Mass Effect 2:

Title it Later

Shepard awoke in her cabin. Her space hamster was in hiding, and her dead fish floated gracefully at the top of the tank. She stared at them carefully, contemplating whether or not the Collectors would one day turn her fish into mindless, gilled Husks; blue zombies, hovering above water, maybe attacking or maybe just doing nothing.

She pulled herself from the sheets and walked sluggishly to her appearance terminal to get dressed. Today, she chose the dress. The dolled up dyke of a commander entered deck two.

Kelly greeted her with a loving smile that made Shepard want to punch her ginger, hippie face. She talked to Joker. He was intricately lubing up EDI, much to her synthetic pleasure. Jeff Moreau was pleased to find that faux sexual response was programmed into the Normandy's AI. He waved Shepard off, eager to resume artificial intelligence/human synthetic/organic cross genetic/not genetic fornication.

Upon checking up on Shepard's Turian, dismay overwhelmed the commander. Garrus had forwarded several coordinates to Joker, all of which consisted of peoples' organs he wanted to harvest out of revenge and deep, Turian spite.

Dr. Chakwas was drunk in the sick bay. This came as no surprise to Shepard.

She visited Miranda next. Upon entering the room, Ms. Lawson's camel toe protruded from her hips, jolting forth as if to scream, "Oh yes! I do fancy Cora's den," or, "Wow! I sure to love Cerberus's vast selection of onesies." Miranda of course, just grinned with those British teeth before jacking off to the Illusive Man's attention.

Shepard sought out Jacob. He informed the commander that pushing conversations tied his testicles in irremovable knots, and that he would be more comfortable being a black guy who loves weapons.

Almost resorting to Hallex because her crew sucked so bad, Shepard finally found an interesting person: Mordin. He quickly taught her quantum physics, speaking nonchalantly in between snorts of cocaine. Such a smart man taking drugs inspired Shepard to just use the Hallex anyway.

In an irrational mist of blurry, delusional drug induced actiony stuff, Shepard stormed down the stairs and entered Jack's quarters. "What lovely nipple straps!" exclaimed Shepard. This enticed Jack. Before anything disgusting and regrettable could happen between the common dykes, Stephen burst in with quad testicle Krogan super rage. "Urdnot Stephen angry!" he screamed. But Shepard sent him to Dr. Chakwas where he became very wasted and calmed down and went into a coma.

After Thane asphyxiated that night, the Illusive Man realized that he couldn't live forever and decided to come out to the crew. Not only was he Martin Sheen, Matriarch Dillinaga, Liara's father, and had the Krogan testicle transplant and had four balls, but he was also totally gay...and drank his own piss.

Miranda of course found this arousing, and her camel toe grew ten sizes that day. Samara explained that camel toes were against rule 37 code A blue 270 part B of the Justicar code, and that upon Shepard's release of her, she would have to snap Miranda's neck with her big ass Asari boot.

That night, the crew ate Drell sushi, except Jack, because Jack had a grudge against sushi, so she shot her food with a fucking gun.

When Shepard least expected it, Husk fish started flopping around the ship. Harbinger possessed many fish, and informed the crew that this hurts them. Shepard was very traumatized from the hoard of Husky zombie fish that so maliciously were resurrected by the collectors.