Chapter One
It's all so painful. The star speckled sky above me is a constant reminder of everything I've done; of everything I lost. Each shining star holds a memory and if I try to look at them, even for just a second, the memories resurface. I shut my eyes and take a deep breath. I need to calm myself down. I breathe again and sigh. I don't deserve it, I have to keep reminding myself. I will never know true calm because I don't deserve it.
I open my eyes and allow myself one second of taking in the stars, the mountains, and the city of velaris before turning away. I do my best to ignore the growing pain in my chest as I make my way to the library. Books have become my escape when nothing else has proved worthy. I walk to the shelf almost forgotten in the back of this now dimly lit room. This is where I keep my favorite book. One of the only books that can make me feel normal.
I like to imagine what life would have been like if my family was never rich but instead, we would have had enough money to live comfortable lives with just a little extra on the side for us all to grow into the people we have always wanted to be. Feyre would have never had to touch a bow. She would have grown to be a well known painter, she would've made her own name and maybe married a wealthy man. It wouldn't have been this but she would have been happy. She would have never have suffered through as much as she has now.
Elaine would've married a wealthy yet gentle man. He would have loved her not only for her beauty but for the beauty she always seems to find in the world. He would have let her garden until she was old and frail and taken her to see the beautiful gardens of the world when she could no longer create her her own. Now, because of me her thoughts are not her own. She has the mind of a seer and the future is her curse. Her suffering hurts me the most because it is her suffering I could have prevented.
When I picture my life it would have been as simple as the one's I find on the pages. I would have married a man with just enough money to keep us content and we would've created a small little family. Our life would have been simple but filled with passion. He would have seen all the things hiding underneath the surface of the unexplored lake that is me. He would have seen me drowning in the sorrows of daily life and been my anchor to land until we both breathed our very last breath. I might have been happy if my life wasn't always filled with extremes.
I walk to the the chair that faces away from all of the windows in the room and read until nothing the words of these pages fill my head. I'm utterly lost in my head when the now familiar, too heavy footsteps walk down the hallways stopping right at the open doors of the library. I brace myself as I stand and turn around. I wipe any friendliness as I take in the only man who has ever seen through me. The hole in my chest gets worse. I scowl at him. I want him to leave, I pray to cauldron that he will. He never does. He just answers my scowl with a grin.
"You look amazing today Nesta but we really must do something about that face", I just stare at the door as he walks up to me and runs his finger down my cheek. I want nothing but to melt into that touch but I know I don't deserve it so I stiffen as the gap in my chest fills itself with longing and pain. Summoning as much fire as I possibly can as I shift my gaze to the hazel eyes that always burn right through me.
"What do you want today? Doesn't my sisters mate have something for his lapdog to do? I'm sure as the glorified overgrown bat with shiny red red siphons and a title you must be busy. Has he finally realized that there is no worth in a lowborn bastard?", I smile as the words seem to hit home and hate myself for it. I would give anything to hold him as I did on that battlefield and tell him that this isn't the real me. I want so much that my chest begins to ache again and I'm reminded of all that has been lost because of me. I'm reminded of my fathers death and the ruins that have formed in both of my sister lives. I keep my face as amused as possible as I wait for his response. He steps forward until there is no space between our bodies. I flood with heat as he leans down until his mouth is brushing my ear.
"It's amazing you play the bitch Nesta but you see I can hear how fast your heart is beating in your chest", He places his hand above my racing heart. I don't pull away,"It must kill you, really kill you, to know your mate is the bastard you think so poorly of.", He chuckles,"Too bad that I can smell how you really feel from a mile away. When are you going to give up this act Nesta, It's getting quite tiring these days", I pull away and instantly miss the warmth of his hand on my chest. I frown.
"You're nothing but a worthless bastard. You're not my mate and even if you we're", I brace myself for the words I know I will regret saying,"Why would I stay when even your own father didn't want you. Do you even know his name? "
Nothing but hurt flashes in his eyes and I know I've succeeded. I smirk when I want to do nothing but cry and beg for his forgiveness. I move to step around him and he grabs my wrist. I'm pull it back and walk away. Right as I reach the door I hear him whisper.
"I know you felt it too Nesta. I felt the bond snap into place and then all I heard was you. I heard you screaming my name on that field and in my head."
You were in my head Nesta
I don't even flinch as he speaks in my mind. I only laugh and walk away.
