Mr. Fix-it
Rukia was out for a walk one day when she heard a familiar voice coming from the Squad 13 barracks. Kaien's voice. Could it be? She quickly found the room it had come from and pressed her ear to the door. Inside, her taichou was speaking.
"It's great to have you back, Shiba-san. We missed you and your…uh…unique skills."
"Great to be back…now…should we get down to business?"
"Oh, absolutely. It's right in here."
"Okay, so…what's the problem here? Is it broken, or…?"
"Goodness no!" Ukitake's voice filtered through the door. "Why would it be broken? I'm just…having a little trouble with…you know…the flow. Uh, lately." Rukia's eyebrows jumped. Surely, so much time watching human TV had made her more prone to…er…less-than-savory thoughts. That was all this was. Right? This was the real Kaien—his imposter was long dead—and her taichou, I mean come on…
"Okay, so let's try working on it from the other end…let's see…get me that stuff over there."
"It's slippery!"
"Yeah, it works really well. I use it all the time, just in case something won't go in. You know. Tricks of the trade." A picture was beginning to form in Rukia's mind. She shook her head, trying to roust it out. What was she thinking? After all, her captain was…well…she'd always thought he was…uh…
"Whoa, you must use that stuff a lot—that thing is huge!" There was a pause, some moving noises and a rustle of fabric. "Can you even get it in?"
"Sure. I just use a little of this…see? It's in."
"Aah…"
"Now to move it around a little, you know, get a good rhythm going."
"Mmm-hmm. Yes…ah…"
"And before long—see…there!"
"Oh! Wow."
"Your flow ought to be fine…" Kaien sounded pleased with himself. On the other side of the door, Rukia was trying to hold back her breakfast as the grunting and rustling continued.
"Now, I need to get it out…hmm…it's stuck. Hand me some more of that stuff, and we'll see if we can't…" there was a loud, wet "pop". "There, it's out."
"Whew. I thought it might be stuck for good…being so big…"
"It's happened before. You'd be surprised. Once I was over at eleventh and…"
Running outside for some air, Rukia returned just in time to see Renji poking his head out the door.
"Nope, nobody out here. It must have been your imagination, sir." His deep voice carried easily through the walls. Rukia gasped, her face flushing. Renji? But…if he was…then…then they were all, uh…oh…
"Now, you got a good view, right Abarai? You know what to do now?" Kaien's voice was a bit more serious.
"Yeah, thanks. Now I can do this for my taichou…I'm sure he'll appreciate it; he's been having problems too."
"It seems to be pandemic since I've been gone; oh well, I guess I'll be visiting more people than ever."
"Hey, if it's good money…"
"Yes, sir. You have a good day now."
"I will. Thank you Kaien."
The door opened and when Kaien stepped outside, he nearly dropped his box of tools, including the extra-large pipe snake he'd been using to clear the clogs from Captain Ukitake's hot-water pipes. Glancing back to see what he'd tripped over, Kaien saw that his friend Rukia Kuchiki had fainted dead away.
"Huh," he mumbled, "I guess some girls just don't like plumbing…"
