Author's Notes: Well, this is my first bit of Six Feet Under fanfiction. I was distressed at the small amount of SFU based fiction to be found out there and it spurred me to write something of my own. So here is my own contribution to the growth of the fandom. I fear this is probably trite and cliche, but maybe someone out there will become so disgusted that they will run off and write something better! Please, I beg you, I need more to read...

Disclaimer: I own nothing but an empty box of Count Chocula cereal.

Found and Lost

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There was a time in my life when I didn't cry. I was emotionally detached from almost everything around me, especially where our family was concerned. It was like I woke up one day and realized how disappointing my life really was. I was stuck here at home, with a job I didn't really want and a family I thought didn't really want me. Keith was the only thing that really brought joy into my life, but it was a joy I couldn't share with anyone else. There were times when I wanted more than anything else to gush to our family about something sweet Keith did or said, but then the old familiar panic would grip me again. My breath would become short and my mind would go over the ten million horrible scenarios that could play out if they ever knew. There was a time in my life when I didn't cry, but now is definitely not it. Right now it feels like I have cried more in the past few days than I ever have before. It's all I can do.

Do you know what it feels like to want something more than almost anything else in the world? Do you know what it feels like when you realize what you want is impossible to have? And then, out of nowhere you get this thing, this thing you have wanted so desperately and it seems like a dream. You have to keep reminding yourself it is real. And then, have you ever had that thing cruelly ripped away from you?

God knows I have. For years I have wanted nothing more than to reestablish some kind of relationship with you. I've always been jealous of you and I have always looked up to you. But I never thought you liked me very much. It hurt so much to see you push our family-push me-away. I just wanted you to be a friend, god knows I have so few. I wanted you to finally step up into the role of my big brother. You never seemed interested and I thought it impossible. But then something changed. I don't know if it was dad's death, or your relationship with Brenda, or the business, or all three. But whatever it was, it started to change you. And then, before I knew it, I could talk to you. I could say things to you and confide in you in a way I never thought possible. I was so thankful to finally have the brother I always wanted.

And now, by some cruel twist of fate, God wants to take you away from me.

In the past year and a half we have both grown and matured so much. You've become my best friend and the thought of losing you-after finally finding you-just kills me. Ridiculously inappropriate pun unintended. I've come to depend on you in so many ways. You're my business partner, my confidant, my brother, and my friend.

I can not lose you. Not now, not yet. You have to fight and you have to be strong, because I can't. All I can do lately is cry.