Never Again

I read the scene where Steph gets her period while staying at Ranger's and since I love my Merry Men, this popped into my mind. Hope you like it. Let me know.

Rated: T for language and content.

Steph and Ranger were eating a pizza and watching TV in his apartment, when Steph felt that sudden cramping in her stomach and , "Uh.oh." Ranger looked up at her quizzically. " What's wrong?" Geez. could this get any more mortifying, having to admit you unexpectedly got your period when curled up with the hot guy who was about to bang you? "Um, nothing, " Steph said, hoping Ranger would drop the subject. She got up, worried about sitting on his leather couch. This could be messy. Ranger wasn't about to let her off that easily. "Its something. Now what is it?", he persisted. "Its nothing," she said. "Just some cramps." Ranger got sort of a pained expression on his face.

Amazing how the toughest men get squeamish when it comes to something as natural as a woman's period. They think its manly when they are bleeding from a gunshot, but when it's a woman's period, they act like she has the plague. He could see me squirming and guessed the problem. "Well, don't you have, um, something for it." He looked at me expectantly. " No, Ranger, I don't." He looked surprised. "Well, don't you know when its coming? "Yes, and I always carry , um, something, but I changed purses and so I don't have anything. Ella is off tonight so I am stuck." She sat and tried not to squirm. "Can I use your keys and run to the store?

"Well, I could send one of my men out to get something for you" he suggested. Steph was incredulous. Sending a Merry Man to buy tampons? Was that in their contract? The Rangemen were really hot, big, masculine guys with tons of testosterone. They wouldn't go near a tampon if their lives depended on it. I wasn't even sure they could say the word. "Sure, they'll do it, " Ranger said confidently. They'll do anything I tell them to. But I'll have to give them a bonus."

Lester, Ram, Hal and Bobby were in the control room when the call came in from the 7th floor. Ram answered , "Yeah. Boss." His face paled. "Um, you want us to get what? Oh. Ok. I'll tell them." Ram set down the phone carefully, as if it were a bomb. 'What did he want?' Hal asked. Ram looked pained. "He wants one of us to go and buy , uh, you know, t- tampons for Steph." The others looked at him incredulously. "He said he would give whoever did it a bonus." Lester asked, "How big of a bonus?" " He didn't say. But it had better be a lot. "

So, who is going to get them, they all wondered. Suddenly they all seemed very interested in watching the boring garage security feed on the monitors. Ram spoke, "Bobby, you are the doc. You know all about blood and stuff. You should get them." Bobby's face contorted into a look of disgust. " Yuck. Not THAT kind of blood. I only deal with the kind of bleeding you can stop. Gunshots and knife wounds. I don't know anything about that woman stuff." They all looked as if the topic was making them sick. "Ok, Hal, how about you? You are the new guy. You should have to do the dirty work- the disgusting stuff." The other guys nodded sagely. That seemed right to them. Hal blushed furiously and his face turned beet red. "Um, you want me to get, um," he whispered, "tampons?" Bobby intervened, "Hal already has to live down being stun gunned by Steph. He shouldn't be humiliated by buying tampons for her, too." That left Lester and Ram.

Lester and Ram looked at each other. Ram said, "I can't go. I , uh, I'm allergic.". Lester looked at him incredulously, "Allergic? How the fuck can you be allergic to tampons? Not like you ever use one. You are making that shit up." Lester was furious now. Ram, with a perfectly straight face, said, "I am not allergic to tampons. I'm allergic to cardboard boxes." This claim let off a firestorm of protests from the guys.

Tank came by when he heard the commotion from the control room. " Why the hell aren't you men working ? Why the arguing?" They sobered when they heard Tank's deep, booming voice. Maybe we could get him to do it, they all thought. Bobby explained, " Well, uh, Ranger called about ten minutes ago and he needs one of us to go and get some, er, tampons, for Steph. He is giving a bonus to whoever does it." Tank looked unfazed although he did cringe a bit at the word "tampons." "Well, why are you still arguing? You were given an order, " Tank said. Bobby looked sheepish. "We are trying decide who should, um, who has to buy them. No one wants to go."

Tank was Ranger's second in command. He was used to making decisions. He made a quick decision. "Ram, you had Stephanie duty today, right?" He looked at the watch on his massive wrist. "Well, its still today. You need to go. And go now. Steph is probably , er, uncomfortable." As soon as Tank left, Bobby, Hal, and Lester all pointed at Ram and laughed their asses off. Bobby made him a shopping list. It said, "BUY TAMPONS", in huge letters. Ram looked like he'd been punched in the gut. " Fuck you guys," he said as he grabbed the keys to the Explorer and left. Bobby, Hal, and Lester laughed hysterically.

That had better be a huge fucking bonus, Ram thought angrily. He wasn't even sure where the hell to buy tampons It was eleven PM, and so he went to the all night grocery. He parked the Explorer close to the door so he wouldn't have to walk very far carrying the box.

He felt weird in a grocery store. He never shopped- Ella usually did that for the guys at Rangeman. Somehow, being a badass guy with huge muscles and numerous weapons all dressed in black didn't fit inside the Safeway. Ram was surprised at the amount of people in the store at eleven PM. Several customers looked at him, especially his weapons and got out their cellphones. Great. That means security or the cops will show up becasue of the "armed man at Safeway." Ram got a cart, because he didn't want to actually have to hold the box of tampons.

Ram looked around carefully before he turned the cart down the aisle labeled "Feminine Hygiene/Family Planning." Ok, all clear, no one was around. He saw the security camera. Shit. Now the footage would show a huge man in black looking at tampons. He hoped Rangeman didn't do the security for this store or he'd never live it down. "Better be a huge fucking bonus," Ram muttered again to himself.

