Mr. Lawrence, the identification's already been made. If you don't think you can..." The brunette attendant looked up at him with kindness but he shook his head, stopping her before she could go any further.

"There are injuries that Mr. Milton sustained on the right side of the body that you should be aware of." She continued, but Face only vaguely listened.

He could do this. Had to. He didn't have a choice.

He nodded and she pulled back the sheet, effectively shattering the small sliver of disconnected calm he'd been tenuously holding onto.

"Oh, buddy." Face's lungs contracted and he wheezed as he reached out. "Baby."

Murdock. His crazy, amazing best friend. The love of his incredibly fucked up life, lying so still on the table. It shouldn't be like this. He shouldn't be like this.

Traces of blood still matted the hair Face's fingers had heatedly tangled in just that morning. He gently touched the left side of the pilot's face, carefully avoiding the right, marred by bloody road rash.

A hand was at his shoulder. "Mr. Lawrence…"

"Stay away from me." Face sobbed as he leaned over and burrowed against the lifeless pilot's neck.

Over ten years. Some part of him had been in love with Murdock from the moment the pilot had landed that piece of shit helicopter after the Tuco fiasco. It'd taken him so long to admit it and now, in an instant, it was gone.

No more trying to keep a serious expression while the pilot rambled on during the middle of a con. No horribly timed, yet amusing discussions of extragalatic blancmange puddings during sex. He would never again see that unadulterated look of amusement in green eyes even when Murdock knew his actions would make B.A. angry.

'Bosco. Hannibal.' Dark spots suddenly swam in Face's vision as the sheet was put back in place.

"I need… I gotta make a call." Face stammered as a male attendant that hadn't been there before, steered him towards the waiting area again.

Once alone tears obscured his vision, making the phone hard to see. Frantically wiping at his eyes he hit the button and waited, breath ragged as he listened to the ringing.

"Hannibal." He choked as soon as the line picked up.

"Face? What's going on?"

"Columbus County Hospital."

Hannibal's voice was clipped and brisk and no more questions were asked. "We'll be there."

At the dial tone Face slid the phone into his pocket and looked down at his hands. Hands that had run over Murdock's warm, breathing body only a few short hours ago. Fingers that had trailed over sides and danced over ribs, causing the pilot to laugh and squirm under him.

Should have gotten your lazy ass up. He tugged at his hair, the pain doing nothing to stop his mind's own accusations. This is your fault. You couldn't even be bothered to get out of bed.

"Face."

His head shot up in confusion at Hannibal's voice. There's no way they could already be there. He'd just called.

Face stared dumbfounded at the Colonel then at the clock over the older man's shoulder.

Three hours. How had three hours slipped by?

"What's going on, man? Where's Murdock?" B.A. asked; the mask of annoyance usually in place when speaking of the pilot replaced by genuine concern.

"My fault. Oh god, all my fault." Face groaned before he was being hauled up and slammed hard against the wall behind his chair.

B.A.'s fists were knotted in the front of his shirt and the big man was so close Face could feel his breath with each word.

"What the fuck did you do, Face? Where's Murdock?"

Face shook his head as unguarded tears streamed down his cheeks. "Gone. Bosco, he's gone. I wasn't there. I should have been there."

"B.A., let him go." Hannibal pulled at the mechanic's shoulder and B.A. seemed to fold in on himself as he let go, sagging into a chair, as hands came up to cover his face.

Hannibal stared at Face and the conman had never felt so terrified. Hannibal Smith, the strong, stoic Colonel now stood in front of him, eyes bright and confused. "What…?"

He didn't have a chance to get anything else out as Face shoved past him and bent over the trashcan in the corner where he began to violently vomit.