He turned down the aisle filled with feminine hygiene on one side. Directly across the aisle were the condoms. Ram's eye was caught by bags of maxi pads with "wings." Wings? What the hell? Why would a feminine hygiene product need wings? He shuddered. Never mind, some things he was better off not knowing.

Ram looked down the aisle. He'd expected a cardboard box that said "tampons." Instead, there were about twenty different kinds of boxes of all different kinds of tampons, pink boxes and blue boxes. Ram had no fucking idea which ones Steph wanted. He looked closely at a box that said "regular." Ok, regular was , well, regular. That should do. But wait. Next to it is one that says "Super." Super is way better than regular, he thought. After all, isn't "Super"man better than a regular man?

Ram heard clicking of shoes on the polished tile floor. Someone was coming towards this aisle. Shit, he didn't want anyone to ever see him buying tampons. He turned quickly and grabbed a box of Magnum "extra large." condoms from the shelf opposite the tampons, and pretended to examine it closely. The pretty girl came down the aisle toward the tampons. She raised her eyes, curious about the large man in black. He held up the box of Extra Large Magnums . " I need these," he said. He held up the condom box so she could see he was definitely buying condoms, not tampons." I am definitely here for condoms, not tampons, " he reiterated, nodding. The girl gave him an odd look, grabbed a box of tampons off the shelf and left the aisle.

Ram whipped around and looked at the kind of tampons the woman took. She had looked a little bit like Steph, so maybe they would use the same kind of tampon. The box was blue and was called "Pearl." What the hell did pearls have to do with tampons? Except that they were both things he would never buy again in his life.

Ram looked more closely at the box, which said, "Leak Guard Braid." Leak? Leak ? He made an unmanly, disgusted face. Gross. Women weren't supposed to leak. Tires leaked, not women. But NOT leaking was a good thing, wasn't it? He was sure Stephanie wouldn't want to leak. The box had a plastic window where he could see the tampons, wrapped in plastic, stacked in the box like fat cigarettes. Hey, these smelled pretty good, too. The box next to it claimed to be good for "heavy flow days." Ram shook his head to clear the image of THAT out of his head. He definitely did not want to think of anything flowing heavily out of Steph. Yuck! That better be a huge fucking bonus. He was going to need a LOT of beer after this.

Ram wasn't sure what kind to buy and he thought of calling Steph, but the only thing more unmanly and gross than buying tampons was talking about tampons on the phone to the girl you are buying them for. Ram gulped and decided to get the Pearl ones with Leak Guard that smelled good. Pearls, not leaking, and smelling good were all good things. Plus, they were SUPER! He was relieved he had finally decided. He picked up the box with two fingers , as if it was a bag of shit, and flung it into the cart. He sighed. Thank God THAT was done.

He pushed the cart and was horrified to realize that anyone passing him could clearly see the box in the cart. Everyone would know he was buying tampons! Ram quickly went to the beverage aisle and grabbed two six packs of beer. He put one on each side of the tampons so no one could see the sides of the box. Now, only the top showed. He decided to get the Magnum Extra Large condoms to cover the tampons. Besides, his masculinity needed condoms to recover from having to buy tampons. He'd use the condoms anyway. Or Ranger might want some, since he and Steph were obviously an item.

Ram completely covered the box of tampons and then headed for the checkout. Shit. Both the open lines had cute young girls for cashiers. Ram unloaded his few item on the conveyor belt, the tampons still completely covered by the other items. He waited sheepishly for the old woman in front of him to finish picking nickels out of her change purse.

The cute cashier looked at him and then, at his stuff. She scanned the beer. When she saw the tampons, she gave him a shy glance before scanning it. " Um, those aren't for me," Ram blushed in embarrassment and stupidly stated the obvious. The girl scanned the condoms, noticing the words "extra large." She looked up at him again. Ram puffed himself up to his whole six foot four , extra large, muscular height. "Those ARE for me." The girl giggled, he paid and got the hell out of there.

Ram drove back to the Rangeman building and walked gingerly into the contol room. Bobby teased, "Well, you are finally back. Its been an over an hour. Ranger has called twice about the tam-about "them." He's pissed. Steph needs those."

Ram took the bag with the tampons upstairs and knocked on the door of Ranger's apartment. Steph opened it, looking a bit uncomfortable. She realized what Ram had in the bag and squealed "Oh, THANK-YOU!" with a look of relief, and hugged him. She took the bag and ran into the bathroom to put one on. God, he didn't even want to think about a woman actually putting one in. Ram was afraid she'd come out yelling that it was the wrong kind- she'd wanted the "heavy flow" ones- and then he'd have to go back and get them. He really liked Steph, but he was never buying tampons again- even for her. But there were no angry yells so she must have been satisfied with the Pearl SUPER! with Leak Guard. Ram entered the apartment and gave Ranger the other box he had bought. Ranger raised his eyebrow and smiled.

The next evening, Ram came in at 6:00 to see Lester, Bobby, and Hal sitting in front of a monitor, holding their sides and laughing so hard they were falling out of their chairs. When he entered the room , they pointed at him and laughed even harder. He had a bad feeling about this. He walked to the monitor and "FUCK!" Bobby and Lester had obtained the security video from the Safeway from last night that had filmed the entire ordeal. They had frozen the video where Ram had a box of Pearl SUPER with Leak Guard in his hand. The picture was accompanied by the guys uproarious laughter. Shit. He would never live this down.

Ram started in on that six pack of beer. He'd need all six. He smiled smugly. They'd be sad when HE got the bonus.